The Intrepid Misadventures of Supreme Overlord the very Irreverent Captain Quirk and the Brat Trekkers #15: Shut your Tourist Trap. The decision to rush to Margaret’s rescue was made on the spur of the moment and, though we knew the dangers, we went unarmed and in disguise. Lenzi went as a fishmonger, Ronald as one of the three wise men, Spock as himself, Lutch as Ali Baba and I as Aladdin. Esther could not decide what to wear. ‘Whatever shall I wear?’ she asked as he ran her hand over the multitude of costumes in the wardrobe department, ‘maybe I’ll go as an angel in disguise...no perhaps as Jasmine...or as Queen Sheba...hmmmmm’. ‘Just take that belly dancers costume...hic’ Lutch insisted and Lenzi nodded his head in approval. ‘Now remember!’ I reminded them, ‘We cannot interfere in the historical unfolding of events no matter how hysterical they may be...oh! and no fornicating with the locals as well...especially you Lenzi...fishmongers are popular with the local women...especially the barren ones’. ‘Barren ones?’ Lenzi asked ‘Yes’, I answered, ‘seems like there were a lot of barren women then...’ ‘You are lying!’ Lenzi retorted, ‘name one!’ ‘I can name many...but Sarah and Rebecca come to mind!’ ‘Gee, I thought that Adam and Eve were the first two humans on earth!’ Esther pointed out as she tried on the costume, ‘from where did all these other people come?’ ‘Guys...we must hurry if we are to save Margaret!’ I chastised them with my proverbial belt, ‘and what is that awful smell?’ ‘It’s Lenzi’s fishmonger’s costume!’ said Ronald holding his nose. We transported ourselves to the place where we last saw Margaret but she was not there. Lenzi looked in awe at the abundance of fruit of all shapes and sizes, ‘I could make a great fruit salad out of these!’ he mumbled. ‘No time for that!’ I insisted, ‘we need to find Margaret!’ Spock looked at me with a disapproving smirk, ‘and remember to use the code names...Margaret is the “lost sheep” and we are the “sheep herders”!’ ‘I thought that Margaret was the lost lamb!’ Lenzi tried to correct Spock. ‘Lost sheep, lost lamb, mutton dressed as lamb...who cares...let’s just find Margaret!’ Esther insisted and with each word the bells on her ankles and wrists jingled jollily. ‘I hate this outfit! It leaves nothing to the imagination!’ she complained. I gestured to Lenzi, Ronald and Lutch not to say a word lest we irritate her any more. Spock was the first to see Adam sitting under a cherry tree. Spock approached him and asked whether he had seen Margaret and after the obvious deviation involving Margaret Thatcher, Adam agreed to help us find Margaret. ‘I’ll help you find Margaret if you will help we find my ass!’ Adam said. ‘But you are sitting on it!’ Spock said. Adam stood up and turned around in all his glorious nakedness and pointed to the rock on which he had been seated, ‘I was sitting on a rock and not on my ass...if I was sitting on my ass I would have been moving down along the road as I speak!’ ‘Oh!’ Spock said as it dawned on him, ‘you are referring to your donkey!’ ‘No I mean my ass...why would I be sitting on a donkey when I have a perfectly good ass to sit on!’ Adam said and it sounded like he was losing his patience so Spock agreed to help him search for his ass. ‘Does your ass have a name?’ asked Spock. ‘Yes, I call it Bottom!’ ‘Really?’ Lutch interjected, ‘hic...like in Midsummer’s Night Dream?’ ‘No!’ Adam insisted, ‘Like in Timothy Bottom...the ass’s name is Timothy and that’s why I call him Bottom!’ Lenzi and Ronald decided to make themselves useful and call out to the ass, ‘Here Bottom...good boy Bottom..e here Bottom!’ Adam looked at them in amazement, ‘I just told you the ass’s name is Timothy...’ ‘Here Timothy...good boy Timothy..e here Timothy!’ Lenz and Ronald chimed. Again, Adam looked at them in amazement and he shook his head in disapproval, ‘Is that how you call your ass where you come from...you people are insensitive...I love my ass and I treat her with the greatest respect and love...I wash my ass everyday...’ Spock was also starting to get impatient because it was getting dark and we needed to find Margaret as quickly as we could. ‘So how do you call your ass?’ he asked. ‘I sing to it!’ ‘What song?’ ‘I love you Timothy...I love Timothy...you are just the ass for me!’ he sang, ‘do you know the song?’ So there we were singing ‘I love you Timothy’ and walking down the Garden Route in Edenvale while Spock tried in vain to contact Margaret. All he got was static and a strange hissing sound. ‘Hark!’ Adam stopped us in our tracks, ‘can you hear the soft bleating of my ass?’ We stopped and strained to hear the sound that Adam had asked us to listen to but we could not hear anything but the rustling of the leaves on a nearby tree. ‘Bottom’s up...hic!’ Lutch slurred. ‘This is no time for drinking!’ Spock chastised him with the proverbial belt. ‘No...I mean that Bottom is up...up that tree...hic!’ Adam rushed to the tree and tried to console Timothy who was obviously in some kind of distress, ‘Be still...oh be still...calm down...everything is going to be okay..I’ll get you down in a minute...oh be still my bleating ass!’ Tune in for the next episode of The Intrepid Misadventures of Supreme Overlord the very Irreverent Captain Quirk and the Brat Trekkers #16: A Midsummer’s Silent Night Scheme
Posted on: Tue, 17 Sep 2013 10:13:40 +0000
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