The Man Who Shot and Killed My Husband.....Called to Forgive. A Christmas Story As a Christian, forgiving the man who killed my husband was the most difficult journey in my life, other than surviving the devastation that came with, and followed my husbands death. I became a widow and a single mom in one instant in time, raising a 4 month old and two year old alone. Suddenly thrown from being an at home mom to figuring out how to provide for my family, while at the same time trying to navigate through the debilitating pain of losing John, hardly able to breath through all the sorrow and pain. There are no words that can truly express the pain. I am writing about my journey at this time because of the brokenness, and true torment in my heart over what God has brought to light for me to pray and grieve over concerning His church. Un-forgiveness within the walls of churches and the devastation, pain and division that has been born from it. I have witnessed families divided and long time friendships destroyed over a lack of mercy and forgiveness. It is heartbreaking and should never be. The Lord showed me it was time to pour out what He had poured into me because of this deep grief of sack clothe and ashes He has given me over the church family. Our churches are to be sanctuaries for the broken hearted, encouragement for the downtrodden , safe for the people within, and desirable for unbelievers to flock to. The church is to be a place where we leave being more like Christ every time we exit. Full of love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.... Galations 5: 22-23. We are supposed to be set apart from this world, a beacon of hope. Sadly, in too many instances we have become just like the world instead of transformed by the renewing of our minds. (Romans 12:2) Love, true love, should be what exudes from within our walls and spills into the community. In many instances, sadly, it is being broken from within, the family of God torn apart. This should not be. Jesus says: John 13:34 A new command I give you: Love one another as I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know you are my disciples, IF you love one another. This is Jesus instruction to the disciples, and to us now, before He was crucified, on how they were, and we are to live, on what our lives are to look like as believers in the Jesus Christ. He gave us the perfect examples to follow: John 15:12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends, Do we understand the seriousness of the fact that the world is watching us? That people really do watch to see if we practice what we preach? That our lives are a demonstration of whether we really believe and practice what we say we believe? That if we are not careful we will stumble our children and the young in faith? There is nothing hidden from God. In the book of Revelations He speaks very clearly to the things that are right and the things that are wrong in churches and clearly warns of what will take place if the wrongs are not corrected. He loves us! James 1:22 Do not merely listen to the Word, and so deceive yourselves. DO what it says. Just to be clear, the broken-heartedness started with me, my actions, my faults. God was first faithful to reveal to me the things I had to make right. To take the log out of my own eye first. I am a work in progress and always will be but through all this He has given me an incredibly deep love for the body of Christ, a life changing direction for prayer over HIS church. Here comes the brutal honesty and ugly truth in me. As a Christian I HATED the man who killed my husband. John was a wonderful man, a loving husband and father, working hard to provide for his family. I was consumed with anger, it had taken a deep hold on me. I wanted my husbands killer to feel the same pain he caused, whatever that looked like and I had a right to feel that way! Look what he had done. It ate away at my heart and spirit. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, afraid of the future. This was not the way it was supposed to be. I was also dealing with and suffering from horrible PTSD and graphic flashbacks having been present at the time this all took place. I was living a nightmare, but it was real. Two years into this life of justifiable anger that was killing me inside the Lord reminded me of the forgiveness that I had been granted, freely, because of what He, Jesus, had done for me on that cross. Let us not forget, Jesus went to the cross voluntarily for the forgiveness of sins, our sins, your sins, my sins. The foundation of our Christian faith is forgiveness, without it we were doomed. He took my sins upon Himself because of His love for me. He had the right not to, He was sinless, but He chose to, for me!. Shouldnt then I forgive? I received grace and forgiveness for the things I had done. But surely what I have experienced, this horror, does not fall into that category!!!!! Yes, it does!!! I was called to forgive as I had been forgiven. There were no exceptions listed. Honestly, it was hard forgive my husbands killer at first, but I knew I was called to do so by Jesus. So, I chose to face this difficult battle and it was something I could only do with Gods help. Little did I know at the time but forgiving him was more for me than for him. Matthew 6:14 Jesus says, For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. I was grateful for my forgiveness, but this, forgiving my husbands killer, this was a struggle, and it was ugly, at first. As I began to work out this forgiveness I literally clenched my jaw so tight my teeth hurt and angrily, out loud, to the Lord I said, OK, I am going to say it but I am not going to mean it, but I want to, so YOU are going to have to change my heart!!! Jesus is so faithful to a heart that desperately wants to be obedient, to do what is right. It took some time of saying it, and I always said it out loud, but it was as if every time I said that I forgave him my heart began to change, to soften. Then, one night in particular in this process I was having a very difficult time, grieving deeply, really struggling and crying so hard I began to literally wail at the top of my lungs, falling to the ground, sobbing as deeply as I had the night John was killed. My only way of explaining it was it was like my soul was vomiting out all the anger and hatred that had consumed me for two years . After it was over. I WAS FREE!!!!! Free from hatred, free from bitterness and free from the anger. God had healed my heart and removed that which had had a horrible hold on me. Oh how He is faithful to a heart that truly wants to do right. Fast forward to now. The burden of grief that God has laid on my heart over the church, the body of Christ, Gods precious family. But first, the Lord reminded me to work out my own salvation with fear and trembling. (Phil. 2:12) The Lord again faithfully showed me that their was more work to do on me. I had to truly understand in me the severity of this problem, un-forgiveness, to correct my wrongs I had done and ask forgiveness from those I had hurt, or held a grudge. I had to clean my own house. Through the power of His love and Holy Spirit I had done this huge thing, I had forgiven the man who killed my husband, BUT, had I forgiven the smaller offences that I held in my heart? Mat 5:21 You have heard that it was said to those of old, You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment. Mat 5:22 But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, You fool! will be liable to the hell of fire. Mat 5:23 So, THEREFORE if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, Mat 5:24 leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. What???????? This is a whole different side to forgiveness......If you remember your brother has something against YOU....I had some situations to make right I had to do the hard thing, swallow my pride and do what was right in the eyes of my Heavenly Father who made all things right for me!!! To forgive and ask for forgiveness from whom ever I may have offended. I prayed that God would bring to my memory those that I needed to ask forgiveness from. Again, He was faithful. I knew who I needed to call. We are called to forgive no matter what the circumstance, AND we are called to ask for forgiveness even if we feel we may have been the wronged one but the other person thinks they are the wronged... It does not matter!!! Forgiveness was for, all over all, deserved or undeserved. Thanksgiving is next week and Christmas is right around the corner. Christmas, a time when we celebrate the gift God sent to earth for the forgiveness of our sins, to bring us eternal life. Let us honor our Lord and Savior by living out His call to all of us. Let us rejoice in the gift of forgiveness in our families and our friendships. Let us truly share the gift of true love that we are to represent as followers of Jesus Christ. WE ARE CALLED TO FORGIVE, PERIOD, NO EXCEPTIONS! WHEN WE DO: Our churches will be whole and not divided! Reconciled instead of ripped apart! Families will be made whole again! The body of Christ will not be crippled! People will be healed instead of hurt! Embraced instead of ostracized! The body of Christ will be strong and not weak! We will be known by our good fruit, not the rotten. The love of Christ will be unmistakable instead of unseen! Humility will drown out pride! The world will want to come in instead of run away! We will be called great examples of Christ instead of hypocrites! Our joy will be full instead of being full of anger! People will want in instead of out! GODLY LOVE WOULD PREVAIL!!!!! FOR UNTO WHOM EVER MUCH IS GIVEN, OF HIM MUCH SHALL BE REQUIRED. (LUKE 12:48) CHURCH DO WHAT WE ARE CALLED TO DO. IN IT THERE IS FREEDOM, GREAT BLESSINGS, AND THE PEACE THAT SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING!!! DO WHAT IS RIGHT . HUMBLE THYSELVES IN THE SIGHT OF THE LORD. NO ONE SAID IT WOULD BE EASY BUT IT IS WHAT BEING CHRISTLIKE IS!!!!! OUR TREASURES ARE IN HEAVEN!! It will forever be a process while here on this earth BUT I know God is faithful to continue to do a good work in us all (Phil. 1:6) .... to mold us and change us continually into His image. Is that not the desire of all our hearts? It is supposed to be. I challenge you to pray, seek Gods help and ask Him to reveal to you the people you need to get right with. HE IS FAITHFUL!!!! Get ready for a beautiful heart change and for the building up and healing of HIS church!!!! HE IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON...HONOR HIM. Php 3:12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Php 3:13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, Php 3:14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Oh God heal us individually, destroy our selfish pride and in so doing our families, our friendships and our churches will start to mend and be the places that they were called to be, sanctuaries of love, grace and forgiveness. In Jesus name, Amen and Amen!!!!!
Posted on: Fri, 21 Nov 2014 17:51:48 +0000
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