The Poor Old Inter-Dimensional Traveling Satan Returning To Earth It had been a long, grueling trip for poor Satan. Let’s be honest, traveling the inter-dimensions and the galaxies, facilitating the latest advancements in technology workshops for all the beings in the universe was a young man’s job. Satan was getting old. In his heart of his hearts all he really wanted to do was kick back and watch his favorite sport. football. Or soccer for you satanic Americans. Satan parked his space ship in the garage and opened the door to the kitchen. He was glad to be home to say the least. He entered his home and was lovingly greeted by Jimmy, his eternal pet snake. “Jimmy, great to see you old buddy. I can’t believe it has been five thousand years. You still look as beautiful the day I met you. Wish I could say the same for myself.” Jimmy felt the warmth of Satan’s words and coiled around his right leg as Satan took out his I-Phone and laid down on the couch. He checked some stocks and some football scores and with that an ad for Chick-Fila popped up. “You know what Jimmy? I think I am going to go grab me a Chick Fila sandwich. I heard a lot of great things about that sandwich while traveling all the different realms.” Jimmy uncoiled himself from Satan’s leg. “How about I bring you back a sandwich and some fries?” Jimmy hissed in pure delight as Satan walked to the garage to transform his spaceship into a Chrysler Lebaron. Satan pulled out his I-Phone, typed Chick Fila into Google Maps, and headed out to get a Chick Fila sandwich. “Hello and welcome to Chick-Fila, how may I help you today?” Uttered the sweet female voice from the drive thru speaker. “Hi, how are you today?” Satan always did his best to be polite. According to Satan, you might not be able to be smart or talented or good looking but you can always be polite. “Let me get two chick fila sandwiches, two small orders of fries, and two waters please.” “Alright, your total is eleven thirty one. Please drive around.” Satan waited for drive thru line to move forward and began looking around the Earth he hadn’t seen in 5, 000 years. Yeah, it had completely changed, yeah, the human wit had flooded the land, and yeah his tears seemed to fit so well with the smooth, parallel alien mother brushstrokes, but there was no time to cry or reminisce on the past, for Satan knew if he was going to enjoy life on this New Earth, he was going to have adapt to the busy big chaotic city smog fast food life. Sure he missed the sound of crickets and bull frogs, but the sparks in the purple blaze of the summer sky were still flying above the city and that felt great for Satan and all he needed. For Satan, at his heart, would always be Mother Nature’s boy no matter the concrete. “That’ll be eleven thirty… aaaaaarrraaaggghhh….. noooooooooo……. it’s Satan.” The young chick fila girl at the drive thru window screamed bloody murder and took off running through the store. Satan noticed the employees coming to the window, glimpsing at him, throwing their hands into the hair, and mad dashing around the store. “Hmm, this is odd.” Satan said as a little bit of panic began to rise through his nervous system. “Just calm down Satan, just let it go, just move on. You heard a lot of good stuff about Whole Foods, just go there. Probably a lot healthier to get a kale salad than a chicken sandwich anyway.” Satan rationalized to himself while pulling out of the drive thru and the Chick Fila parking lot while the workers and the customers in the business flailed and flung themselves around in complete and utter shock and horror. Satan typed Whole Foods into his GPS and began the journey trying to keep his mind right. Yeah, he noticed the people on the road seeing him, opening their mouths wide, and turning the car around in fear. And yeah he noticed the wrecks caused but he was doing his best to keep his calm. He had gone through extensive therapy and made a vow to himself to refuse to pay attention to those negative thoughts anymore. Focusing on the positive that was all Satan was about now. He turned the radio around. Honestly, the only music from Earth he really enjoyed was classical or Motown soul music which was why he began to ease up as Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrel’s I’m Your Puppet blared through the speakers. “It’s going to be a good Satan, a good day. Of course being gone for five thousand years, things are going to be a little strange but you can handle, you are man, you are the man, you got this Satan.” He said to himself after finding a good spot at Whole Foods. He walked out of his car and before he could take two steps this woman screamed “Holy God, Satan, nooo!!!!!!” then dropped her baby on the ground and began running in idiot circles which caused all the other people in the Whole Foods parking lot to begin acting absolutely insane just running around and screaming like they were all on fire. Now I would be lying if I told you Satan did not want to yell back at these people and scream at them for being so overdramatic but like I said Satan had gone through extensive therapy and had become quite amazing at not allowing others to effect him negatively. “I am just going to go ignore this, get some McDonald’s, go home, and get some sleep.” Satan said to himself then got back in his car and drove to the golden arches that were very popular throughout many of the galaxies and different dimensions. The drive thru line at Mcdonald’s was way too long so Satan took a deep belly breath and took a moment to focus on just going in there, getting some Big Mac’s and getting out. He opened the Mcdonald’s door, instantly everyone in the store, customers and workers alike, got on their knees and began chanting his name and bowing down to him. Satan pulled out his I phone. “Hello.” “Hey God, how are you?” “Pretty good Satan, how’s everything going your way?” “Umm, I’ve been better. Umm, I just got back on Earth and went to Chick Fila and when anyone saw me they began screaming bloody murder and running around in complete terror. Same thing happened at the Whole Foods. Now at the Mcdonald’s I’ve got a whole room full of people bowing down and chanting my name. Do you happen to know anything about this?” “Oh yeah, damn, I am sorry, Satan, this is all my bad. Ugh, Jesus, do I feel like a big goober right now. Basically people were getting pretty pissed at me for shit they were doing to themselves and I was tired of catching shit for it so, you know you were gone and you know had that big job and you were supposed to come back for what like five thousand years and at the time, it seemed like such a long time but now I guess it’s up and you are here, basically I am blamed you for everything bad in the world. I am sorry man.” “Are you serious, God? What the heck, man?” “Yeah, I am sorry. It’s all my bad. I can send Death to come pick you up and you can hang out with us in heaven until this whole shit storm blows over.” Satan looked down at all the people chanting his name. “I don’t know. I like heaven but I don’t know if I really want to live there for an extended period of time.” “Are you sure? It’s pretty um, ugh, heavenly, I feel like even more heavenly since your last visit.” “Let me get some food and I’ll call you back.” “Once again Satan, I am really sorry. Completely all my fault.” “It’s all good God, I forgive you.” Justin Blackburn
Posted on: Sat, 28 Jun 2014 04:18:17 +0000
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