The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon Officials in Finland say the Russian army is now conducting drills on its border. Or as Vladimir Putin calls that, “window shopping.” The White House says it’s surpassed its goal for people enrolled in Obamacare. It’s amazing what you can achieve when you make something mandatory and fine people if they dont do it, and keep extending the deadline for months. If you still haven’t enrolled, you might have to pay a penalty called the “individual shared responsibility payment,” which is 1 percent of your salary. Then Americans said, “Good thing I don’t have a job.” U.N. experts are saying that climate change could start threatening the worlds supply of fruits and vegetables. Then Americans said, “OK, let us know when it starts affecting Twinkies and Hot Pockets.” Conan Hello, Dallas! This is our second night here. Dallas is known for its strip clubs so last night I visited one. It was great. I got to meet all the Dallas Cowboys in person. Southwest Airlines is headquartered in Dallas. In honor of this being their headquarters, the show will be delayed for two hours. Dallas is the largest city in America that is not near a large body of water. That explains the citys original motto: Whose bright idea was this? The Dallas Public Library displays one of the original copies of the Declaration of Independence — also the only copy stained with barbecue sauce. Late Show with David Letterman The Yankees open up tonight. They have a lot of lineup changes. Alex Rodriguez is gone, and Robinson Cano too. And the great Mariano Rivera is gone. Hes now the closer at Westchester Volvo. The Mets lost yesterday. They had a tough season last year and the year before that. Theyve had a tough century, come to think of it. The population in New York City has grown by a quarter of a million people in the last 10 years. And you know what else? Most of those people are talk-show hosts. Heres how crowded it is in New York City. Today a guy gave me $200 in cash to take a later elevator. Late Night With Seth Meyers The official presidential candidate for the Ukrainian Internet Party is a man in a Darth Vader costume. Not to be confused with the president of Russia, who is Darth Vader in a man costume. The Department of Agriculture is encouraging grandparents to read their grandchildren bedtime stories about nutrition. Stories like “Goodnight Kale,” “James and the Giant Organic Peach,” and “The Little Engine That Could, Thanks to His High-Fiber Diet.” Tiger Woods announced that he won’t play in the Masters because he’s recovering from back surgery. His doctors have told him to avoid swinging — and also golfing. During a show put on for China’s Fashion Week, three different models fell on the runway — proving it’s really hard to walk and make clothes at the same time.
Posted on: Wed, 02 Apr 2014 19:18:11 +0000
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