The copy machine at my job croaked today. I could not help, but to write this heartfelt eulogy. RIP. Biz Hub Pro 920 entered not so gently into that dark night of obsolescence on December 3rd, 2014 with his friends the stapler, the three-hole puncher, and empty boxes from the W.B. Mason paper company, by his side. Biz Hub Pro 920 was born in China in the early 2000’s before moving to America to pursue the American dream. Biz, or as his friends called him, ‘Hubster,’ was eventually hired by the Branchburg School District in the mid 2000’s. Biz worked for the Branchburg board office where colleagues fondly appreciated his professionalism and discretion. “You could always count on Hubster to keep a secret” recalled one coworker. Biz so impressed his employers, he was awarded the honor of serving as the main copier in the Branchburg middle school. For the past three to four years, Biz delivered nonstop cheer and laughter to thousands of children in the form of worksheets, quizzes, tests, all printed in a variety of differentiated colors and sizes. “I really liked his double-sided worksheets. They came out so neat and crisp. I will miss him,” commented one distraught student. In addition to enriching the lives of young people, Biz was a constant joy for teachers to work with. One teacher remembered a signature prank Biz was known for. “Hubster would always play tricks on us, especially in the morning. One time, I was already late to class, and Hubster had me turning the M6, the M8, and the M13 knobs all at once only to spray ink all over my sweater in the end. I never did get those copies but I still have the sweater which I proudly wear during our annual ugly sweater contest,” she said. “Nobody, but nobody, could jam a paper like Hubster could. He would always get that characteristic gleam in his display screen that told you things were about to get interesting. He was one of a kind,” reminisced another teacher as a tear rolled down her cheek. Biz once explained his philosophy in life in the following words: “Life, is a like a box of toner cartridge. Sometimes, you have to give it a good shake, to make it work.” Biz is survived by his son, Fax, and a sibling printer, ironically named ‘Brother.’ Biz was preceded in uselessness by his wife Xerox. Deconstruction services will be held at the technology office in the Branchburg board office later in December.
Posted on: Fri, 05 Dec 2014 02:34:28 +0000
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