The heaviness that Rodney Dangerfield talks about is a real thing that all comics go through. The peaks and valleys of this business are drastic and it affects us all. No matter how successful or not, novice or professional, the jester entertains the court and walks home alone. The fear and anxiety of making a crowd of strangers like you is intense and crippling. The euphoria of killing a room is immediately leveled out in the solace of a hotel room. Walking the airport or bus station of a random city by yourself after a night of free drinks and a line of people wanting to take their picture with you does something to a human psyche. I know many people are posting memories of #RobinWilliams. I also know that there are many taking the alternate route many people take at a time like this. Sure we didnt know him personally. Sure, he was a drug addict with millions of dollars. Sure we can mourn the people that die in our own neighborhoods daily. But any comedian, actor, or entertainer that says they are not affected by this in some way, in my opinion, is a liar. He was where we want to be. How many comedians can start in the club scene, land a successful sitcom, become an Oscar winning dramatic actor, be able to do childrens movies, Disney voices, improv comedy, Comic Relief, dark films (One Hour Photo, Father of the Year, Insomnia) and still be able to do an hour of standup on Broadway? He was what we aspire to be, what I want to be, and it still wasnt enough. We chase this dragon of fame and never seem to catch it. There is a point where you become a product. No longer a person, but an act for profit. And to be told that your time is over, or you dont have it anymore, why continue? Richard Jeni, Robin Williams, Christopher Rocket, Chris Farley, John Belushi, Mitch Hedberg, Lenny Bruce, who else? Not too many people understand how sad and depressed comedians are. Ive been lucky enough to work with some of my idols and spend time with them. Its hard to understand the contradiction of wanting everyones attention and also to be left alone. Its very odd to make a living making people happy, but not yourself. The fear to be alone has crippled me for years. My Comedia A Go-Go brothers were my safety net, Regan my partner to elevate the loneliness, even my Uncle Jesus, is a way to cover up my fear of being me in front of you. Now after a night full of love and support from family and friends and even strangers, the reality is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I will not let you all down. I will try my best to be strong enough to lift the heaviness off my chest to breath and see the forest for the trees. Vegas will be the first step to many on this very lonely road. Im scared and excited. Im very sad about todays news. Sorry for my rant. But it did hurt.
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 06:26:18 +0000
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