There are so many nights where, between the hours of 8 and 12, I crave. I watch movies or drink ice tea. I try to study or write. I may have a smoke or eat a bowl of cereal. I hop on the computer and edit my plans for a dream house or design a performance engine in simulation software. I go through my hiking gear or make a loaf of bread. I will go out just to hear noise and the movements of a crowd. I will work on the house or assemble my bow just to see if I can still draw it fully. But the craving remains. While watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button tonight, I realized that the things I do to occupy time or keep my hands and mind busy wont satisfy my hunger. You see, for a specific reason, on certain nights, Benjamin couldnt stay in his room. He would wheel around in his chair and listen to the sounds of the old house and the elderly residents. He felt safe during this time. I once knew this sensation. So many years ago, I would listen to the sounds in the house. I could hear the wood popping as it cooled. I could hear the cricket that had found its way into the basement. Most of all I could hear my children breathing or a toilet flush and the footsteps coming and going. I could hear a bed squeak as one of them would roll over. A board would creak under foot as I snuck upstairs to assure they were covered. I watched them sleep as I leaned against the bannister where I could see into both rooms. I stood proudly watching; at the ready in case a bad dream woke one of them. Even in slumber the house was alive. My craving cant be filled; for it is my need to be a father and the pride the responsibility brings that is missing. I love and miss Jerrica and Hollie so much. I am not whole.
Posted on: Thu, 07 Aug 2014 06:45:44 +0000
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