This is another one of “those” days. I could tell it was coming and I can feel it now. All the stars are aligned, rather more unaligned. What lies within me isn’t matching the day before me. This is going to be one of those “one foot in front of the other” kind of days. This isn’t my first of one of “those” days and it won’t be my last. I try not to swim up stream on even my best days, but on days like this I know it’s simply best to ride the current where it takes me. So much of my Afterloss is navigated by being the observer observing the observed. I watch and wait. I watch and walk. I watch life. I watch me watching me. Today I feel raw. Life is sensitive to the touch. Sorrow magnifies the smallest task and deep wounds surface to remind me healing is not an event; healing is a process, a perpetual unfolding of what is balancing between what was, what won’t be and what might be. Healing is aligning the unaligned in me. Just as there is no end to loss there is no end to healing. I heard once, “the problem with life is it’s just so daily.” I laughed. Then, I thought about the statement for a while and realized that the daily task of living is not the problem, but the solution. In fact, it’s not even a daily task. It’s a moment by moment task. This being one of “those” days reminds me that this moment is all I have. The moment does not ignore the past nor does it neglect the future. But the epicenter of my loss is found here, right now, right this moment. Loss is an integral part of my life just as life is an integral part of my loss. Nothing lives in separation. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t chop this moment of my life into pieces and extract the landscape of loss that permeates who I am. I have to deal with loss on a moment-by-moment basis. Just as the wind shapes the rocks loss shapes me…moment-by-moment within every moment. So, in this moment I know it is simply one of “those” days. I will be gentle today. I will not judge what I can do and what I cannot do by another day. I choose to open to this moment and feel today whatever the day brings. When I am this raw, I am keenly aware of my limitations. Being with people is a challenge. I feel like I’m wearing every nerve in my body on the outside of my skin. Thoughts circle the silence that I yearn to sink into and pull me out of my internal solitude. I wish I could be numb, but instead I feel the magnification of everything I feel. My natural tendency is to run, but I found out a long time ago there is nowhere to run. I want to be alone, but the world won’t leave me alone, my thoughts won’t leave me alone, my unsettledness won’t leave me alone. I am not haunted by the past. I am haunted by the present that the past has made. Ancient ships used to navigate by the stars. I navigate my seas by light transposed on dark skies, too. I look up into the night sky of my Afterloss to find my way on days like today. I use the constellation “This is not That” quite often to navigate on days like today. This is not the day I spread the ashes. This is not the day the funeral. This is not that day. These are not those feelings. This day, being one of “those” days, is today and what I felt yesterday is not back. This day is not that day. I do not have a lot of reserves. I run close to empty and shorten the distance from the head to the heart as much as possible. My mind tends to wander in its wondering. My heart stays close to the skin while it cascades from feeling to feeling. Small things become big things. Soft things become hard. Hard things become soft. I find when I can barely hold together I have difficulty holding on. It’s just one of “those” days. Oddly enough, I also find the most precarious moments are also some of my most precious moments. It is when I am most raw, most tender, that I am able to lean into the tenderness of timelessness. Loss left me timeless and I have made peace with the transcendence of love’s time being beyond this time. I no longer fight to reconcile the ticking of the clock and the beating of my heart. And on days like today I know the senselessness of watching the clock. Today, I watch the heart beat both in its hurt and its healing. Yes, it is one of “those” days, but fortunately I have no idea if it’s going to be one of “those” days all day. This moment does not mean the next moment is set in stone. In fact, as I stay fluid and open to this moment there is no way of knowing how the unfolding of the next moment will be. I am open to being here, which opens me to going whatever there becomes. I accept this unsettled sorrow for I now know even now I am being led into the expanse. I do not hurt for hurt’s sake. I hurt for healing’s sake. I am grateful that this is one of “those” days because I have come to see this as being infinitely better than just another day. Loss has shown me the tragedy and agony of living a repetitious day that has no depth, no dimension and no meaning. I do not want to wake up to the same day over and over. I do not want to live a life where this day looks just like the day before. This is not that. This is not just another day and I am not who I was. I am who I am. And the “I am” is in perpetual motion in the endless unfolding of both my loss and my life. I’ll take one of “those” days any day over just another day. No matter how much it hurts, or unsettled I am, I’ll take this day over that day any day.
Posted on: Thu, 30 Oct 2014 07:31:36 +0000
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