(This is long, but I dont know how to write a note from my phone. I posted it and took it down, but Im posting it again, in hopes it reaches each of you in that place I hoped to reach her.) The afternoon before Halloween, I popped my head into her cubicle to ask if she had finished her costume. She was going to be a Victoria’s Secret angel and I think she particularly liked discussing the irony of it with me- the “blonde toothpick,” as she’d say. She told me she was missing our (her) office party, because she had to fly up to New York for her brother’s funeral. I told her how sorry I was to hear that and she popped back, “Why? You didn’t know him.” I quickly replied, “Well I know you and I’m sorry for your loss; I’m sorry you are going through this.” She looked down for a second then looked me square in the eye, laughed and said, “It’s okay. I have more brothers.” This was her typical diversion, and normally I’d laugh with her, but that day I didn’t. In a way, I scolded her. “You know, Joanne; it is okay to feel human emotions. It’s okay to express them.” I had a lot more to say, but I didn’t. I told her I hoped she had a good trip and I went back to work. She got sick in New York and had to cut her trip short. She went to the doctor’s upon returning home and we found out the following week that she had cancer. Within days, she was hospitalized and by Thanksgiving, she was at Moffitt. Last week, the doctor’s said it was just a matter of time, and on Thursday, they brought her to hospice. I walked in today and was told we had lost her. It all happened so fast. Joanne was the first person to greet me when I joined our Eckerd family. She took the picture for my ID badge and scoffed when I said it was terrible. I’d ask her where the envelopes were or how to get more post-it notes, and each time she’d say, “I’m not your mother” and then get them for me anyway. She liked to poke at us, and so I’d poke back. I started calling her “Mom.” “Mommmm, the soda machine ate my dollar!” Mommmm, I need card stock. “I’m not your mother, Jenny.” “Yes, you are. You’re my office mom. And you love me. Say it. Say you love me.” I would barrel her and force a hug, her arms squished at her sides. She’d grunt and roll her eyes, and then I’d giggle and walk away. You see, I knew something she didn’t know. Something I think we all knew. That she loved helping us. She loved being needed. Her way of showing affection was to begrudgingly fix the fax machine or tell me what an idiot I was for leaving my purse in my car. She loved taking care of us. And she got so excited planning things for us all. When I think of her, I think of her Yankee twang. Her motioning me over to her desk, with wide eyes and a mischievous snarl. “Come here! Come look!” And each time, it’d be a flyer she had made for our next office party or a picture of her puppy, Piglet. And she’d ask me which clip art I thought she should use or about her latest couponing deals. And I always was sure to give her my undivided attention and match her excitement. Because it just seemed that was the best way I could love her back. I remember when she got her surgery last year, how she’d say she was going to marry rich and leave this place. I remember her comically unparalleled frugality. And the Flowbee. I will always remember the Flowbee. I remember these things and I laugh. “Oh, Joanne….” But when I walk by her desk, or look at Kennedy, or call to check on my father, who also is battling cancer…, all I can remember is one thing: We are all very breakable. The beauty of life is its fragility. And if I learned anything from Joanne, it was the very thing I was trying to tell her during our last conversation. I wish I could go back in time and shake her by the shoulders, but I can’t. So instead, I’ll pen it… and urge you to live. Live your happiness and your heartaches. Live your emotions. Live and love – freely, unconditionally and without fear. Learn the people in your life and love them whatever way they need. Say what you need to say, because you may not get a second chance. Recognize that you are worthy of great things. Recognize the beautiful person you are and all the wonderful gifts you have to share with the world. And always know how very much you are loved. I cherish each and every one of you.
Posted on: Mon, 08 Dec 2014 16:42:36 +0000
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