Today, let’s talk about the laws of war. OK, that may sound like an oxymoron, but there actually are laws of war—traditional practices (like you don’t shoot a messenger carrying a white flag of truce), and actual treaties signed by states, such as the Geneva Convention which stipulates how you treat prisoners. One of the most enduring laws of warfare is that “lawful combatants” must wear uniforms. If you’re in uniform, so goes the principle, you’re protected by the laws of war. If not, an adversary is not bound by those laws. In such cases you can be captured and immediately shot as a spy, for example. With me so far? OK, against this background is the problem of modern day terrorists. Not only do they not wear uniforms, they aren’t even fighting on behalf of a state. However it gets complicated when terrorists join together and begin seizing territory and declaring they are a state. That brings us to Islamic State, the country formerly known as ISIS, which was formerly known as ISIL, which was formerly known as parts of Iraq and Syria, which was formerly known as a province of the Ottoman Empire, which—if we go back far enough—was part of (at least that area) the Babylonian Empire, which emerged out of the land known as Mesopotamia, which—if we go back even further—was populated by the neolithic Sumerian culture, named after the city-state of “Sumer,” which historians consider the birthplace of civilization. So the birthplace of civilization, after seven thousand years, is now ruled by thugs in ski masks who cut off people’s heads for the purpose of making YouTube videos. Most would agree this is not progress. Meanwhile, back to the laws of war. The problem of terrorists not wearing uniforms presents a legal quandary. Are they lawful combatants, illegal combatants, or merely criminals? “Criminals!” says Attorney General Eric Holder, who has launched an investigation into the murder of James Foley. “Illegal combatants!” say most legal scholars. “Lawful combatants!” presumably say the ISIS folk, who claim they are a state and this is their army. “Terrorists!” say the rest of us, who recognize terrorism when we see it, even if the politically-correct phrases are “Freedom Fighters” or “Perpetrators of Man-Caused Disasters”. It’s a shame, really, because if they’d just be nice enough to wear uniforms representing a state that had actually declared war, like civilized soldiers do, there’d be no problem. We would know that this is a war. We’d know what uniforms the enemy was wearing. We’d thus know whom to shoot. And if we captured any of them, we’d know how to deal with ‘em: put them in POW camps until the war ended. And we wouldn’t have to waste Eric Holder’s DOJ resources sending CSI teams all over the Middle East seeking forensic evidence that would be admissible in a New York courtroom. Can you imagine Eric Holder after Pearl Harbor? “OK, I want to know which Japanese planes bombed which ships, and we need to find out the name and address of each person flying one of those planes, and I’ll be seeking an indictment against those suspects, from a grand jury composed of the right mix of ethnic minorities, and the perpetrators will be held accountable!” (Not so crazy, because at the time of Pearl Harbor, there was no state of war between Japan and the United States. The Japanese pilots were technically ALL illegal combatants. And, boy, was Pearl Harbor a man-caused disaster.) But back to terrorism. Fortunately, I’ve figured everything out and have a solution. It suddenly came to me. Terrorists now represent an actual state. The state is the Islamic State. And the Islamic State has in fact declared war on the U.S. brennerbrief/the-islamic-state-declares-war-on-the-united-states/ And—best of all—Islamic Terrorists DO wear uniforms. They’ve been wearing them from the beginning. They’ve been wearing them for all of us to see, and we have seen. We just never realized they were uniforms before. The uniform that unmistakably identifies someone as a part of the Islamic State army is (wait for it)…the ubiquitous ski mask! Of course! When was the last time you saw a terrorist on television not wearing a ski mask? Never, right? They are very conscientious about wearing uniforms. They take their uniforms very seriously. Even yesterday when the Hamas Division of Islamic State shot 18 suspected Israeli spies, they were in uniform. Did you notice? They were all wearing ski masks. All of them. So this simplifies everything. The amorphous threat formerly known as Islamic terrorism is now a state: Islamic State. (See, very simple and easy to remember.) Islamic State has declared war on…well, pretty much everyone that is not Islamic State. And (bless them) they are all dressed in a very recognizable uniform: the ski mask. Note: I’ve worn a ski mask myself, but only very rarely. It has to be a REALLY cold day on the slopes to wear a ski mask. Like, around 20 degrees below zero Fahrenheit. The other place where ski masks are occasionally worn is Green Bay Packers games. So, note to military forces: When you see what appears to be an Islamic State uniform, it’s actually not if the person is wearing either (a) skis, or (b) a cheesehead hat. Everyone else is an Islamic State terrorist. Got it? So just to summarize. Terrorism is no longer a law enforcement problem. We are clearly at war with a specific nation. That nation has in fact declared war. And its soldiers (who roam about globally) always wear uniforms: ski masks. So, subject to the caveat above, anyone in a ski mask is a lawful enemy combatant and can be shot and killed. If captured, they are immune to all civil and criminal laws, but can be held in a prisoner of war camp, with Geneva Convention treatment, until the war is formally over. And sometimes wars take a long time. (Remember the Hundred Years War.) Is this not the perfect solution? :)
Posted on: Sat, 23 Aug 2014 15:12:25 +0000
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