Today marks two years since I began treatment for cancer - an anniversary I wasnt always certain Id reach. My PSA levels have fallen to negligible levels, and the treatment is doing exactly what its supposed to. I am not cancer-free, but its progression is in check and Im still here. But I feel worse than I ever have. Physically, I feel weak and soft. I get winded walking a flight of stairs. Im soaked in sweat after I vacuum the carpet. And mentally - emotionally - Im just a dumpster fire. Im not writing this seeking sympathy or validation, Im just really struggling right now and need an outlet. Since I started this treatment, Ive realized that my emotions had a heck of a lot more peaks and valleys than I ever had pre-treatment. Lately, it seems, the peaks are more like speed bumps and the valleys are bottomless chasms. There have been no triggers that have me feeling this way - I adore my wife and family, Im working at a job I enjoy, and life is generally good. However, every little stressor sends panic into my chest and stomach. I wrestle with every tiny decision I need to make. And I cant seem to shake this uncontrollable need to just cry all the time. I think Ive always lived with varying levels of depression, but the hormone treatment seems to have stripped away all of the tools to deal with it. This must be how cancer wins. The treatment kicks your ass, then youre easy pickings when the treatment loses effectiveness. When I was first diagnosed, I still thought I was bulletproof. I was full of swagger and certain I would give cancer a run for its money. I still wear that mask for my friends and family, but Im hanging from the cliff by two fingers and cant seem to find a foothold.
Posted on: Fri, 15 Aug 2014 04:29:22 +0000
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