Tonight as I begin my week, I am at an all time low. In 6 days my son Christopher Charles should be turning a quarter of a century old but he is forever 23. Most people will say, you have a beautiful daughter you should be thankful for. Believe me, I am thankful every day for this beautiful young lady I call Breezy. She is my life. One thing that people do not understand is that I have two children that I love with all my heart. One is now an angel and it hurts like hell. Keeping the memory of my son alive in no way means I dont love my daughter just as much. Her bubby loved her so much too. Burying your child is not normal. I will never get over it or continue to wish I still had him here on earth. I will never make my daughter feel inferior to her brother if I can help it. But if you havent lost a child, you do not know the pain of trying to keep the memory of the child in heaven memory alive while making your living child feel important too. My life will never be the same. Happiness is hard to feel. I can sometimes loose myself in a volleyball or basketball game while Breezy is playing but the cruel reality comes back full force later. The pain is never far away. As this week wears on, I will cry a lot. I will pray even more because I need God to get through this week without going insane. The second year is horrible. The shock and numbness that helps you through the first year is gone. People need to remember also that Breezy lost her bubby. When you see her looking out into space when she should be really have her mind into the game, she is hurting. She needs love from her friends but she will never say this. This week will also be hard on my precious baby girl. No. The memory of the night he passed, his visitation and the horrible time at his funeral will never go away. Unfortunately I remember something each day. I have nightmares that keep me awake at night. People also say the pain will get easier. I dont think so. When you lose someone as special as child like Christopher Charles, you will never get over it. The pain will never get easier but hopefully my brain will learn to deal with it. I have been through so many hard times in my life but losing my child is the worst thing ever that could happen to me. I want to thank all that read my posts and give me encouragement. Without you and God, life would be even more difficult. As always, thanks for listening. Penny
Posted on: Mon, 20 Oct 2014 02:37:13 +0000
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