Tonys is one of those places that absolutely relies on a gimmick to survive. Lets play pretend for a moment: Pretend you visited a diner that was so greasy-feeling that you wanted to take a shower after you left. Pretend you visited a diner that offered really low-grade, flavorless bulk food - fatty and greasy-tasting bacon, flavorless cheap ground beef, Mexican food that was bland and filled with fillers like flavorless beans and lettuce, and bulk pancake mix. Pretend the diner had disgustingly filthy bathrooms that hadnt been maintained all day, with paper towels lazily thrown on the counter, sopping wet and touched by countless grubby hands rather than placed in the dispenser, urinals filled with wads of piss-yellow napkins, and a soap dispenser that was leaking all over the wall and floor. Pretend the diner had a kitchen manager that trashily yelled and swore at the staff, dropping F-bombs, yelling at the staff about things that youd rather not hear (such as how many hours certain food items had been left standing out rather than being refrigerated). Oh, and you can see and hear all this because its a diner with an open kitchen. Pretend this diner was filled with clientèle that were less than savory as well; the kind of people who scream at their kids, get into loud arguments at the seat behind you, and who eat more than they should. Road-weary and angry, or morbidly obese who shouldnt be eating plate fulls of greasy food. .... Now, with all that pretend: is that the kind of place youd eat at? Much less give 4 or even 5 stars? No, you wouldnt. Not unless it had some amazing saving grace, a gimmick to let all the rest of that stuff slide. Tonys is that place. Their gimmick is their massive portions. They pride themselves on their copious use of vast amounts of bacon on everything. A BLT has a pound of bacon. A burger has about a half pound. Ill tell you right now: The reason they are able to turn a profit with the portion sizes they serve is because they use the absolute cheapest crap ingredients they can get their hands on. I dont know this for fact, of course, but my companions and I all agreed: The bacon was the worst weve ever had. It tasted like it had been deep fried in old grease, and it was fatty and as low-grade as it can get. Sure, you get a pound of it. But a pound of this bacon isnt worth the heart attack that will surely be that much closer because of it. I cant make this up: The waitress, while sweet and kind, was awkward. She assumed my girlfriend was the mother of my children, and called us mom and dad. She assumed my son was a girl, so called him she. These werent a big deal, just slightly awkward. What was actually a bit more than just awkward was the fact that she directed us to the Mexican section of the menu, with the statement, Its authentic! We got us a little Mexican back there makin it up! For real! Seriously? Nervous giggles. A little Mexican, indeed. I ordered the Dixie burrito (a chicken burrito). The sauce was definitely homemade, and it was good. Sadly, it was the only good part of the burrito. The thing was huge, but overstuffed with the cheap stuff: Mostly cheap beans and tons of lettuce. The chicken wasnt seasoned at all. If I hadnt slathered the whole mess with salsa, sour cream, and Uncle Bobs Mild Barbecue Sauce, it would have been a flavorless mass on par with high school cafeteria burritos. My girlfriend got the chili, which was the best thing I tasted at the table. It was homemade, and perfectly acceptable, despite the use of cheap ground beef. My friend got a super duper deluxe something-or-other burger, which he was very excited about. Unfortunately, the only thing super duper about it was the pile of the aforementioned crap-ass bacon on top of it. The rest of the burger was bland and miserable. He ate the bacon off first, to make it a manageable size, and was rewarded with two separate meals: One of bad bacon, and one of a bad hamburger. I cant give Tonys one star, because its the kind of place you have to visit at least once. Everybody should go here, if only to experience the true depths of American excess. Dont get me wrong, its fun. I didnt have an absolutely horrible experience; we left smiling and laughing about it all. I didnt try the famous half gallon banana split, which seems so popular. Maybe we just hit the place on a bad day, which would explain the trashy clientèle and staff and the absolutely filthy bathrooms--those things can be forgiven. But what cant be forgiven to a food lover like me is the absolute dearth of any concern for quality food. Sure, you can shovel triple heapin helpins of crap on my plate, but that dont mean Imma gonna like it.
Posted on: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 17:13:50 +0000
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