Topic: I am trying to get better after a second breakdown in four years. My first time was hell, and Im surprised I survived it.After two years, I was back to myself, was off most meds. I just had another breakdown in January, brought all my anxiety back that Id tried so hard to forget about! Ive been stuck on my couch or bed all winter and still. I have no motivation, and I just feel like I have this huge empty painful hole in me. I have cptsd, extreme anxiety and depression. My boyfriend and kids do help, but I feel no love from them and I know theyre sick of being around me. We dont have family or friends here and I feel alone. Its like, I know what I need to to get life back going. But something inside me just wants to sit around or sleep. Now Ive gotten so bored, I just cant handle it anymore. Where do I find motivation? I cant even take care of myself let alone my family. Showering is hard, getting out is hard. All I want is to get better again, and I know in order to do that I have to keep my mind busy. Get back to work maybe. Its just so hard! Does anyone relate? My boyfriend asked me how hard can it be to just get in the shower? I dont get it either! How am I supposed to get him to understand. I contemplate death everyday, all though I know I really do want to live and just be happy! I just cant see it. Im really upset this happened again, Because when I got better, I thought for sure this would never happen again! Im a good person and I dont think I deserve to be like this every single day! I need to find strength to get my life back together but sometimes it seems futile. I have no friends and Im the type of person that craves love and friendship so much! I know most people will say try reading, meditating, music, hobbies, etc. None of that works for me! Some people have said get off my meds maybe. As soon as I feel any anxiety I take my meds. I dont want to feel that pure hell anymore. Im just lost know. I pray, I try to think positive, nothing helps. Am I doomed this time forever? Because I cant handle this much more. One last thing - how do you self love? Ive never loved myself, not that I can ever remember. My lifes been chaos. And Im also not happy at all with my current life. Im 35, and thought my life would be so so different by now! Anyone relate? Im a mess and lost and broken.
Posted on: Thu, 24 Apr 2014 19:15:31 +0000
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