*.*.*… Trans Talk – Kaylie Style …*.*.* Dear Kaylie, I have been a fan of yours for a long time and love the advice you give. So I figured you might be able to answer a question for me. I am MtF Transgender, I have been on HRT for 7 months, and currently live life as a woman except at work and around family. I am not worried about coming out to work because that will be further down the line. However, I would like to open up to my family and am not sure where to start. Do I do it all at once and open up at Thanksgiving, or should I wine and dine each family member one by one. What do I say? SURPRISE! I am ready to take this giant step forward, and would love for some of your famous great advice. Sincerely, Soon To Be Me! *** Dear Soon To Be Me, I really have to Thank You for your kind words. It really keeps me motivated. It feels good to be helpful and I truly hope I can make a difference. I also commend you for having the courage to take the next steps in moving forward with your Transition. Typically, coming out to a family member is a tough thing to go through. Although tough, afterwards it is such a liberating feeling. So I recommend first to make sure you have a strong support system such as a Gender Therapist or a loving and Supportive Spouse. This will be helpful if by chance a family member reacts in a negative way you weren’t expecting. They might surprise you in a positive way, however, just be prepared it could go negative. Next, you need to set up a game plan. PFLAG.org recommends, “Writing a letter to parents or family; read it over, sleep on it, does it say everything you want to say, and in a loving way? Then THEY get to read and reread and respond thoughtfully. Plenty of time to talk in person later. You might also give them something to read or suggest books or videos for them.” I personally believe a letter is a great way to go because it is a way to get everything out in the open at once and without being interrupted. In a letter, you also have a chance to perfect what you want to say. I have also personally had great success with a “Wine and Dine” as you put it. Go somewhere that you know you both might enjoy, perhaps a nice restaurant or a walk on the beach or a trip to the park. After a little small talk, tell them you invited them here because you have something special you want to tell them. Open up slowly and stay positive. Please don’t “surprise” your family, they have not had the time to process this like you have had. Also, remember that they most likely will be confused and may ask a lot of questions. If they don’t, encourage them to ask a lot of questions. PFLAG.org has also created a really helpful list of the things your family should know when coming out to them as Transgender. These are important things your family should know: • You still love them. • You are not doing this to hurt them. • You’ve had these feelings since you were _________________ years old • You resisted coming out to yourself for ______________________ years • You really struggled with it, but it wouldn’t go away; - it’s SUCH a compelling feeling! • You are now pretty seriously considering (hormones/reassignment surgery/or _________________ • You have talked extensively with a counselor, met many other trans folks, have done some reading and/or at this point you believe _________________ about yourself. • If/when you change your gender presentation, you will still be the same person inside in many ways. • You will still have much of the personality you always had. • You will probably still have the same corny sense of humor. • You will still love them, music, cats, loud shirts, short hair, etc. • You will still work, go to college, keep your friends, go to church, and love your children..... (things that are important to them)... • You might also change in some ways - voice, hair, walk, talk, dress, etc. Be honest about what changes to expect. • You might look as though you were your twin brother/sister. • You will give them all the time they need to get used to the new you. You didn’t get used to the idea overnight yourself. • You know the new name is hard; they even get the grandchildren mixed up sometimes. • New pronouns are even harder. After all, your mother changed your diapers a thousand times and knows your body. Cut them some slack here. (I still slip up after many years!) • Your love life - what do you expect about your marriage, current partner, future type/gender of partner. You might as well be frank here, even if you just don’t know. (I tell my friends I never cared about life after death, but love after transition - THAT concerns me...) • You realize they may go through an emotional process, too -- shock, denial, bargaining, anger, guilt, sadness, acceptance. Know these symptoms and help them also to recognize them. I really hope this has been helpful. There is a lot to say, and I am trying to keep it short. Does anyone else have some advice on coming out to your family? Any advice on who to tell first? I would love to hear some personal stories. And if anyone has some advice from experience, lets here it. Until next time! Lots of Love, ~Kaylie Love Facebook/ProudToBeTrans P.S… Due to the lack of letters, “Trans Talk – Kaylie Love” will only appear once a week on Tuesdays. However a new feature will appear on Fridays called “Forget It Fridays”. If you do have a question or need some advice, please write to Kaylie at ProudToBeTransgender@Yahoo and maybe your letter just might be the next big discussion! Are you in the mood to help out? Check out my updated Donation Page at GoFundMe/KaylieLove and see how safe and simple it is to use.
Posted on: Wed, 05 Jun 2013 00:59:34 +0000
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