Tuesday Evening Blog: Of Tolkien and Bupropion I think I understand why Wellbutrin is linked to so many suicides. I dont think its the drug that causes the suicidal thoughts to intensify- I think its the clarity the drug gives you. A person who suffers from severe bipolar mental illness has to stay on the drug or risk living a roller coaster life that is destructive and erratic. What Wellbutrin does is level the person out so that they can function somewhat normally. Heres what happens though: Someone who barely functions suddenly becoming functional will look back at their life and see all the poor decisions they made, all the destruction they caused, all the hurt, all the sorrow, all the problems; and they will realize that they themselves were responsible for it. The thought then occurs that though the drug is allowing them to see things clearly for the moment, eventually at some point they will be off of it again, and things will go back to the way they were. This becomes, at times, an unbearable thought- the sum of all fears. It then becomes clear that this wasted mess of a life only exists to make the lives of others miserable. Thats when the dark, suicide-preening thoughts ooze in. This person will, for instance, sit by themselves in a basement watching Creator (marginally successful 1985 Peter OToole movie featuring the marginally successful Virginia Madsen), bawling their eyes out, indulging in deep, gut-clenching sobs while his or her family and friends laugh, dance, and sing in the room upstairs. No one will hear these horrifying sobs over the music and laughter, so there is no reason to muffle them. At the sound of them, the person casts all abandon to the moaning and weeping- a true grown baby. Pathetic. Frightening. Gollum. This person will reflect on the fact that their whole life has been spent in the basement (metaphorically, if not literally); that the character from Lord of the Rings with whom they best identify is still, after all these years, Gollum (even though at times it resembled that fool of a Took, Pippin, who really did do, or wanted to do, heroic things...but was more often than not just surrounded by rather heroic company). Gollum, the ultimate bipolar wretch. This person will start to reflect on religion and spirituality and wonder if they really were just a spawn of Cain trying to grasp what some of the real Christians seemed to have, or if that ray of hope was real- real, and somehow within reach. This person will start to disassociate themselves from themselves and instead start to view themselves as a problem to be fixed. A subject matter to be resolved. Then the choice will begin to demand being made: Choose. In the end, Gollums idolatry got him. He wanted to be good, he just wanted his idol more. What do I want? I want peace. Jesus is about the only peace Ive ever found, Wellbutrin or not, and in the end, I know Jesus would want me to stick it out and let Him do the work He promised Hed do on my heart. If Jesus is just my imaginary friend, Hes done a bang up job- a lot better than Makanimit (my childhood imaginary friend) ever did. Hes helped me quit smoking, become the sole support for my family, quit drinking, quit a lot of things... But when you quit those things, what do you have left? When Gollum didnt have his ring any more, what DID he have? He had a secret desire to go along to get along until he could have another stab at it. And he ultimately did get what he wanted- though it killed him. But what if Gollum had not betrayed his Master and instead become the hero he wanted to be? What of redemption? What if he had aided Sam and Frodo in their quest instead of trying to sabotage them? What if. What if. Those ships, those final voyages to The Grey Havens...what if there had been a seat for Smeagol on board? Sadly, all it took was one good look in the mirror at all he had done...and he was undone. It would have taken a miracle to untwist such a wretched creature. A miracle indeed. I wont stop praying for the mentally ill, but I dont fear for them all...only the lost ones. Not all who wander are lost.
Posted on: Wed, 12 Feb 2014 04:52:56 +0000
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