WTH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am I standing on a tall chair, when I have to walk with a cane to keep balanced??? Not only that, but spent 33 minutes up there??? Its tough having an artistic mind, because when something is not finished to the expectation of the artist, it is scraped or worked on til done. Im up there tying 9mm reconstituted crystal drops, after all the chain was taken from new to look completely rustic. So to NOT have rain drops dripping from the chain is unacceptable. Mind you, I have very little ability to feel the line, and then with this demon within, I go through boughts of not being able to figure out how to tie a knot. This to me is so frustrating, to know Im being a dumb ass to be on something if I fall from, somethings gonna break, and it will be on my body, with what ever else that takes a blow from my fall. Im up there, got 22 chain links with 9 MM clear drops dripping gracefully down, as if it were some misty morning in the Pacific NW. Thats only 1 section, I have three more left. This is coming from the lest side of the brain, and I know the right side is saying hey, whoa whoa whoa whoa, remember the last fall? Only 4 inches off the ground, and the spine was shoved through the skull, and brain tissue is still dripping from your skull caps. Better yet, the rt ankle that took the trip down the stairs, and ended very painfully disfigured, after impact. THOSE WERENT GOOD TIMES!!!!!. Lt side, uh what you say sumtin over there??? Admiring the drops on the chain, see I knew that would look good...Just perfect... Put this is gay Eddie Murphy artist voice, and that is how I am hearing this conversation go... So for the love of art vs, falling and getting physically hurt, art wins out, and it will try more times... Hears where I get to serious again.......I still havent gotten over NOT being this me. I have changed light fixtures, and rewired them, and stood on a bucket to do it. WTH... Now I have to think about, then try and remember how to tie a knot, with material I cant really feel. Few weeks ago I couldnt remember how to tie a bow for a decoration. I learned to do this at age three. The demon, has no issue on removing what was part of life, and no issue to do with my eyes closed. Im 48, how do I really come to terms about this??? So unexpected, so no feeling of a warning, and this demon drags on for decades if it so pleases. It doesnt get to still my ideas, it doesnt get to still my dreams, my hopes, my wishes. No, it doesnt get any of that, for if it were to, then I would really be alive, but dead. LOL, realization hasnt squashed the goofy me, the jokesters that I hid for a long time, the intellectual me, with an unending desire to KNOW, the optimistic; nor has it damped the soul. Which when thinking of the soul, is that when it decides to depart, for hope of being half of half is impossible. I dont even want to know if, or what getting to that point feels like. I dont want to know what it feels like to have a body that no longer functions, and how the soul must FEEL. Watched my grandmother go through that for 13 yrs, and knowing onl y how my own brain functions, vs any other person. It would be an agony to be aware, but not be able to express that you are. I have felt that one time before, and knew I never wanted to feel that way again. This is like a NOTE TO SELF, as the demon keeps snaking along, I can sort of go back and remember when it hadnt been worse. The optimistic me is feeling, we can keep it at bay, we dont have to think about these things. We are on this side of the bridge, so lets stay here a while and just enjoy who we are today...
Posted on: Thu, 31 Oct 2013 04:47:03 +0000
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