Waking up dead I know what achan must have seen when he woke up after he died. He would have woken up peaceful, pain free and relieved to see the core of his family around him. What he wouldnt have been happy about, was how he had left us heart broken and devastated. He must have surely tried to reach out to take Amma in his arms, like he had done a million times and tell her yes, yes to all that she had asked and said to him that morning while he lay in a coma. For days now he had drifted in and out of a coma...the last days were painful for us to see movement under his eye lids but never opening them. He s going, we were told. Five of us stared at the palliative care doctor, each one in their own living hell. Go speak to him,the doctor said , he may be able to hear you. Go, Amma said to the four of us, I want to be the last. We looked at her with fear in our eyes... What if.. Amma said no, he ll wait for me. We started from the youngest to the eldest. I know none of us even knew where to start... How do you bid someone you ve loved all your life, with all your heart, goodbye?? I know what I said.... Pressing little kisses all over his face, I lay my tear stained face against his and asked for forgiveness if I had hurt him in anyway possible by thought, word or action and told him I loved him with all my heart and kept repeating myself... Ammas turn finally came around and she went in and stayed with him for so long we got worried ... We crept into the room, there was a uniform gasp and then complete silence that went around... to see Amma with her head on his chest weeping and telling achan that she loved him, always did and always will and only wanted him as her life partner in all their lifetimes to come...what we couldnt get over was ..achan had his eyes open with tears rolling down the sides of his face. He gently closed them as she lifted her head, never to open them again. I would jerk awake at 2.47 am every morning with a cold kiss planted on my cheek. This had been going on for 28 days... It was 28 days since my best friend Alka passed away...I knew she was a restless soul. I knew she wanted to tell me what had happened to snatch her away at such a young age. And I was petrified. I kept wondering what she d felt when she realised that she was dead. I carried around with me a dream I had dreamt for 28 days. I saw her lifeless body being lifted off the bed and propped on a stool by her dressing table...one shoulder strap of her nightie slipped off her shoulder. He gently leaned her against the wall. Looked at his watch...it was 2.53 am...Silently walked out the front door, ran down the steps and got into a red car with a CD number plate that belonged to international diplomates in Delhi, and drove off into the night. I saw him curled on the floor in his room sobbing his heart out. Not picking up the phone to tell a single soul of the girl he had left behind, dead. I would wake up in a cold sweat, wondering what to do. I could feel her presence all around me. I felt if I called out her name, she would gently whisper in my ear, a desperate yes. I was stumped when they told me the case was closed, asphyxiation they said. Then why, was my big, urgent question...how can you shut a case if a person was suffocated to death... I had told the police what I thought might have happened but they rubbished it.. I dont blame them but why close a murder case... Its what the family wants was their answer. I sunk into a pit of dark suffocating depression. In a month and a half I became a shadow of my former self. All I did was sit in a silent corner in my room and brood. I stopped going for work and in my heart I gave thanks for Kavi being with my parents down south. It was a unanimous decision my friends took..they packed my bags and put me on a flight back home. Go heal, they said. I brought the gloom with me and Kavi stayed away, saying she was scared to be around me. I could understand because I felt her presence all around me day and night. My achan was worried beyond words..my Amma spent hours coaxing me to eat, shower and get out of my room..nothing worked. At night I slept with all the lights on, and slept restlessly only to be kissed awake at 2.47 every morning. I showered with my eyes wide open, shampoo and soap running into my eyes..but for the life of me I could not close it knowing I d see her reflection when I opened them again. Worried, achan and Amma, took me one day to meet an astrologer. I m not too sure if he only did pure astrology work, I was convinced he knew the workings of the other side too. Youve got your friend with you, he said, pointing with his chin to my left shoulder. I nodded. My parents sat frozen in their wooden chairs. That night, after a pooja he wound a black knotted thread around my left wrist, muttering mantras. Dont remove this thread, he said. When its time and she finds her way back to the light, it will drop off your wrist by itself. Amma and I sat that night, on the steps that led to our front door..I sat and watched a butterfly or was it a moth ..fly around like a drunken winged being. In 20 minutes it fell from the skies dead, right in front of us. I sobbed into my ammas arms and that night Kavi crawled into bed with me and I slept, an uninterrupted sleep for the first time in days. It took one whole year for the weathered knotted string to untie itself and disappear from my wrist. Its been 14years, I have prayed every night for her soul to rest in peace. Three years after Alka was lost to me... It happened again. I lost a huge piece of my heart. On the journey back home..I insisted on getting into the mobile mortuary van that carried my achan back home. Three cars followed but I stayed by his side, resting my head on the glass coffin that trapped him inside.... Achaaaaa I called out from the depths of my being..my call echoed into another world and I felt a warm kiss on my wet cheek and a whisper from a voice I would never in my life hear again. Yes kutta he said into my ear....I am right here.
Posted on: Sat, 19 Apr 2014 16:11:56 +0000
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