***Warning: This is a deeply personal and uncharacteristically serious post from me. If you read it, I ask that you do so with love and compassion. P.S. Its also really long. Youre welcome.*** I finished this journal recently. It took me five years and a few months. I have a good and blessed life now that is very nearly perfect for who I am and what I want out of this time around. I am thankful every day for it. This beautiful leather book is the story of how I got here. In other words, its the story of the pain and joy and healing behind the profile picture. In the interest of completing the journey of the book, my Oprah place told me to share it with you. I listen to my Oprah place. The first entry was fluff. It was written December 1st, 2008. The second entry was written in mid-December of that year. I wrote about not being sure I wanted to be a chiropractor and that I needed more joy and play in my life. The third entry was written on December 29th 2008 at 11:57am. It was a Monday. I wrote: I dont want to be here anymore. Ive thought about dying again. This was something I wrote for myself. No one else was meant to see it. This was not a cry for help. This was not me being a drama queen. This was me honestly not knowing what else to do. My soul was sick. I was sick. Every fiber of my being was screaming Something has to give! I knew like I knew like I knew that I had to make changes or I would very literally not be alive. I usually talk about my move to San Francisco by saying a lot of doors closed for me in New York. Thats true, but it really glosses over the entire year of 2009. My first marriage ended. I have compassion for where we both were but there was still pain surrounding it. I had to file bankruptcy. I lost my business because of the bankruptcy. To be honest, I was so emotionally and spiritually bankrupt, I was not in a position to provide care for others. I moved across the country on what must have seemed like a whim to a lot of people. The move and my behavior at the time created cracks in relationships with family members. I have tried to repair them with little success. I own my responsibility for that. I had serious problems controlling my drinking. I had gained at least 15 pounds. I continued to deal with my Sjogrens Syndrome. Lastly, my grandfather died in January 2010. He was one of the most awesome, funny, warm, open and giving people Ive ever known. I miss him everyday. I didnt make those initial steps without help. I saw a therapist for months before I moved. I also had a few very close, amazingly generous friends that gave me places to stay and hours of their time. I will forever be extremely grateful to them. And then theres Japji. I tell people very often that he saved my life and I know people dont quite understand what I mean by that...maybe they will now. Ive always had a problem feeling safe, secure and like I can fully trust. Japji loving me so completely helped me to change that and provided a foundation for me to rebuild on. For the record, Japji says we saved each other. After 5 years and hundreds of pages, I feel that I am the best and most authentic version of myself that I have ever been. I have my confidence and strength and clarity. I feel that this journal is the ending of one phase of life and that I am about to enter a new and fantastically awesome phase. I cant wait to see what happens next and where it takes me. Heres what the pain and challenges and subsequent healing have taught me: 1) Be honest with yourself. 2) Be honest with other people. Do it with kindness and compassion. 3) Ask for help. Accept help that is offered. 4) Listen to your soul and the Universe. Read the signs. 5) Life is short. 6) It takes action. It takes work. There are no promises that what you want will be easy for you to get. 7) Work to clearly understand your strengths and weaknesses. 8) Be grateful. Seriously. Find the blessings in your day to day. Really. 9) Dont worry about what you should do and dont worry about being judged. 10) Dont drink too much. 11) You are not the stories you or other people have told you. 12) Be honest about what you want. If youve made it to the end, thank you. Youve helped me complete a cycle of healing and I appreciate your presence in my life, no matter how remotely we might seem to be connected. Sometimes I say it sarcastically, but more often than not, I say it and mean it: I love people. All of them.
Posted on: Sun, 30 Mar 2014 20:55:04 +0000
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