Well Facebook friends and family, in forty years I dont think Ive ever made a new years resolution for myself. Now its time I make one that seems forty years worth of them. This year marks five years of me being divorced. Its been a rough five years trying to get my world back to a manageable one. Finding who I am in this new life, and trying to find happiness. Let me tell you, the hardest thing to do is to come home to a empty house on average of 22 days out of the month. When youre a caring, social, effectionate guy like me, that loneliness will break you quickly. So fast that you wont even be able to tell. You just change and you except it as the new you. That loneliness and lack of effection will continue to grow and it stays built up in you. When you finally find someone to spend some time with that quickly disolves because all that locked up effection comes pouring out and its to much for them to handle. Then you start getting angry. Wondering why not me, whats wrong with me. Everyone else can see whats wrong, but you cant because again, its just who you are now. Then there comes a point when you realize. That point for me was Christmas week. It took a 48 hour period to hurt every single person I care about. Christmas night I hurt every single person in my family. Then within 24 hours I did the same thing to the only person I felt like my true self around. The one person who kept telling me I needed help and kept giving me chances to prove my self. Ive hurt that person in many more ways than I want to get into here on facebook, but they know and thats all that matters. This morning I have been on the phone talking to numerous people about my situation and my life. I have decided to do what I thought in a million years I would never need to do. Im going to start seeing a psychologist. I always thought I was some badass tough guy and talking to someone about my problems and feelings was for wimps. After talking to doctors this morning I find that not true. I already have high hopes and think Ive selected a tremendous doctor. I not going to lie, Im scared as hell, but Im also excited. I want to get better. I need to get better. For me, my kids, my family, and anyone else that Im blessed to have in my life. Im posting this on Facebook in hopes that if there is anyone else that feels they are in this situation or in any other. Go get help. It doesnt mean you are weak or soft. It means you still have hope. Your life can be better. Make a change in your life in 2015! If you read all of this, thank you, it means you care. I love everyone of you and hope to see you at the end of my journey! Happy 2015 everyone.
Posted on: Fri, 02 Jan 2015 17:11:10 +0000
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