When A Mother loses a child... The unimaginable happens. A mother loses a child. The reaction is practically the same, hand to mouth, palm over chest.... we feel sick, we have a total loss for words and cannot speak. Do these things really happen? Our heart cannot bear that this could actually be true. How could God take such a sweet kind grinning spirit filled with innocence and joy. One minute so alive for the camera... we stare at the beautiful photos posted by their Mommy on her blog or FB ... As each day she had shared the joy of her forever life. I was asked today by a FB friend, My friends child died. What should I do? What do I say? How can you begin to even support a mothers unspeakable grief? Honestly, take a moment and try to imagine... But its impossible. You can not even touch such an experience until you are there. And in the end, perhaps, this is the one thing we must know about other peoples tragedies. My friends, unless you have lost a child ... You can NEVER possibly imagine what that mother is feeling. It belongs to them alone. And the grief is bitter and ebbs and flows throughout their entire lifetime. Nothing you can do... Nor should do... Will ever speed up the process of moving through the absolute surreal journey and pain of grief in losing a child. It is pain-filled literally knock you down, kick you in the gut again and again feeling ... where you want to be left in a dark alley clutching your stomach and rocking back and forth. Why? It hurts that bad, you are alone and the light literally hurts your eyes. Nothing outside of the darl alley way makes any sense anymore. The pain is the only thing that is real anymore. Your child is dead. The dark alleyway - It makes sense to you in a twisted way. Now as a Mother, we may not always show this part of us to the outside world... as their is a beauty in grief I am thankful for ... It is called numbness mixed with Gods supernatural strength and glory. It allows for a Mother to find her auto-pilot, that people think is inspirational, but really its a God given coping tool. As the show must go on right? It allows for the Mother to plan the wake, the funeral or Celebrations of Life ... To greet the relatives and friends who reach out to share their condolences. But what happens after all of this? Everyone else gets to go back to their own lives. For the Mother, she is stuck in her reality of losing a child and the reality gets much worse before it ever gets better. As months pass and the numbness fades, the reality sets in ... And that is when grief has a whole new definition in how it hurts beyond measure. As Mothers, we all have had to learn how to live without that spirit that melted into us during those 9 months inside of us. I remember it was painful at birth, not the labor... But the grieving of separations of my babies souls that had been intermingled in mine housed in my body. There was grief within me when I had to share Ellie and Grace, and later Ava... with the world. But the grief of having to let go of your child knowing they are no longer with you on earth... It is truly a tragedy of the heart and soul. Empty in a way that can never be filled. So what do you do when a Mother loses her child? Maybe, when a Mother loses her child ... you should be offering privacy in these searing moments of public grief, help her turn the circling the wagons away and ensuring she is able to learn how to breath through the torturous pain filled days. This is the time when those honestly that are the closest to the family and children are needed desperately to help organize, clean, care for and be in many way the task masters. A part of the Mother has died inside... Only she can overtime learn how to carry that cross. I know for me I embraced with full heart the amazing intentions of all who supported us during Ellies fight with cancer. But when it was all said and done... I needed to be offered a place of solace. I needed a place of quiet and a sanctuary to rest my weary head and I found comfort in silence. As the pain was like a steam train that blasted through my aching body day in and day out. I was so very lost. I was so very alone. But the world made no sense to me, it was all I could do was pace the wood floors and keep myself busy. So many people who learn of such tragedies ... try to reach out and make it better for that hurting soul. It is of honest and goodwill and intention. That is a beautiful thing to do. But if your honest, sometimes there is small whisper in the back of your ears.... You need to find a way to chase away your own personal fears as well. You can not help but to think, maybe, just maybe.... if you do something good for this poor family faced with indescribable pain and tragedy ... just maybe you can put a little magic charm in your pocket. It will create a bubble around you and form a pocket of protection around all those you love. You somehow can create a control (out of totally feeling out of control) in how life can suddenly serve us such a brutal force and bring such instant devastation... by reaching out and helping this family. It is a strange way, but if we are honest, all of us have done this in some way shape or form throughout our lives. How can we change this looming fear that takes hold of us when something bad happens in the world? When a Mother hears of a child that dies - we can not help but to ache for our own. then We shutter to think...What if? You cant go there... you put your hands over your ears and say La LAAAAAA LAAAA - But the voice continues to haunt you, you hear the whisper, If it happened to this family, it can happen to mine. Instantly, you may find you go on hyper overdrive to stop the storm from hitting your home and try to control it by reaching out to this hurting family. The loss of a child seems too much for one woman to bear. And so maybe its okay that all of us instantly reach out in support... and to try to carry our share of the heartache. But I ask you to just be sure to check your intentions... this will not save you from your destiny. We each have one and we must embrace the unknowns and be thankful for our today. So what do you do when a Mother loses a child? Honestly, I do not know. I am not an expert... I lost my Ellie Shoal Potvin at age 8 years old from a inspirational and tragic fight against cancer. Yet, I am speechless like the rest of you when I learn of a Mother losing her child. I guess the one edge I have is.... Sadly, I know that no matter how bad this Mother feels when it happens... that this poor Mother has no idea how much worse it will get over time. But, because we have the stupid idiot motto Time Heals - People around her will actually believe that this Mother should get better before she gets worse in her grief. I laugh. A sick twisted wailing cackling laugh of sarcasm. Nope, you have no idea the journey of a Mother who loses a child. But it is nothing, nothing you could ever even begin to imagine - your worst nightmare your cant imagine. Your worst nightmare is when you live it. Maybe, my thoughts are this .... comfort. What brings comfort? Leave notes on her blog, send a message, a thoughtful note, a small gift that shows you are thinking of her, a meal... something that brings comfort. Maybe close your eyes and send prayers of love and strength. Maybe help to shoo away the spectators or the ambulance chasers. Maybe protect her. Be careful she does not suddenly link arms with new friends that may have ulterior motives ... do they have a secret motivations behind their sudden friendship with her. Sadly, so many find personal gains through others tragedies. It is a sick world. I have witnessed it first hand. Put your arms around them ... Fight for the families privacy. Help the Mother care for her children, her home. Help her with her daily tasks that she can no longer muster a seed of strength to get done. But do not ask her... she will say she is fine. Just do it. Or if she is bull headed, let her take on the world by herself and watch her do, do, do... But keep a watchful eye. So when she falls you can pick her up. Because she will. And it is very lonely when you are on the ground months later, but everybody is gone. You are the one to check in and constantly remind them they matter, you care and are forever there for them. No matter if you hear nothing in return... keep checking on them and be there when they need you. It is not on your time - the gift is on this Mothers time of need. It is about them - Not you. Just remember, should you chose to step in ... In any way shape or form into a Mothers world filled with grief. I do not care if you have known them forever or for a day... Expect NOTHING IN RETURN. Not a thank you note, not a phone call, not a e-mail, not a text message. This is not about you. At all. Let the Mother know you have no idea the pain they carry, but you love them and will be praying for them and they are not forgotten - But in your heart and prayers every single day. And when and if they finally come towards you... call you... reach out to you... Make no mistake it could be a week or 4 years later - Embrace them. Understand that grief has no timeline. Time is no longer real to a grieving mother. The expectations for them on meeting requirements in a friendship are suddenly null and void. Think of it as a very long drawn out rehab where this Mother will literally need to learn how to feed herself, talk again and walk again and maybe if she is lucky learn how to live again. She may appear not to be such an invalid on the outside, but no matter, that is exactly how she feels on the inside. Even if she can not see it herself. Someday she will. A Grieving Mother ... You cannot even begin to support a mothers unspeakable grief of losing a child. I guess my advice? Just let them know you care, you are there and send notes or a reminder how loved they are from time to time. But most of all my plea is to expect NOTHING in return for a very long time. The Mother will have a very hard time getting out of her own way... As she struggles to keep her family together and works to find a way to stop herself from drowning in such sorrow. A Mother who loses a child is a very lost soul. She must fight the waves of grief and grimace through the pain ... As it is her sole responsibility to rebuild her earth family and find a way to still give them life - No matter what has been stolen. A Mother who lost a child ... thats a mother I can relate to... but I have honestly no idea if there are words to say. I guess, just be there in spirit to comfort through prayers. And if welcomed into their home - know you are on sacred ground and be mindful - it is a place you can not begin to understand. Respect that understanding, by having no expectations. Just love.
Posted on: Fri, 19 Dec 2014 22:03:09 +0000