When I was a kid, my mom and dad used to play Pinochle with another couple just about EVERY weekend... they were card-crazy. Just about every weekend wed all be over at their house, or they would be over at ours. That other couple didnt have any kids, and of course we had a house full. After years of this going on, I remember one day my mom answering the phone and it was my dad calling from work, breaking the news to her that the husband of that couple had suddenly left that marriage to be with someone hed been having an affair with because the girlfriend was pregnant. Your basic nightmare, right? I mean - these were like their best friends and apparently NOBODY saw it coming. It was pretty devastating to them, if I recall correctly. Everything theyd known came into question. How did they not see any signs? It was a total shock. A few years later, my dad became ill and ultimately passed away after being in the hospital for a time. My siblings and I were still young, ranging in age from 12 to 18. Overall, it was awful, but after seeing him so sick for months and months in some ways it was sort of a relief because after he passed away, there was a sort of lifting of a huge weight that had been hanging over all of us. A realization that we, too, had been suffering, and not until my dad passed away did we all really realize that. That sick feeling every time the phone would ring was no longer there. We were able to start thinking again about the future with a sense of optimism, rather than that horrible short leash that rules your life when someone is sick all the time - how will tomorrow be? can we even plan to do the things people do every day such as go to school, get to/from school, do anything without worrying about our loved one? I do remember talking with my mom and basically both of us being of the mind that as heartbreaking as losing dad was... she was thinking it was so much harder to be going through what her friend went through with that divorce: because he was still out there with the girlfriend, pregnant, having a baby, basically rubbing it in her face every day everywhere he went that she had been passed over for a younger more fertile model of wife. What if she were to run into him? I mean, at least death was over - final, and a new beginning could happen. I used to agree with her on all that. Since we have lost Gavin though, Im thinking I dont feel the same anymore. Yes, there is the opportunity for a new beginning and yes, he isnt sick anymore and he is in Heaven, and that is all good. BUT - going through the grieving process is really a process that goes on in our heads and in our hearts. It really is a personal process and truth be told, doesnt have anything to do with running into an ex at the store. Because it all comes down to our frame of mind. If we believe in mind over matter, and practice it in any fashion, we can overcome great adversity. In either case there are reminders everywhere of the people we loved - still love - with all our hearts, that they are no longer with us. But in the case of a spouse who has left you - logically, why would you ever want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you? Did you ever really have them to begin with? Have the faith enough to believe you are better off with people in your life who love you and will honor and be with you because they want to be there. YOU ARE better off without traitors and cheaters and liars in your life. Not everyone can have the confidence or clarity to see that, though. But oh, when you lose someone you loved with all your heart, who loved you back with all of their heart, especially a precious child... and they are never going to come back... it really hurts. And although there is the promise of a new beginning, there are no mind games you can play with yourself that you are any better off. Despite a clean break, what we are going through is not easy. Its just... loss. And sadness. and emptiness. There is no escape but to work through it, and get through it by putting one foot in front of the other, and going through the motions until you can start to feel something again. There is nowhere to hide from it. And how can I ever thank him for all the goodness he brought into our lives? I myself am an exponentially better person now, than I ever was before he came along. I think that having children and wanting to raise them right, really forces you to take a good, long look at yourself and if you are sincere about wanting to be the person you want them to see... really make big changes on the inside. A wise person once said that all big change, even on the outside, really starts on the inside. Its true. Ive said before and Ill say it again - I am so thankful for a loving husband and two other amazing sons to get up in the morning for, and play cards with, and look to the future with, and that I can see a purpose to Gavins life that I can now dive into... but for any of it, you really have to be able to take a step back and see what is important. To see a big picture for things. Im just thankful I am in a relatively good frame of mind as we all try to recover from this loss and deal with it, as we move forward without our sweet boy. It isnt going to be easy and I still cant imagine how we are going to do it... but I sincerely mean it when I say there is truth to not taking anything for granted ... and that includes yourself. So, I hope I dont lose my mind anytime soon.
Posted on: Thu, 04 Dec 2014 06:45:02 +0000
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