When we end a relationship with a narcissist – it can be a terrible and painful experience to realize there is no closure. There is no “I’m sorry, I treated you terribly”, there is the absence of “I realize that if I had done things differently we could have worked”, or “The way I treated you was disgraceful”. Often, horrifically, there is no explanation for the cruel ability to abuse and manipulate you, and then discard, abandon and move on as if you never existed. Most narcissistic abuse sufferers struggle terribly with this – and experience the anguished feelings of “What did I REALLY mean to him or her?” These feelings of non-closure can create a powerful hook, whereby you feel like you are waiting for some sense of closure. You may feel like you deserve an apology, some sort of explanation, or even some evidence that the narcissist’s life is miserable now that you’re not in it. From where you’re sitting, it feels like none of this exists, and it may even feel like you’re stuck and you can’t move on without this closure. How do you get on with your life when you can’t have closure? Additionally, you gave so much of yourself, and to what avail? Not to mention the horrific loses that you experienced along the way. And the narcissist has skipped off into the horizon, continuing life as normal without even skipping a beat. Where is the justice?! Insult is added to injury when you start experiencing: the more you want closure from the narcissist, the less you get it… For many people, after suffering a narcissistically abusing relationship, it feels like you have been punished, that life has dealt you a terrible blow – and you are desperate for some form of closure… You may call, text or write letters to the narcissist, venting your feelings, fishing for answers, trying to coerce him or her to respond like a normal human being, force some accountability, and you may spew forth your pain to try to activate some sort of guilt. However, no matter what you try, it doesn’t work; leaving you even more desperate for closure. It’s a horrible, vicious cycle. Human Closure Versus Narcissistic Closure Closure may be possible if you were dealing with a normal human being, because the fundaments of normal human interaction are about having a conscience, and possessing the ability to consider other people’s feelings. There are relationship endings that do exist whereby one or both parties has genuine concern in regard to creating closure, decency and respect when going separate ways. This, however, is not the narcissistic reality. Do you believe ‘everything happens for reason’? I do, and I have found that this acceptance is one of the biggest keys in recovering from narcissistic abuse. I’m coming up to that part soon… As you well know by now, the narcissist does not have this functionality – and no matter how much you would like him or her to grant you something, anything to help you gain closure – the narcissist has no perception, or desire to do that. In fact your trying to gain closure keeps offering the narcissist A Grade Narcissistic Supply. It supplies attention, and the ability for the narcissist to feel incredibly important that you are so affected by what he or she has done. Let’s face it, in the midst of narcissist abuse you met head on with lack of accountability, zero conscience and a total lack consideration for your feelings. If you didn’t receive decencies then, why would you now? Nothing has changed… I know that we all have had the hope that somewhere, somehow the narcissist will get it…genuinely get it…and that this would mean, one day after breaking up, you would receive sanity, ownership, signs of regret and remorse… In fact you may have seen these things before, but you know it doesn’t hold, and therefore these feelings are not genuinely felt or owned by the narcissist, and certainly are not, and will not be applied in his or her life, or dealings with you. True Closure Now I’m going to get to the ‘everything happens for a reason’ part. And this is crucially important because if we don’t believe everything happens for a reason, then we remain a victim. Being a victim creates powerlessness. Why? Because we are choosing to believe that life is non-sensical, random and cruel, and we are powerless in a threatening version of life. In fact we feel so powerless that we have to wait for external situations to fix the way we feel about life and ourselves. This is incredibly fragile, precarious and dependent on things and people that we have no control over, simply because anything outside of our ‘self’ cannot be controlled. The only control we ever have is with ourself. There is no denying that narcissistic abuse is one of the most (if not the most) empowering opportunities (via total emotional devastation) to get aligned with your essential Life Truth that will set you free in every area of your life, and not just within relationships. This truth is: The Creation Of Your Life Is Never Dependent On What Someone Else Is Or Isn’t Doing. Through the experience of narcissistic abuse you were pulled out of your own power, and your entire feelings of Survival, Security and Identity became what the narcissist was or wasn’t doing. This created your state of already existing codependency to be highlighted significantly, and allowed you to be abused. When we recover from narcissistic abuse truly all of the illusions that something or someone outside of us is responsible for our state of self are released – because at True Self level anything or anyone else is ABSOLUTELY NOT responsible for us. Your True Closure is this: What happened was meant to be for very important reasons. You hadn’t previously realized that your own lack of self-worth, self-love and poor boundary function attracted, allowed and enabled this to happen. Without this experience you would never have been able to clean up what you needed to in order to become empowered. You absolutely do have the resources within yourself and available in life to do this essential work on yourself. You can now become dedicated to yourself in order to create the life that is truly aligned with what you want, and This needed to happen, in order for you to create that alignment. From where you are right now, this may seem to be a Quantum Leap – and I promise you, I’ve been there, I know what that feels like. I can totally assure you, however, that when you do the right work on yourself, which is about claiming and healing your unhealed parts, that you will be grateful – incredibly grateful. Because you will know that your narcissistic abuse situation was in fact a co-created dance of divinity that allowed you finally to come home to yourself. You will also know that there are no victims and no villains, and that you soul is always creating perfectly the circumstances and situation necessary for you to heal and become aligned with Who You Really Are. There are NO mistakes… By accepting and knowing all of this you will be free to move forward and create… and you will 100% know… No-One Owes You Anything! It’s Not Their Job! You owe YOU everything, and when you get THAT Right, you will effortlessly attract those people that add more of the same, and no longer play, struggle and obsess with those that don’t and can’t.
Posted on: Tue, 21 Jan 2014 18:43:41 +0000
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