Whew! I suppose it wasnt by accident that I wrote what I did last Saturday...about CHOOSING to believe to continue living. This week has been one of those, fake it til you make it weeks. I have really missed my Tate this week and have been flooded with emotions. Mondays tend to be my hangover days. NOOOOO.....I dont really have a hangover, but my body and my soul physically and emotionally ache. Every Monday. I think I have it nailed to the fact that Sundays suck now in general ( the day we lost him) and usually we are surrounded by others on Sunday. Yes, we LOVE and feel privileged to have friends and family, but there are so many emotions that we feel on a daily basis...and having to make it through a normal day (or 2-3 days depending what we do on the weekends)...it can eventually take its toll on you. I was explaining to a now friend,who has endured our pain times 5... I was telling him I didnt understand why I felt like a train had hit me come early of the week. The wise man that he is told us that many apps on our phone burn energy (or our battery) and use up media even while we arent using them or see them in action. Its the same thing with grief. Every. Little. Thing. I. Do. Requires. Energy. Dont get me wrong, I am an active person and very energetic and I love being around people. However, something that I have had to realize is that if I dont take some time away...or if I dont get in my alone time with God...I can expect the elephant on my chest. I can expect the need to just lay on his grave side so I can let it all out. I can expect to cry when I pull up to his school and briefly remember the good ole days ( that I used to wonder how I would ever survive...geez luiz...if I knew then what I know now). Grief sucks. Some days are ok, others you are right back to where you were a few weeks ago. Some days you feel good about your progress, other days you wonder if you are sane b/c you still feel like its a bad dream. Some days I pray (like this week) Oh God, please dont let them ask me about my children! ( I am in workshops all week for work). Other days, I pray somebody asks me about my kids so I can tell them about Tate. Ugh. If only I could figure this whole grief business out. I cant. I admitted it-I cant. I CAN hold on to the things I KNOW. I can tell God that I trust Him ( this is not saying that I am ok with the situation...its just saying that I know He has the best intentions for me.) I know that He can turn anything into good. Anything. I also know, as said numerous times, I dont understand. I wont until I meet My Maker...and honestly....I wont care then. As I pry my two boys from my moms arms ( or maybe Jesus has one and she has the other...or maybe Tates in timeout sitting next to God...I mean, the possibilities are endless), I will have no questions. Just faith, hope and love. And queso. Maybe some ranch. And. No. More. Cellulite. Ohhhhh dear Jesus I am ready.
Posted on: Thu, 07 Aug 2014 02:40:54 +0000
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