With Mental Health Week coming to an end, I thought it fitting to share my experiences from the past few weeks. **Warning - long post , tune out now if your uninterested or sick of hearing about mental illness week** I find it hard to talk about and communicate what I feel and am going through, (sometimes I dont even understand it ) but I have received lots of messages from people thanking me for being so open as it helped them. I try and be open for those people out there struggling with things, who may not understand whats going on, or know someone dealing with similar issues. Before going through any of this I had no concept of mental illness, how it impacts the individual and their families, I have been lucky enough to have a supportive family, I can only imagine how hard it is for people without support networks... The past few weeks I hit the lowest I have been in a long while, I had good experience of ten weeks of group therapy, I had survived moving house and starting a new job at the same time, with techniques I learnt in therapy. My anxiety was no longer ruling me and I was medication free. Then my moods started cycling again, I become more irritable and introverted, my techniques and exercise were no longer helping, I hit rock bottom again, tears for no reason, I couldnt get out of bed , I didnt want to face the world any more and wanted it all to end. Adding to this I fear Im going to lose my new job. Who needs to out up with this from someone who is still in probation right? (I think Im ok there, we will see next week I guess). I was open about my illness from the beginning, as hard as that is, I knew the chances of this happening again were more than likely. In some respects I regret leaving my old job. It was an awesome place to work and the best people I have ever met. I was running away from what I thought was the cause, and the grass is always greener right. I have learnt this will always be with me regardless of my job and the biggest thing I have learnt is acceptance, its not easy but it helps. It helps to not continually fight with yourself and accept that you have to manage your health and accept things may not be the same as they used to be, accept that there may be extreme ups and downs, some days will be easier than others and thats ok. But sometimes accepting, therapy techniques and exercise isnt enough, as hard as I tried the past few weeks I have been trapped by that dark fog that I cant escape. Im now day four into trying yet another medication. Over the past three or so years I have been on at least 6 different types of medication and am classed as having medication resistant depression. I react badly to medication and believe meds have made me worse. Having said that they have probably saved my life a few times also. This was a big decision for me, I had vowed not to be medicated again, coming off my last medication needed in months of withdrawals, shingles and neuralgia. But now I have accepted I need what ever help I can get to get me functioning again. So far I have not reacted badly to the new meds. By day four Id normally be crawled up in a ball, sweat pouring from me, not sleeping and staring at the wall instead Im writing this post. So far its a good sign, it takes weeks for these meds to do their job, though this new one is meant to be fast acting and a little different to others. So far its helping me sleep, which is a good start! I may have bi polar 2 or depression or some other mood disorder, what ever its labeled I have a mental illness. Its hard to talk about, its harder to live with but it is what it is, and I choose not to fight it, but to accept it, try my best to manage it and try not to be so hard on myself. If you have read this far, hopefully I have helped you understand a little more, or helped you a little with your own battle, either way I dont expect anyone to post a reply. I just want everyone to know its ok not to be ok. And the biggest fight is acceptance.
Posted on: Sun, 12 Oct 2014 01:14:32 +0000
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