YOU’RE THAT BEAUTIFUL AND YOU’RE SINGLE?! “I can’t believe it! Really? I don’t believe you…” is what I said to this woman in her mid-30’s, to which she replied “Yep, is there anything wrong with that?!” Though I’m pretty sure she must have said in her mind “O shut up, don’t patronize me!” There’s a lot of them right now --- beautiful, successful, stable, accomplished but somewhere deep inside, there’s a longing. If you are anywhere in this description, this short article is for you so allow me to share why you’re still in the same status, based on a series of interactions with lady friends. 1. You’re too idealistic So you probably have a kilometric list of qualities that you’re looking for in a man --- tall, dark, handsome, needs to have a strong CAR-acter, great PESO-nality and a nice BANK-ground. Of course, not all ladies are materialistic (but then again a real woman needs to have one really nice branded bag in her lifetime!) but they do have a checklist of non-negotiable traits that sometimes is almost impossible to find all in a man. The moment a potential person walks in her life but misses out on at least one, they’re struck out. You cannot possibly expect the mold of a Richard Gere (in the movie Pretty Woman) to be readily available for all. That’s why it’s called a movie. These type of women live in world of fairytales. While it’s still possible to end up with a knight in shining armor, the reality is a man cannot score a perfect 100. So throw your list out of the window… 2. You’re unhealthy Sure you have a beautiful face, but what about a figure? Okay so you will react by saying “what about a beautiful heart, doesn’t that count?” Sure it does but understand that men are visual beings --- they are looking for a desirable wife. If you cannot take care of your body or your health, it only means you pay very little attention to yourself and it will boomerang on your “attractive-meter.” There are also many women who smoke (whether socially or habitually) without understanding its health repercussions. I once overheard a smart gentleman say “I can’t imagine myself kissing an ashtray or having a mother to my kids who will smell like Philip Morris.” Enough said. 3. You’re too intimidating It’s very possible that you have such a strong personality that people are terrified with you (i.e. Adolf Hitler-female version), which reminds many men about their militaristic grandmothers who raised them. You probably carry an aura of Miranda Priestley (Meryl Streep’s role in ‘The Devil Wears Prada’) and it makes men around you difficult to imagine you as a wife. So instead of attracting, women like this tend to repel because women are meant to be like silk --- smooth yet strong and not as difficult to manage as a carpet. I can’t blame you because you were raised in a tough environment, went through adversity and rejection in your younger years and probably got employed in a very driven organization. But in your real life, a man cannot envision himself saying “Heil Hitler!” to you or they’d end up saying, “Hay naku!” 4. You’re too busy with work Yes, you’re swamped with loads of work that it has camouflaged your beauty and has literally kept you out of the radar of men. Coffee invitation? No, I got a deadline. Don’t you want to unwind? Refer to the first answer. How about dinner with friends? I fly out of town this weekend for work. And Sundays? I prepare for Mondays. Argh! So how can men see your glorious smile when you’ve got your hair tied in a bum with a pencil for an accessory and your laptop glued to you? How can people see your wonderful personality when forever you’re too conscientious satisfying your company’s goals more than your personal aspirations? A great gift to give women workaholics? Iterax (40 mg). It’s a very safe anti-histamine so they can fall asleep for more than 12 hours! This way she becomes a “sleeping beauty” at least. But what wakes her up? Her cellphone again, with her boss on the other side of the line. Useless! 5. You’re the bread-winner Which leads us to an issue similar to #4. The booby trap of being a workaholic has some connection to being in a rat race too, this time, the pressure of being the CFO (chief financial officer) of your family. Most likely you’re the eldest or the lucky one with a great job, your entire family is latched on to you, you inherit bills that are not yours, you supply dad’s maintenance medicines, junior’s weekly baon and kuya’s monthly debts. So you’re kinda like a swan --- full of grace on the exterior with your nice suit and pumps, but you’re forever hot on the heels of looking for ways to expand your income, just to ensure that all needs are met. These are for the women who have sidelines, are forced into crazy entrepreneurial ventures and get home by 10 P.M. dead tired. Be careful. Time ticks and so does your life. You might be stunned to wake up one day single all your life (and aging fast) because years have passed and while its true you prioritized your family, you also have to look at your future as well. “But what if the guy can’t support me financially or I make more money than him,” you would say? Then in the first place, he’s not the man for you. Men are the bread-winners. 6. You’re wounded. Maybe it was a break-up with the person you thought would be “the one” (after being together for a couple of years). Perhaps you were betrayed when you discovered that your boyfriend or husband was actually a player or ‘unsure’ of himself (if you know what I mean). Or depressed when your status changed from “engaged,” to “disengaged” a few months later, because your fiancée had cold feet. Since then you developed a rash called ‘man-llergies’ and the ‘ampalaya’ syndrome (bitterness). Even the famous break up lines “It’s not you, it’s me,” or “I need some time off,” or “If it’s really meant to be you and me, then 10 years later we’ll see each other,” desensitizes you. These unfortunate series of events has made you so wounded that you cannot trust anyone, anymore. Yes, it takes time to heal, turn a page, move forward and you’re going to need wonderful girlfriends to encourage you. The danger is this --- a hurt person has a tendency to hurt others too. You might try out another relationship “on a rebound,” but your feelings are not really satiated because you’re not looking for love; you’re looking for revenge. Or it’s possible you lockout your heart for so long, your life is filled with anger and it shows in your monochromatic wardrobe. Please give Maleficent a phone call… 7. You’re a single…mom This is tough, playing dual roles to raise a child. In relation to #6, you must have been abandoned, cheated on, or it was your choice from the get-go. You have a new mindset --- “I dont need a man to make me happy. My kids make me happy, and that’s it!” Justifiably true. You cannot derive your entire happiness from a man. But let’s be honest --- what if your kids start asking questions because they see other couples when they pick up their report cards or watch plays? What happens when they go off to college? What if they get married and settle elsewhere? What if you own a big house? Is it enough to have a good steak and wine with an empty seat across you? I have a great amount of respect for single moms. What they do is so challenging especially when a jerk leaves them behind. However, they can make a choice to be joyfully single and learn from their mistakes. Or, if God wills, they can open their heart and fall in love with a man who is just as in love with her as he is with her kids. The greatest temptation however, is falling for a “quick fix” --- a guy who just wants to get in your pants, a guy who is unhappy with his wife and prefers to be with you, a guy who doesnt understand the sanctity of marriage and fight for it, a guy who behaves like one of your kids and has zero maturity to lead a family. Don’t aim for fake pearls. Look for someone who is worthy of your love and someone who’s willing to fight and be a committed family man. Never play with fire unless you want to get burned again. 8. You have a false sense of pride Lastly, the world has defined what the contemporary woman ought to be --- elitist, cosmopolitan, ultra-empowered, always on top, bulletproof and super successful. It’s as if Adam never existed. It all boils down to one thing: attention, you, self. To be attractive, you just have to be the alpha female, the multi-hyphenated woman but in reality, many of this type end up to be unhappy, unfulfilled and lonely. They arrive in a posh home, have a collection of stilettos and jewelry, but their lives feel like a garden without flowers. I think it’s nice to have some stuff in this life, but who you share it with, matters the most. There comes a point when self-sufficiency cannot fulfill the need for companionship, relationship and friendship. Truly, it’s lonely at the top. Real and lasting success is not measured by stuff; it’s revealed in the quality of relationships you have. These are what I call “living gems.” (read again: gems not germs…) If you are any of these, may it awaken you because personal discovery is the first step towards change. Yes, women are called to co-lead this world (and that’s another huge discussion), but God designed you to have a special place in our lives as a wife, mother, sister, homemaker, community developer and champion of parenting. May I encourage you then to be open to a few refinements: a. Trust God for the right man, not the perfect one: Daddy knows best b. Get fit! Focus on wellness though more than vanity c. Soften up a little bit: you can still be like a Ferrero chocolate – tough on the outside, creamy, soft and uber yummy on the inside d. Manage your career wisely and take care of your personal life --- please! e. Make good money, invest in revenue generating instruments and tell your family to take responsibility too f. Get healed --- time helps but ultimately, only GOD can heal you g. Don’t re-marry for the sake of comfort; re-marry because he is the right man (i.g. God-fearing) and if no one qualifies, embrace single-blessedness h. Stay humble, smile more often, be approachable and display your motherly instincts. In other words, CONDUCT yourself with grace. I share these thoughts with you because the question above I asked of a certain woman three years ago, actually became my wife. For 7 years she was the elusive target of many men yet she rejected all of them (not to stroke my ego ok?). She too had indications of a few of these items and came to a point when she literally gave up “aspiring” to be a wife. She never missed flowers or chocolates on Valentine’s, but she was tucked away in her bedroom watching TV, in tears. And her heart cry to God was this: “Lord, I will accept whatever you have for me even if I have to be single for life, but grant me the grace to embrace it.” A woman has an ocean of secrets in her heart, silent prayers that are hopefully answered by our Supreme God, and thankfully, graciously, amazingly --- our paths crossed and the rest is history. I was a man who was single too for 7 (long!) years and it was the same prayer I placed before the Author of love, who eventually wrote our love story. 1 Peter 3:1-4 says: “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the CONDUCT of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external --- the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear --- but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” Now you might say “But that’s for wives only?” Were you seriously thinking of just being a girlfriend all your life? A change in your status begins with a change in your heart.
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 04:25:22 +0000
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