You know, I was having a tough time last night. And, to be honest, still am this morning. I dont know. The dying or hurting children cases I have had to work or otherwise be involved in are just taking a mighty heavy toll on my mind and my heart. I often wish people could see, just for a minute, what we see. To hear the screams, the cries, to hear the mournful sound of a mothers breaking heart. To know where we have been. To understand the man/woman behind the badge is not just some bully or prick with a badge and gun. There are bad or worthless cops out there. We all know them. Nothing new there. However, I would respectfully submit there are far, far more good cops out there. There are those of us who work seven days and nights a week until the job is done. There are those of us who walk through the fire, under fire and never even give it a second thought. I may have fallen short in my lifetime. Many people have I let down over the years, including myself. Yet, when I have stopped and looked back at the path of life I have taken, I can not help but see all of the death and destruction around me. I can not help but remember the dying men, women and children I have literally held in my arms as they slipped away from this life into the arms of an Angel. Both a curse and a blessing for me. I feel like I have done what God wanted me to do. I was where He needed me to be, when He needed me to be there. To look a mother in the eyes like this photograph depicts is perhaps one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my lifetime. In this photograph I am telling this Mother on day five of the search for her child, Devon, we have not obtained any more leads or evidence. Within ours of this photograph being taken we would locate and recover little Devons body. I would later be kneeling down in front of her as she begged me to save her baby and tell her there was no saving him anymore, he was gone. The father, who I still remain in contact with, was equally destroyed by my message. I walk with much guilt in my life. Day to day, night to night I can still hear, smell and feel everything. My hands shake. My eyes water. My heart hurts. No one can or will ever convince me otherwise - we may be cops and we may be called upon to do the impossible which we do...yet, I and others like me know...we are human. We are not above anyone else. The badge we wear is a symbol of something far greater than what is standing behind it. For me, the single most difficult thing I have endured was delivering the flag of our great nation to the now widow of one of the Deputies I worked with, went to calls with, even fought criminals with. To deliver the flag, the message, the words....without fail, without tears, steady as a rock...with his children upon my right and my left...that was the hardest, the longest day for me. I will carry those moments with me for the rest of my life. I suppose we all carry burdens of one type or the other. We have have crosses to bear. However, the ones I carry I just can simply fix or take away. I am Duty and Oath bound to do what needs to be done and to carry on. I can not stop. I can not just turn away and do nothing. Just as equally, I can not forget. I can not, at times, close my eyes and simply not see what I have seen. I can not simply not hear or smell what I have heard and smelled. None of this makes me weak. Do not mistake my pain for a weakness. That would be a serious misunderstanding or underestimation on your part. I am who I am because I choose to be. I took and Oath and I meant it. I am not perfect, but I am who I am. I am just Rex. I am your best friend or your worst enemy. Take your pick. Either way I will carry on. I will move forward. I will do what needs to be done. Most importantly, I will continue to be where He needs me to be. Not where someone, anyone else thinks I need to be. Just whats on my heart this morning.....I may be heavy with it all, but I am still here and still moving. God gave me another day and for that I am eternally grateful.
Posted on: Fri, 24 Oct 2014 13:01:13 +0000
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