from my fan cj: Hey mc. I know you got a lot going on and may not have time to respond to this. But I always see the inspirational things you say to people when they turn to you for help and I could sure use a bit of that right now. I just feel so lost right now. So I just moved out to Maui about a year ago from my home of 14 years. Im only 28 so I spent half of my life in that place with those people. They are my family, you know? So being here in a new and very foreign place has been rather rough at times. Loneliness is no fun. A few months ago I met a girl, and Ill be damned mc if this wasnt the most beautiful woman Ive laid eyes on (and a huge nerd to boot) So I let my guard down and let her in. It was beautiful. Naps on the beach and late night cartoon sessions. And then one day things just changed. She just walked away for her ex. Now I feel more alone than ever and dont know what to do. Any advice sir? If you find time that is. Either way I would like to thank you again for all youve done for me. I cant tell you how many times listening to Distant lands has helped me. my response: hey cj ive been there. on both fronts. being some place new isnt easy. and even though maui might sound like a paradise to most of us, i know that even the nicest places can be hell on earth if there arent friends around to keep your spirits up. i have lots of friends that had to move out to LA and many of them called the experience isolating and soul crushing. im sure your feelings as of late are similar as its your first year. but the first year is the shitty part, it will get better soon. i lived in one place for all of my childhood and adolescence and when i picked up and moved to new york i went through intense feelings of loneliness and irrelevance. but one night everyone was having a snowball fight outside and i ran out there with a bunch of other people and before you know it i was friends with people and i was part of something. although to be honest those feelings of being an outsider stick with me no matter where i go. when i moved to philly after college i made friends but still felt weird, when i moved to atlanta i made friends but still felt weird. and sometimes the only place i feel normal is my home town and im there for only a few days a year and barely recognize the place. its weird how we can always feel displaced and adrift. now that im married i feel that less so. im alright as long as im with my wife and anywhere we go is home as long as were together. that probably doesnt help but know that the feelings you have will go away. you will find love and you feel at home somewhere sometime, it just may take a bit. my advice to you is to do like i did that night there was a snowball fight. just say yes and run out and take part in something. whether it be a club or a class. learn something new and bond with others while you overcome ignorance. when we start something new you have peers in not knowing what youre all studying or experiencing. you can bond over learning, you can make friends when you talk about how trying something new makes you feel. i recently starting taking improv classes again and made a small group of new friends that make being here not as bad as it was before. if you sit at home and watch cartoons and stay online you will remain lonely but if you try something new, maybe even volunteer, those feelings will subside. i promise. as for the girl. theres nothing i can think of that sucks worse than being friend zoned. sometimes we guys can be extremely delusional, putting all this effort and emotion into something that will never happen because we believe that eventually she will come around and feel the same. but the sooner you can be realistic, the sooner you can move away from hoping and wishing and move towards goals that are more grounded, the better you will feel. i happily stayed in the friend zone for over a year chasing one girl, thinking eventually she will realize that im her best bet, and she did eventually see it my way, but the relationship fizzled once we actually tried it. it was easier to pine and pray than to actually do the real nitty gritty work that relationships require. and often times girls will stick with what they know best, like an x, because taking a risk, making a gamble is just that. who knows how it will turn out? depending on something they are familiar with is a route ive seen many girls take and understandably so. like i said, find someone thats truly interested in you. you can tell if the tables are uneven, if someone likes someone more or less than the other. make sure youre on the same page, try to be reluctant about becoming obsessed or infatuated, until you know that you see eye to eye. because you will fall into the friend zone or you may have always been in the friend zone if youre not living in reality. be aware of whats really happening. live in the moment. theres fun to be had there. and one last thing, after everything that folks have been saying online after last weekends shooting remember to be a good friend to girls first and foremost. be a good person. that might lead to something, but let that something surprise both you and her. dont be a friend just as a means to an end. be a true friend. love will find you. dont worry. it finds us all if we let it, we just have to be patient. in the mean time treat others as you would like to be treated. dont make others feel creeped out or uncomfortable. thats not what being a man or a human being is all about. were here to help each other get through it. dont worry, that moment where youre on the same page will come but you have to be a good person first. a big part of that is paying attention and being realistic. a big part of that is not ignoring the girl that truly loves you because youre obsessed with a girl that never would. i know thats a lot to take in, but just take it slow, be active, be nice and friends and love will follow. good luck cj!
Posted on: Sun, 01 Jun 2014 03:27:54 +0000
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