hould be quick to listen, slow to Resolving conflict Matrimonial Every family has disagreements. The couple that never has conflict does not exist. Unfortunately, conflicts can lead to serious fights. A serious fight is one that disunites husband and wife, but never address the cause of the problem. As a result, couples accumulate bitterness, strife, uncontrolled anger, hatred, and often divorce. What is missing from many couples is the ability to discuss disagreements and resolve them. In fact, they lack the ability to discuss serious issues, get a plan to solve them, and then put that plan into action. I stress that this is a skill that many people just never learn, but that can be learned. The purpose of this study is to learn what the Bible says about how to solve conflict in marriage. We are concerned about conflicts in general, but especially with serious conflicts that destroy the relationship between husband and wife, and that can lead to divorce. Consider the following steps, which can help couples avoid or solve such serious problems. have faith Many couples have fought so long that altercation and lost hope that things will never improve. They resign themselves to continue ranting and hating the rest of their lives, or end the marriage by divorce. Couples need to believe that, by Gods power, they CAN solve your marriage if both parties really want to work on it. Philippians 4:13 - I can do everything through Him who strengthens me. If we trust ourselves, we fail. But we believe that Jesus will provide us the strength we need to please God. Careful thought will convince us that serious conflict in marriage is not Gods will for us. God created marriage for the good of man and woman. He never intended marriage to be a source of hatred and bitter resentment. Hatred, bitter quarrels and disunity in our homes mean that someone is disobeying God. The problem started because someone disobeyed God or the original problem led someone to commit other sinful acts. In both cases serious marital problems often involve sin. If so, then we can overcome the problems by the same methods that the Bible describes to overcome other sins! Recognize that sin is the root of the problem gives hope, because the Christian knows that God has the solution to sin However, marriage involves two people. The problem between two people can be completely removed only if both parties are willing to work on it. If only one person obeys God, the other person can keep the problem alive. However, if your spouse does not work to improve your marriage, this does not remove your responsibility for doing what you can. To please God, you have to follow their will, no matter what your spouse does. You have to believe that you can please God, no matter how others act. 1 John 5: 4 - If we are born of God, we overcome the world through faith. This includes overcoming inadequate family relationships, but we have to believe that this can be done by the power of God. If both parties have obligations to practice Gods plan, any couple can eliminate the sin of your wedding. And no matter if your spouse obey God or not, you can still please God if you follow the steps that we have already described. (1 Corinthians 10:13, 2 Corinthians 9: 8; Joshua 1: 5-9, Ephesians 3:20, 21) Pray for the strength that God gives Philippians 4: 6-7 - Do not be anxious, but by prayer and supplication take your requests to God. Christians should do this to all your problems, but especially for their marital problems. If we have adequate faith in the power of God, pray diligently for our marital problems. 1 John 5:14 - Trust that if we ask according to His will, He hears us (Matthew 6:13, 1 Peter 5: 7). When we have marital problems, especially those who are serious, we must believe that God will correspond to prayer. If both husband and wife are Christians, then they should spend more time together and individually, praying for Gods help in their problems. Remember, however, that God responds according to his will. If the spouse is not a Christian or is not faithful, then God will not force you to do right. It can, however, give you the opportunity to learn His will for your life. When your family is facing serious problems, as you pray together to God and trust in his power to respond to your requests? Respect the authority of the Bible Follow the Bible, instead of feelings, human wisdom, etc. Proverbs 3: 5-6 - Trust in the Lord and let Him guide your steps. Lean not on your own human knowledge. Very often, concerned couples seek guidance from sources outside the Bible. Some people follow psychologists, marriage counselors, etc. Others are guided by feelings. People divorce saying, I do not feel anything for her (or him). But no amount of feelings can change what Gods word says. 2 Timothy 3: 16-17 - The Scriptures come for all good works. Resolve marital conflict is a good work, then the Bible tell us how to do this. Other people can help, but must reject any ideas that do not agree with the Bible. Most of us accept this view of authority with regard to salvation, worship, church organization, etc. Whats different about our homes? (2 Peter 1: 3; Jeremiah 10:23, Proverbs 14:12, etc.) Study what the Bible says about your problem Psalm 1: 2 - The righteous man delights in Gods law and meditates on it day and night. If we really believe the Bible has the answers, we have to study what she says. This is what we would do on any other spiritual problems. Why do otherwise with respect to family problems. Acts 17:11 - The Bereans believers learned the truth by examining the Scriptures day and night. We need to do the same for our family problems. Be willing to obey the Bible Matthew 7: 24-27 - A prudent man not only hears what Gods word says, but it also makes. The fool hears but does not obey. If we believe that Gods Word holds the answers to our marital problems, we must be determined to do what she says, not only to learn what she says. Respect the authority of the Bible as the standard in the home Ephesians 5: 22-24 - The wife must submit to her husband as to the Lord. 1 Peter 3: 1 - She needs to obey her husband even if he is not serving God. A wife may think she can disobey her husband if he commits sin, but God says it must still obey. She can only disobey if your spouse ask her to commit sin (Acts 5:29). We will see that the husband also has indications given by God to follow when it makes decisions. Often the conflict begins or remains unresolved because the spouse disobeys the teachings of the Bible about how to make decisions or because the wife disobeys Bible teachings about submission. Resolving conflict requires decisions to be made. God provided a way to make those decisions. Spouses need prudence to make decisions according to Gods directions, and need the courage to take up the hard decisions. So need strength to see that these decisions take effect. And wives need strength and humility to accept these decisions. (Titus 2: 5, Colossians 3:18, etc.) Act with love Husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5: 25,28,29). Wives should love their husbands (Titus 2: 4). Love is the concern for the welfare of others. Ephesians 5: 25,28,29 - Jesus love for the church illustrates the love that spouses should have for their wives. He loved us so much that He gave his life so we could be saved. So the husband should be concerned with the welfare of his wife. He must nurture it and treat it with care. He should not use his authority only to please yourself, but to do what is best for her and the family. 1 Corinthians 13: 5 - Love is not selfish. Romans 13:10 - Love does not work no harm to its neighbor. While one or both spouses selfishly insist on its own way, differences will not be resolved. Serious problems can be solved only when we seek the welfare of others beyond our own. Love is a decision of the will Ephesians 5: 25,28 - Love can be ruled because it is a matter of will. We can choose to love or not, so how can we decide whether or not to obey any other command. Some think that love just happens, and can not be mastered: you fall in love or stop loving. Thus, if a couple simply do not love one another more, nothing can be done unless you get a divorce. But when we realize that we can choose to love, we also realize that we can put love in a marriage. And if we fail to put it, sin. Even as Christ love the church began when we were sinners who were not acting lovingly towards him, so is the first responsibility of the bridegroom start the love. The commandment is pointed at the man. He must love his wife first and put love in the relationship, first as Christ loved the church. Romans 5: 6-8 - Christ loved us while we were yet sinners, not because we were so kind that he could not contain. He decided to do what needed to be done. Luke 6: 27-28 - We are commanded to love our enemies. Loving the enemy himself is more or less what it would cost to put in some love weddings! But love enemies, not because uncontrollably fell in love, but because we decided to do what is best for them. The statement I just do not / love you more is a confession of sin! You need to repent of it and correct it as an act of will! When serious disagreements accumulate in marriage and are not resolved, one or both spouses are not deciding to show love. Love must be expressed in action Love should be expressed by what we say Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands should love as Christ loved the church. But Christ affirms his love for the church (Ephesians 5: 2, John 3:16). Thus, spouses should express love for each other in words. This does not require a feeling overwhelmingly romantic, gushing and can not fail to be expressed. We are discussing the love of the will by decision. We can and must affirm the decision of our will, I want you to know that I still love, Im committed to this marriage and their welfare. Love should be expressed by what we do 1 John 5: 2,3 - Love for others requires that we love God and keep his commandments. Keep the commandments of God is to love God. 1 John 3:18 - We must not love only in word, but in deed and in truth. This is a vital principle in every home. We should say nice things, but that alone is not enough. We must act in love. (Luke 10: 25-37; 6:27, 28). Love demands giving and dedication. Give yourself is the essence of love. John 3:16 - God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son. Ephesians 5:25 - Jesus loved the church and gave Himself for it. 1 John 3: 14-18 - If we see our brother in need and do not give you what you need, we have love. Romans 12:20 - Love your enemy requires to eat and drink when needed. A basic requirement is to resolve family disagreements willingness to give ourselves for the good of others. It is typical. The spouse refuses to change because it is contradicted by something that the other did. If we see the situation honestly and objectively (as if it were someone elses problem), would admit that we would do differently. But we refuse to change because of some habit or trait that we dislike in our spouse. The fundamental lesson of Christs love is that we should give up our own desires for the good of others, even when they are not acting the way you think they should. Do not say, Ill change if he or she also change. If an action is good for others, do it, no matter what they are doing. If we have been wrong, admit it, no matter if they admitted their mistakes. Even if we are convinced that we are not the root of a problem, we must honestly ask ourselves what we can do to improve it. This does not mean ignore sin. Jesus did not cause our sin problem and did not compromise with sin, but he sacrificed himself to provide a solution to the problem of sin. He was not only sent to criticize us for our sin, but became involved to provide a solution. He did not do anything for us, but made sure we had a way by which we can overcome our problem. A spouse often criticize: It is his fault (or her), then he (or she) decides. Even if this is true, help? Instead, think, What can I offer to do - how can I get involved? - To help solve this problem Instead of saying, Why do not you do it? say Why do not we work together on this? While no husband take the first step to give up what you want, the fallout continues. When someone wants consent for the good of the group, a match was given to solve the problem. When both want consent for the good of the group, a solution will definitely be found. The husband has the final word, but you can not just do whatever he wants. He has to put aside their own desires and do what is best for the group. The wife can not insist on what she wants, but must consent and submit to the decisions of the husband. (1 John 4: 9, 19, Acts 20:35, Luke 10: 25-37) Hold and express commitment to marriage Express appreciation and praise for what is good Philippians 4: 6-7 - Be known unto God their petitions, with thanksgiving. Even when we are preoccupied with our problems, we must remember to be thankful for our blessings. Often, in times of disagreements, we were so aghast with our spouse, we fail to express appreciation for the good qualities he has. This tends to disproportionately increase the problem. Spouses should express appreciation for their wives Genesis 18:22 - It was not good for man to be alone, so God made woman to be a companion for him. The woman who plays the role God has given you is good for the spouse. She was created by God for that very purpose. Proverbs 18:22 - He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from God. Therefore, spouses say that. Proverbs 12: 4 - A worthy woman is the crown of her husband. If so, then the spouse express your appreciation for it (Proverbs 19:14, 31:10). 1 Peter 3: 7 - The husband should honor his wife. However, many spouses criticize more than honor. How often do you deliberately say or do something with the intention of honoring his wife? It should be considered honored simply because its been a few minutes since the last time you insulted? Proverbs 31: 28-31 - A woman worthy to be praised by your spouse. You praise your wife when she prepares a meal, clean the house, take care of their children, or fulfill her responsibilities as a Christian? Or do you just criticize, when you think she misses? A spouse often has a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment for their work. He receives regular payments and occasional promotions. But the wife works day after day at home with family. If the spouse does not express appreciation, the wife still find a sense of accomplishment seeing your children develop, and to know that above all, God is enjoying. But it will have a much greater sense of security and is essential if your spouse tells you that enjoys what she does. God tells us to praise our wives when they do well. If we do, she will find it easier to fulfill its role as a submissive housewife. Wives should express appreciation for their husbands Romans 13: 7 - All Christians should honor to whom honor is due. This is a general principle. He will teach spouses to honor their wives, but also teach wives to honor their husbands. Ephesians 5:33 - For the husband is head of the wife (verses 22-24) she should respect him (revere him). Certainly, this includes expressing appreciation for it. Ladies, if your husband works every day in his job to support you and the family, how often do you tell him you appreciate? Or you take his paycheck and spend it without a word of thanks? When he makes a home for the legwork for you, or spend part of their time with their children, or fulfills its role as a Christian man, you tell him you appreciate? Probably the greatest need that the wife has is a sense of security knowing that they are loved and indispensable. Probably the greatest need that man has is a sense of personal value to know who is respected and admired. Both of these needs are met if husband and wife express appreciation for one another. If you are angry and upset with your spouse, do these two things: 1 Make an honest list of every good quality he has and every good work he does. Make it as complete as you can. 2 Then, every day, take a firm disposition to express love to his partner. Find something special and he did express appreciation for it. This will help greatly when it comes time to discuss their problems, and also will make your problems seem much less serious. Discuss the problem Be willing to talk. Sometimes a spouse is so angry that he refuses to talk. Some men think they have the right to take decision without discussion. The husband should be willing to consider the views of his wife. Ephesians 5: 25-33 - The husband is head as Jesus is head of the church. But God hears our requests in prayer (Philippians 4: 6). Ephesians 5: 28-29 - The husband should love his wife as he loves his own body, but the body communicates its needs to the head that she will make decisions according to what is best. James 1:19 - Every man sspeak and slow to become angry. 1 Peter 3: 7 - The husband must treat his wife with understanding. But since men are not thoughts readers, this requires listening to the points of view of it (see Matthew 7:12). If sin is involved, both parties have to discuss Luke 17: 3-4 - One who believes that the other has sinned, should scold him. This certainly applies in the home as anywhere (Leviticus 19:17, 18, Matthew 18:15, Proverbs 27: 5, 6). Matthew 5: 23-24 - He who is accused of sin must be willing to talk to seek reconciliation. Again, this certainly applies to the home. Note that the person believed to have been outraged and the person who is accused of doing evil are both obliged to discuss the matter. If the conflict should be resolved at home, he needs to start the discussion. Shut up is not an option. Note, however, that the proper time is also important to discuss. Arguing in front of children or when youre extremely angry can not be good. If so, do not shut up only. Instead, agree to discuss the matter later, and hit one hours when you discuss. Make a date and stick to it! (Matthew 18: 15-17, Proverbs 10:17, Galatians 6: 1, Proverbs 13:18, 15:31, 32, 29: 1; 25:12, 9: 8, 12: 1). Speak to solve the problem, not to hurt each other Matthew 5:24 - The goal is reconciled, not hurt people. Often we are wanting to talk, but only for the purpose of imposing our will. We try to get a win, prove the other person wrong, etc. The purpose should be to find a solution in Scripture (Leviticus 19:18). Romans 12: 17.19-21 - Do not repay evil with evil, neither seek revenge, but repay evil with good. Sometimes a couple starts trying to solve a problem, but one insults the other, then the other replies with another insult. Soon the goal becomes more see who can hurt the other person. Many discussions are ultimately fights, because we let the problem becomes an opportunity to attack each other. Discuss the problem to resolve it, not to hurt the feelings of each other. When submitting a problem, enter it objectively and keep the focus on the specific problem. Honey, there is a problem about which we need to talk ... Do not enlarge the problem to attack the character of another person. Avoid saying You really are selfish, this is it, or Why can not you be like the wife of John Doe? Hear the view of your spouse A discussion requires both listen and speak. In practice, however, many spouses just want to express their own views. James 1:19 - Every man should be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. Do not enter into the discussion thinking that the other person does not have valid reasons for your point of view. We must be quick in wanting to hear, and slow to present our views, especially when we are angry. Tip: Start the discussion inviting your spouse to explain their point of view. Do not start attacking the position you think he keeps and defending their own point of view. Start asking questions honestly intended to help you understand what he thinks. Could you explain to me why you did it, that way ...? You did not think to do so? It may be that he considered his idea and has some valid reasons for preferring another approach. Do not dominate the discussion. Let the other person express their views. You appreciate when others only attack their views, but they refuse to hear what you have to say? Love your neighbor as yourself, and treat him as you would like to be treated (Matthew 7:12). Honestly examine the evidence John 7:24 - Judge not according to appearance, but righteous judgment. Try honestly to know the facts; maybe the other person has not done what you think she did. Ask for reasons why the other person maintains his view. Maybe she has reason you have not considered. Only then present evidence for your point of view. Do not make accusations and attacks. Do not jump to conclusions or point reasons. If you do not have proof, ask questions. Do not make accusations unless you have proof. Recognizes the obligation to prove what you say or do not say so! Matthew 18:16 - the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. (Acts 00:13). Do not consider your spouse guilty of sloppy while the evidence is not clear. Do not condemn the basis of opinion or inconsistent appearances, because you will not want to condemn him on that basis. John 12:48; 2 Timothy 3: 16-17 - The Scriptures must guide us in matters of right and wrong. They judge us on the last day. If there are biblical principles relating to the subject, the spouses must study them together. Honestly examine their own conduct, motives, etc. Honestly consider the possibility that you are wrong, or that you can at least have contributed to the problem. Do not find fault only in your spouse. Maybe you can improve. Genesis 3: 12-13 - When the first couple sinned, God confronted them. The man blamed the woman and the woman blamed the serpent. All screwed up, but none of them wanted to admit his mistake. This is typical. Even when we are guilty, we want others to bear with or share the blame. Look what he or she did! Proverbs 28:13 - He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy. If a family has serious problems, almost invariably there is sin, but the culprit, or culprits, blaming others, try to justify, etc. (2 Corinthians 13: 5). Pride prevents recognize and admit our fault. Most people, when studying a topic like this, can think of lots of points that apply to their spouses, what about you? Honesty and humility lead us to seek the truth and to admit any mistakes we have made. And remember, even if we are not convinced have caused a problem, love makes us want to get involved and help us solve it. (1 Thessalonians 5:21, Psalm 32: 3, 5, Galatians 6: 1). Be patient and tame your temper 1 Corinthians 13: 4 - Love is patient. We easily irritated when an issue is not resolved quickly. Solve some problems can take a long time, gradually improving. Do not give up. Do not expect your spouse to change from night to day. Give him time (Romans 2: 7, Galatians 6: 7-9, 2 Thessalonians 3: 5). Proverbs 18:13 - Reply to a matter before we have heard completely is foolish. Sometimes we are ready to judge a matter before we have meditated on it from beginning to end. Do not make hasty decisions. Do not think you can reach a final decision the first time that a subject appears. Take the time you and your spouse to think of what was discussed. If your initial discussion does not lead to a solution, ask for time to think about it. Promise discuss it again later. It is most likely that you reach a rational conclusion, and your spouse know that you took it seriously. Proverbs 15: 1 - A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Do not let your temper makes you lose your objectivity and refer to hurt the other person. Anger is not necessarily sinful, but can be mastered, so as not to lead us to sin (Ephesians 4:26; James 1: 19-20). Reconcile The goal is not talking nonstop, or simply to vent frustrations, but to solve the problem. You should seek and determine a plan of action by which the problem ceases to alienate him. Transija and tolerate differences in point of view, if possible 1 Corinthians 13: 4 - Love is patient, is kind. Love is not selfish. Each couple will find in each other, features youd like to change but can not. Sin must not be tolerated, but if there is no sin and the person just does things we do not like, love does not push any personal desires to the point of alienation. Learn to tolerate these issues without bitterness. Romans 14 - Even some spiritual decisions are a matter of opinion, not of sin. If you can not prove that their spouse committed sin, do not conclude that he is guilty. James 3: 14-18; Matthew 5: 9; Romans 12: 17-21; 1 Peter 3:11 - sincerely Look for a peaceful solution to the problem. We want the conflict to end, even if we give up our own desires to achieve it. In some subjects, there can be understanding to give and receive. Since no biblical conviction is violated, look for a compromise: I agree on this, do you agree on that. Or, This time well do it your way, next time well do it my way. Remember to consider ways you can get involved and help your spouse do better a job instead of sitting around and criticizing. Perhaps, on some subject, finish each following a separate path and doing separate (Acts 15: 36-40) things. However, if one spouse is guilty of sin, then it takes another approach be made. Repent of sin 2 Corinthians 7:10; Acts 8:22 - If one or both spouses are sin, the Bible says to repent and pray for forgiveness. Why the sins in the family should be different? Repentance is a decision and commitment to change. We recognize that we have been wrong and agree to do what is right. If sin is the cause of our problems, never will correct our wedding while we do not repent (Luke 13: 3, Acts 17:30, 2 Peter 3: 9). Ask forgiveness for sin (confess it) Luke 17: 3-4 - If we have sinned, we have to say I repent. Sometimes we realize that we were wrong, but do not want to admit it. Until we do that, those who harmed may not know that we regret. Matthew 5: 23-24 - When someone harmed, we need to look it up and correct, or God will accept our worship. Have you noticed the offenses he has done to his family? James 5:16 - We must confess our sins to one another. Sometimes, people who have to apologize are those more intimate. We think that if we admit error, they will lose respect for us. This is simply pride. but love is not vain (1 Corinthians 13: 4). Proverbs 28:13 - He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Be precise. Do not minimize, do not make excuses, do not escape the blame nor reproach. Do not say, I was wrong, but look what you did! Even if you are convinced that your spouse is also wrong, honestly admit their own mistake and correct it first. Do not try to save face. Does not require the other to forgive or tell you how to treat you. Just humble yourself and apologize. Later, maybe another time, discuss the mistakes that you believe he needs to fix. Pray for forgiveness Acts 8:22 - Peter said to Simon [the magician] to repent and pray for forgiveness. If we sin, we must confess, not only to our spouse, but also to God. 1 John 1: 9 - He is faithful and just to forgive us if we confess our sins. When you have sin, you confess humbly to God and to your spouse? (Matthew 6:12, Psalm 32: 5). Forgive one another Luke 17: 3-4 - When someone has sinned against us and confesses, we have to forgive, even seven times a day if necessary
Posted on: Mon, 15 Sep 2014 22:44:31 +0000
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