DEFINITION OF OLD: #1 I VERY QUIETLY CONFIDED TO MY BEST FRIEND THAT I WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR,SHE TURNED AND ASKED ARE YOU HAVING IT CATERED?AND THAT MY FRIEND IS THE SAD DEFINITION OF OLD #2 JUST BEFORE THE FUNERAL SERVICES,THE UNDERTAKER CAME UP TO THE VERY ELDERLY WIDOW AND ASKED HOW OLD WAS YOUR HUSBAND? 98 SHE REPLIED:TWO YEARS OLDER THAN ME.SO YOUR 96 THE UNDERTAKER COMMENTED? SHE RESPONDED,HARDLY WORTH GOING HOME,IS IT? #3 REPORTERS INTERVIEWING A 104 YEAR OLD WOMAN:AND WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING 104? THE REPORTER ASKED.SHE SIMPLY REPLIED,NO PEER PRESSURE #4 IVE SURE GOTTEN OLD! I HAVE OUTLIVED MY FEET & TEETH. IVE HAD TWO BYPASS SURGERIES,A HIP REPLACEMENT, NEW KNEES, FOUGHT PROSTATE CANCER, AND DIABETES.IM HALF BLIND CANT HEAR ANYTHING QUIETER THAN A JET ENGINE.TAKE 40 DIFFERENT MEDICATIONS THAT MAKE ME DIZZY,WINDED,AND SUBJECT TO BLACKOUTS.HAVE BOUTS WITH DEMENTIA HAVE POOR CIRCULATION HARDLY FEEL MY HANDS & FEET ANYMORE.CANT REMEMBER IF IM 85 OR 92.HAVE LOST ALL MY FRIENDS, BUT THANK GOD I STILL HAVE MY DRIVERS LICENSE #5 I FEEL LIKE MY BODY HAS GOTTEN TOTALLY OUT OF SHAPE,SO I GOT MY DOCTORS PERMISSION TO JOIN A FITNESS CLUB AND START EXERCISING.I DECIDED TO TAKE AN AEROBICS CLASS FOR SENIORS.I BENT,TWISTED,GYRATED,JUMPED UP AND DOWN AND PERSPIRED FOR AN HOUR...BUT BY THE TIME I GOT MY LEOTARDS ON THE CLASS WAS OVER. #6 AN ELDERLY WOMAN DECIDED TO PREPARE HER WILL AND TOLD HER PREACHER SHE HAD TWO FINAL REQUESTS.FIRST SHE WANTED TO BE CREMATED,AND SECOND SHE WANTED HER ASHES SCATTERED OVER WAL-MART. WAL-MART? THE PREACHER EXCLAIMED.WHY WAL-MART? THEN I WILL BE SURE MY DAUGHTERS VISIT ME TWICE A WEEK. #7 MY MEMORY IS NOT AS SHARP AS IT USED TO BE.ALSO MY MEMORY IS NOT AS SHARP AS IT USED TO BE. #8 KNOW HOW TO PREVENT SAGGING ? JUST EAT TILL THE WRINKLES FILL OUT. #9 ITS SCARY WHEN YOU START MAKING THE SAME NOISES AS YOUR COFFEE MAKER. #10 THESE DAYS ABOUT HALF THE STUFF IN MY SHOPPING CART SAYS FOR FAST RELIEF. #11 THE SENILITY PRAYER:GRANT ME THE SENILITY TO FORGET THE PEOPLE I NEVER LIKED ANYWAY,THE GOOD FORTUNE TO RUN INTO THE ONES I DO,AND THE EYESIGHT TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE :) OX
Posted on: Thu, 13 Nov 2014 17:19:37 +0000
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