FOUR REASONS SPOUSES BECOME DESTRUCTIVE Jimmy Evans Many marriages struggle when one or both spouses start to show destructive behavior. This happened with Karen and me. We got married at 19 years old. Neither of us had a clue about marriage. We blamed each other for what was wrong with our marriage. But blaming doesnt help in a destructive marriage. The only way to fix it is by recognizing the behavior and correcting it. There are four basic reasons people become destructive. THE FIRST IS IGNORANCE. Some people just dont know any better. This was the case with us. We didnt know how to succeed in relationships. When you grow up in a broken home, you dont have a successful marriage to learn from. Your only models are failed marriages and unhealthy relationships. Weve never met any couple who got married in hopes of getting divorced. Thats crazy. But so few people have the resources to succeed. Thats why our ministry works so hard to teach people about marriage. We want to provide them the tools to move past their ignorance. DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR ALSO COMES FROM PAST HURTS. All of us have pain in our past. Maybe its a self-esteem issue or unforgiveness. These unhealed hurts impact how we relate to others and can damage a marriage. We have to deal with this pain by being honest. We must admit it by saying to our spouse, Im hurting. Left in the darkness, shame and pain can be a breeding ground for the devil. We have to expose them to the light of Gods healing and then take responsibility for our actions. We must forgive those who have hurt us. BAD FRIENDS AND NEGATIVE INFLUENCES ALSO CAUSE DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR. 1 Corinthians 15:33 says, Evil company corrupts good habits. If you spend time with people who lie to their spouses, cheat on their marriage, and consider divorce an option…then you will do the same things. Your friends predict your future . Attending church is one of the best ways to avoid this pack mentality. No one is perfect in church, but its a place where all of us admit we have issues and have decided to let Jesus handle them. At church, I can surround myself with a group of friends who want me to do the right thing. FINALLY, DEFENSIVENESS CAUSES DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR. The marriage researcher John Gottman has learned to predict divorce accurately based on certain characteristics. One of those traits is defensiveness—not allowing a spouse the right to complain. When someone is trying to tell you something about yourself, defensiveness slams the door shut by saying, Youre the problem, not me. Emotionally healthy spouses can be told anything. Functional families can say anything to each other. Defensiveness destroys this kind of intimacy and good will. What about your marriage? Examine your relationship for these destructive behaviors. If you recognize ignorance, past hurts, negative friends, or defensiveness, take responsibility for it. Give it to God. Ask Him to help you change that behavior. The result will be a much healthier marriage.
Posted on: Tue, 27 Jan 2015 11:49:17 +0000
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