Forgiveness Choosing to Overcome Your Desire for Revenge Will the hurt ever end, can the pain ever stop? Perhaps authentic forgiveness can help you move beyond hate and the desire for revenge. Definitions The decision not to seek punishment for those who have harmed you. A decision to release yourself from anger, resentment, hate, or the urge for revenge despite the injury you suffered. To let go of hope of a different past. A change of heart; ceasing to hate. Responding to unjust hurt with compassion, benevolence, and empathy. Moving beyond bitterness. Cancelling a debt. Choosing not to act on vindictive passions. Discharging—removing the obligation for—a debt owed to you. Ending estrangement and letting go of resentment and the urge for revenge. Surrendering feelings of animosity and hatred when others harm us Peace and understanding that come from blaming less that which has hurt you, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story Related Terms Amnesty—a general pardon for past offenses—is a variant of forgiveness that may focus more on the needs of the offender than of the aggrieved. The Vindictive Passions Vindictive passion—intense feelings of resentment, anger, hatred, and the desire for revenge against those who wrong us—are an integral part of human nature. They originate from the need for self-defense, for preserving our self-respect, and for maintaining moral order—our clear understanding of acceptable and unacceptable ways to treat humans. These passions are real, natural, genuine, legitimate, useful, and valid emotions. The goal of vengeance is to quench these vindictive passions. While a moderate and proportional response to your injury can be appropriate, submitting totally to these passions is often very dangerous, especially when they are used as an excuse to justify destructive, sadistic, cruel, excessive, or violent behavior. We control our actions. We are responsible for the choices we make. We can choose not to submit to these passions. We can exercise self control, allow the passions to dissipate, and choose to forgive. Vindictive passions may have every right to being the first word, but they dont have to be the last word. The Paradox of Forgiveness I know they are wrong. If I forgive them, how will they ever learn and change? I will never forgive them. I cant possibly let them get away with it. If I forgive them they will have won. I can never condone what they did; it is unforgivable. Despite these common objections, the truth is that forgiveness is an act of courage and not an act of weakness. Forgiveness is correlated with better physical health, reduced anxiety, reduced anger, and increased self-esteem. Forgiving may elicit a sincere apology which can provide additional comfort. As we reach out to the ones who hurt us, we are the ones who heal. Forgiveness restores the congruence between what you desire and what is possible and constructive. Forgiving is not Condoning To condone an offense is to overlook or disregard a harmful action without protesting or expressing disapproval. Abuse can never be condoned, it needs to be prevented and stopped. But forgiveness is not about overlooking, endorsing, or excusing an offense. It is not about accepting the unacceptable. Forgiveness is about releasing yourself from destructive emotions and a hurtful past. It is not about the offender, it is about yourself. You can forgive the abuser without condoning the abuse. The past does matter and it may make sense never to forget an outrage. Remembering may not be easy, but forgetting may be impossible. Forgiveness is not: Letting wrongdoers off the hook, Failing to hold people accountable for their actions, Forgetting, denying, ignoring, or overlooking the wrongs that have occurred, Repressing genuine feelings of hurt, anger, or hate. Condoning, excusing, or justifying bad behavior, unkindness, or abuse or becoming complicit in continuing it, Denying, minimizing, or excusing your hurt or your feelings, Condemning the offender, demonstrating they deserve to know they are wrong, or that you are morally superior. Contingent on seeking justice or compensation. It is not a bi-lateral transaction; it is a unilateral act of generosity. Placation or simply calming down. While equanimity is valuable, forgiveness requires more than a superficial tranquility. Insincere, thoughtless, casual, often easy, or a sign of weakness. Equivalent to trust. Forgiveness can be given, but trust must be earned. Contingent on religious beliefs. Repentance Repentance is: a remorseful acceptance of responsibility for your wrongful and harmful actions, along with a repudiation (disowning, renunciation) of your character traits that led to the wrongdoing, along with the resolve to eliminate the renounced character traits, and the resolve to make reparations—compensation to the victim—for the harm you have caused the victim and to make them whole again. Repentant people feel guilty and may seek out their own punishment. They become recommitted to community values. Sincere repentance cannot be coerced, it has to be given voluntarily. It is often reasonable to make forgiveness contingent on some change or transformation in the wrongdoer. Sincere repentance of the wrongdoer makes forgiveness easier, but it is not an essential prerequisite to forgiveness. The choice is yours. Power Reversal and Transformation Victims often have a goal to regain their power; to reverse roles, feel less like a victim, and to exercise power over the wrongdoer. This is often the goal of revenge. Being a victim is an insult, the wrongdoer sends the message that he is powerful and you are not. Transforming yourself from the powerless victim to the one with power may require you to see a transformation in the wrongdoer. This transformation may be expressed as their repentance, or apology. In any case, since it is your choice if and when to forgive, you have the power. Forgiveness and Punishment Forgiveness is entirely consistent with the continued demand for punishing the wrongdoer. The purpose of forgiveness is to release the victim (yourself) from the vindictive passions. The purpose of punishment is to prevent future harm by preventing the recurrence of injuries. Visiting the wrongdoer in jail to express your forgiveness, while insisting he serve out his full sentence, is consistent with both of these goals. Forgiveness does not forbid punishment, what it forbids is punishment out of hatred. Christ himself, known as a champion of forgiveness, is said to have driven the money changers from the temple. Who can forgive Only the actual victim of a wrong has the standing to forgive the wrongdoer. Person “A” cannot forgive someone who wronged person “B”. You can forgive yourself, end your shame and respect yourself. One step at at time Authentic forgiveness is a process that requires particular understanding and analysis to be effective. It may require a long period of time for you to be prepared to sincerely forgive. Authentic forgiveness is often difficult to accomplish. The process must begin with an acknowledgement and careful analysis of your hurt, anger, or hatred. What happened; what are the facts of the event? What do you perceive as the injustice? How do you apportion responsibly for the injustice? What was your role? What role did others play? Why did they act as they did? Can you understand their point of view? The next step is for you to make a decision and to choose to forgive. A key step is your decision to put aside any claim to revenge, regardless of how justified or subtle it may be. Until you are able to totally let go of your thoughts, feelings, or intentions for revenge, you are not yet ready to forgive. You may need more time, more information, more dialogue, or you may need to consider the offenders perspective from a more compassionate point of view. To be ready to forgive you must decide to bear (dissipate, dissolve, endure, overlook, tolerate, absorb, let go of) your own pain rather than pass it on. The next step is to tell them you forgive them. This is done fully and unconditionally, without any requirement for an apology, acknowledgement, remorse, repentance, or reparations. If you still hate, then you have not yet forgiven. When you are beginning to wish the person well, you have accomplished genuine forgiveness. Are you able to feel goodwill and express kindness toward the person? Reconciliation is a Step Further Forgiveness is a change within yourself. Reconciliation requires a change within someone else. Forgiving is a unilateral step toward reconciliation, but reconciliation must be bilateral and reciprocal. Reconciliation requires that both sides agree on the facts, the hurt, the motivation, and that each can understand the others point of view. It requires each to understand a consistent or compatible account of what happened, why it happened, and the consequences of what happened. Reconciliation requires fact finding, discovering the truth, dialogue, empathy, fully telling your story, agreeing on the truth, acknowledging the pain, acknowledging responsibility, establishing trust, equalizing or reversal of power and stature, remorse, apology, and forgiving for a meaningful transformation to take place. Reconciliation may also require reparations—payments intended to compensate a victim for a loss. The goals of reconciliation are to prevent repetition of the harmful behavior and ensure healing and healthy co-existence. Genuine reconciliation leads to helping each other.
Posted on: Mon, 26 Jan 2015 00:52:57 +0000
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