Good morning all! Its Christmas card day. I have to find my address box and take some time to sit and enjoy the tradition. There will be a picture of our family, but the developer cut Bride off the bottom, so you can barely see my baby girl. I was disappointed. Boy is it warm in here. We still didnt pick up Lokis bag mess, he keeps playing with them and when we do try to pick them up he takes them right back. So for now its a bag blizzard in my house. Again, I am very glad OCD is not one of my disorders. I mind dirt, but not this kind of mess. This isnt muddy foot prints everywhere, or filthy dishes, its just ripped up bags all over the place. Free toys for Loki is a good thing. Hes slowly becoming a little watch dog, Im proud of him. He doesnt kennel in the morning, he watches the house. He is the only one who kennels in the afternoon. Hes very good by himself, but when he is with the others, hes a terror! He teases the daylights out of Cayenne and Zeus and he gets them into a free for all. I dont want him eating something I cant save him from as well. He likes to go after firewood and I had to dig a big chunk out of his mouth the other day. They are so much like kids that way, everything goes right into the mouth. Right now hes just trotting around barking at the others trying to get them wound up. Thats just the way he operates. Sometimes I wish I could just do an audio of my household in action. I can deal with it until Ken comes home. Then it gets worse and the TV has to be turned up. Between Kens noise and then their noise I can get a little cranky sometimes. I do not ignore Ken unless hes babbling, and sometimes he can really go on and on. I tend to lose focus. The dogs I can tune out and its like nothing is going on. But I try to pay attention to my Kenster. And then his ADHD kicks into overdrive and he just goes on and on and most of the time its unfollowable. Sometimes its just stuff and nonsense, and if I followed for too long Id have to be not so nice and tell him to stop babbling. Most of the time I do just tune it out. I love him dearly, do not get me wrong. If hes saying something I need to keep in tune with, I do. I love cars and Im proud of him being a shop owner. But when he goes on and on about a job hes doing and of course I havent a clue, I tend to lose track. He even comes out and says just ignore me Im babbling. In which case I have already done so. Conversation is one thing, going on and on is another. I have my own moments that he ignores me too. Its one of the little ways in which to keep your sanity and relationship in check. I still do not know why I just cant tune out his constant moving around. His popping up every 15-20 minutes, drives me out of my skull. I sometimes have to tell him to just sit down. Hell pop up to do something and then come back into the living room and just stand there like hes forgotten what he was doing. He hasnt, hes just standing there. Drives me out of my mind. I am very much on point in everything I do. I do what needs to be done then I go sit back down and relax. Ken cannot do that. If I had to relax the way he does, Id never be relaxed! I am not exaggerating when I tell you he cannot sit for longer than 15-20 minutes. I end up yelling at him sometimes to just sit his ass down! I have to remind him sometimes that he just did that, have a seat. I really dont know how we kept it together pre medication! He worked on my nerves so bad. We spent a lot of time together when he was moonlighting as a locksmith. I would read the map, and he would drive, drive me nuts is more like it! He wasnt big on paying attention before he was diagnosed with ADHD. Now hes medicated and its better, but he has his moments. At least my meds keep me from freaking out on him anymore. We were both diagnosed about the same time. Different doctors. He used to tell me his mind was like someone channel surfing with a remote. There was no paying attention. When people make that joke about oh look a squirrel, thats my Kenster. Very short memory span, long and short term. I shouldnt say anything about that, my meds have affected my memory processes too. Which frustrates me something fierce. I used to have a steel trap, now, not so much. I dont really know which med does it to me, I just know one of them does. One of them stabilizes my moods. I dont cry anymore because of it. That can be good and bad. People think you have no emotions when you dont cry. I laugh a lot more, but crying hardly at all. It builds up and up, and when I do let it go, then its hard to stop. I still feel sadness, its just not released into tears the way it once was. I have had so many positive effects with my meds though, I take the bad with the many more good things. There was this guy on here that saw me mention that I was medicated and he went on a crusade to get me to go without and start going homeopath. I will not go off meds or change meds, my life has changed for the better in so many ways. I remember pre medicated bipolar and I have enough compassion for my fellow human beings not to do that to them again. I dont want to do it to myself again. Pre medicated I was unable to hold a job, no one was safe from verbal attack about anything I didnt like at the moment, I was miserable with myself but couldnt seem to change it no matter how much I wanted to. I didnt realize it was something I couldnt help on my own. I didnt even know what bipolar was. I had to go online and find out about it once I was diagnosed. Then it was like being hit with a sledgehammer. Everything I read was a true revelation, the articles described me to a T. Then I became so embarrassed. Now Im the first to advise those that think they dont need their meds to keep taking it. I feel so much better too, but I know for certain that if I didnt take my meds I would be right back in the same old situation all over again. A decent life means too much to me to try to become my own shrink. I know people who decided they dont need their meds because they feel so good now. DUH! Its the meds keeping you on an even keel! They dont realize how miserable they are to be around. I was never embarrassed because I was bipolar, I was embarrassed because I was such a jerk for so long and there was something I could have done about it. Im old enough not to care about stereotypes. Or maybe just realistic is the word Im looking for. My life is important, and I want to live it positively. I was so negative for so long. I still have all my opinions and feelings, I just am able to keep them to myself now instead of throwing them out there to hurt someone on purpose. I havent been in a single pissing contest since I was fully medicated. I just dont care enough anymore to really get into it. Its usually not my problem to start with. Just a quick aside, coming more fully into my faith has done miracles for me as well. I got rid of the insecurities of one dogma and found something so much deeper and so open. I love my fellow man more now than I did then. I found something in which Im equal and loved for just being me. Loved as a woman should be, without the stigma of being a woman. It has been a miracle in my spirit. No commandments, no deadly sins, no hell, just a loving deity to ALL her creations, no matter what. I have one rule, and it harm none. That means you and me. Thats the only demand She has for us. Creating something so complex as the human being and then giving that complex brain so many rules is counter productive. Especially when we were not given instinct, we have to be taught everything in our lives, and we arent always taught the truth, we are taught what someone else was taught and on down the line. I really prefer reality to the so many myths that we as humans feel the need to believe. We arent always taught right and since we are not instinctual creatures, we do what ever we were shown. Instinct would lead us down the right trail every time, lets face it there are no disorders and crime and negativity in the animal world, they have instincts. We are distinctly human, and terribly flawed. I cannot believe in a deity that would condemn any of Its creations. And I dont want to end up somewhere where I may have to be stuck in a church service 24/7. Thats the only vision I ever got of heaven. I do not believe in hell, or even the deity satan. Theres good and bad, its on either end of the spectrum thats all. I do not give it any theological significance. As humans we are given to religion to have something to blame it on, good or bad. I believe in chaos. I have lived in and with chaos. Now Ive released it and feel so much more enlightened for what I have dealt with. It helps me daily to deal with people in a much more positive light. Ive stopped thinking that the world was out to get me. Its up to me to have light or dark in my life, no one else. Ive done did it again, I went on a rant. Time to get to the cards. Have a wonderful y, Brightest Blessings!
Posted on: Mon, 08 Dec 2014 16:15:54 +0000