Greetings all, While I assume that the rest of you haven’t put any thought into team and are assuming that everything will go smoothly and that no movement will occur between teams, this is not the case for myself personally. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to attend team formation so in addition to Mitch acting as my proxy, the following are my instructions for which team I would like to join. (Written in 3rd person for added pretentiousness) 1) Ben sneers disdainfully at the names surrounding him in the rankings, particularly towards Sam, Mitchell and Jason. Ben sees himself as superior to these beings not only in debating ability, but in almost every aspect of life. The mere thought of having to debate on a team with any of these lesser spirits disgusts Ben to his very core. As such, Ben demands to be placed on a team which satisfies the following conditions: 2) Ben requests that all potential contingent members write down their list of preferred team mates in descending order from most to least preferred. If Ben features in the top 10 of anyone’s list, he refuses to debate with them. Volition is a sign of weakness, if you want Ben, he doesn’t want you. 3) His fellow team members are important to Ben, but even more importantly, Ben demands to be on a team called Melbourne 1. Even if this team does not consist of the top ranked speakers, Ben would request that team names are changed post team formation so that his apparent skill and importance is inflated in the eyes of others at the tournament. In the event that all other contingent members value their team number as being of equal importance, as a compromise solution Ben would recommend that all 5 team names be changed to Melbourne 1. 4) Whilst debating prowess is a large part of what makes a good team, vanity is Ben’s one true mistress. Ben demands to be put on a team which is sufficiently attractive so as to make him also appear attractive via “The Cheerleader Effect”, but not so attractive so as to make him look like an “emaciated, lecherous troll”. 5) Ben is extremely superstitious, if the sum of the number of letters in any of Ben’s team members’ names is not a prime number, Ben vetoes this team for fear of angering the Gods. 6) Ben demands that his potential team mates take the Kinsey test and that the cumulative sum of their scores be 8.2 7) Ben refuses to debate with anyone who has yet to watch “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace” 8) (To be enacted at the point at which all previous conditions have been met, preferably 3 hours into the meeting after the majority of people have dropped out of the tournament) Ben regrets to inform everyone that he will not be able to grace the Otago Australs 2014 Tournament with his presence. Ben wishes the contingent the best of luck at the tournament, recognising that such a fantastic group of individuals could only produce excellent teams capable of great success. Failing that, the most important thing is that we all remain the firmest of friends.
Posted on: Sun, 18 May 2014 12:13:25 +0000
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