I believe today has been the day where I have truly grieved, grieving, accepting and finding the ability to truly surrender to my feelings and process around my dad. As most know two weeks before I moved to Cincinnati, I flew back to see my dad for the last time, to have closure, to find some peace to move on. My dad is in his last stages of altzheimers. He is no longer cognitive to what or who is around him. The dad I know is no longer here, but he is still alive. I wanted to see him one final time while he was still physically well and able to have a conversation. He was not aware who he was talking to nor does he remember me, he did not know what he was talking about nor where he was. I have had a very distant relationship with my dad until I found out he had altzheimers. I wanted peace with him, for him and myself as well as my family. I wanted to stand up and be the daughter and sister I never had been. I was given that chance and made peace. Today has been incredibly painful. I have cried more today than I ever have since I saw him last. I can still remember what it felt like as I said good bye for the last time and walked out the door. I am blessed I many ways to have this experience. I am blessed to be in a relationship where I can be 5 and cry, grieve and just be. The safety of my relationship has given me the trust and willingness to let myself heal how I have not. I have no idea why I am writing this. I hope others will find comfort in my experience and words. I am grateful I am clean, sober and able to feel my emotions, feel the grief and sorrow and still find the beauty in it all. Being human is normal, I think we live in a society where we are taught not to show our emotions. Bottom line we are human and we feel.
Posted on: Mon, 26 Jan 2015 23:00:29 +0000
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