“I knew you would fail” Sarah said that to me in mid-October or so. It wasnt in the context of an argument or a fight, at least that would be a little easier to understand. Just a casual, off-handed comment after a manuscript was rejected. It didnt even provoke any kind of a fight. I didnt really know what to say and so I just let it go even though it bothered me so much I still remember it months later. In a lot of ways, that feeling sums up 2014 for me. I keep a lot of negative people in my life because Im afraid of being alone. This explains not just the most current relationship in my life but the past 3 years or so. I pinball from one negative relationship to the next just because I feel like I need someone elses voice to drown out the voices in my head telling me that Im failing, that all the figs on my tree are slowly withering year by year and that some are already dropping off. I need validation that Im still attractive, that Im still interesting, that Im still worthwhile and Ive been willing to put up with too much just to get that validation. This is my resolution for 2015. No more negative people, no more toxic relationships with people who steal my soul and my beef jerky. I knew you would fail. The only way Ill fail in 2015 is if I keep people like that around any more. (And Im also resolving to get buff, eat less fast food, win Evo in Guilty Gear and Marvel, resolve the publishing situation for The End Of Everything, etc. But I resolve to do those every year. This ones important)
Posted on: Thu, 01 Jan 2015 03:34:53 +0000
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