I normally dont give death more than a passing thought, since it is inevitable and permanent and very necessary. But many people who have been close with me throughout the past decade or so of my life know that my great-grandma and I spent many weeks, days, and hours together, even though she never once knew who I was, and oft times made up who I could be. Sometimes I was a schoolgirl best friend from decades past sharing (her favorite) ice cream cone, sometimes I was her daughter coming home at night wayyy too late and I was promptly scolded. Many times I was just a confidante and caretaker and even though she may not have been sure who I was, she knew she could trust me and there was a mutual love, as shrouded in mystery as it was as to my identity. It always struck me that even though she never knew who I was, she always knew what name to call out, no matter what time it was or where in the house we were situated. Alzheimers and Dementia are very heartbreaking things to see a loved one endure for so long. Through the good days and the bad, my heart was breaking for her- but I loved her so much, there was a selfishness in not wanting to let her go. Near the end of her lifetime she didnt see much of me, which Im sure she didnt notice. I didnt want to go see her for fear of her last time seeing me, that I would be a scary and complete stranger, and I didnt want her last feelings toward me to be fear and confusion. I didnt want our last day to be one of the bad days that were growing ever more frequent during her last years here. My great-grandma Marge is officially at peace. For those few of my closest friends that I ever felt were kind-hearted, patient, and loving enough to meet her, you are very lucky. For her own personal friends and acquaintances that she has made over the years, and for those that are still alive and well enough to remember her, I ask that you remember who she really was. A loving mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother. She was a devoted wife and a hard worker. She lacked no amount of love in her heart. She loved her dog Holly, and always worried for her, hoping she had enough food and love and had been out and walked. She isnt my blood relation, no. But her soul and mine will always be intertwined to a degree. She taught me a lot about life and loss and aging and patience and how to love in a time in my life when I needed a lot of lessons on just about everything there is to know. It is a bittersweet feeling to know that she has finally moved on from the shackles of Alzheimers. It is wonderful to have known her. It was life changing to have gotten to share many moments with her. For anyone else who is going through the hell of having a family member suffering from Alzheimers, know that you are not alone. If you ever need to vent your frustrations, rebuild your patience, just take a break and relax before going back to reality- I am here for you. It is not an easy road, but we make it through by nothing more than love. A selfless, heartbreaking, beautiful love that not many people will ever know in their lifetime.
Posted on: Sun, 27 Jul 2014 15:46:57 +0000
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