I took off being on social media last wednesday in reverence to MJ. Because he was silenced forever on that day, I was going into silence true. For the last couple of years Ive been doing this and it may become a tradition. While I was off FB and twitter, I spent the day introspectively. Listening to Michaels music, reading my favorite parts of his books and watching my favorite footage and interviews. For a while, I actually lost myself in these things and actually felt better. It was almost as if he is still here, walking the streets of LA or Los Vegas in his adorably absurd costumes and Ed Hardy gear and shopping with his children. For a while it was early 09. However soon after, the wave of sadness came upon me again as I realize there will never be new footage and stories of his antics with the paps and mental stories from the usual rags that I scoffed at. Never again will he pull me out of bad days. Theres nothing more to look forward to. No albums (fresh new material, that is..), no interviews, concerts, appearances.-nothing. Im forced to move on with my life without that comfort and MJJ security blanket I carried with me since the age of seven. Never again will I play the childhood game I made up called what is MJ doing right now. Where I close my eyes and imagine what he would be doing at that very second. LOL, my usual guess involved him singing and dancing and practicing new dance moves, or climbing trees, or playing around with his many games and rides at Neverland. Since childhood, I went to sleep nightly with these images. Now, when I play that game, I dont think about him being in and enjoying any type of afterlife. Instead, my mind takes me to a beautifully dressed (imagined from LaToyas description in her book), still body in a golden coffin that is interred in the Holly Terrace. Solemn feelings, indeed. 5 years on, I cant help to think about how things would be if he hadnt died. How hed look at 55 years old. How his kids wouldve grown up with his continued nurturing. What new songs or projects would be on board. I just think about how different things would be if he survived that overdose. Although in some ways I appreciate him being recognized by the public in the way it has be in the current, I cant help but to see it as bitter-sweet. since 1993, it seems that he was just a punchline to an unfunny joke to many of the masses.It wasnt until his death that people are starting to recognize and appreciate what they have ignored. His heart. His talent, and his musical genious. It is now mostly taboo to take jabs at his appearance, his changing skin color, and his love for children. It took his to die for most people to see the very thing he was trying to show the world his entire life. What ultimately irks me is that now since hes dead the world rejoices his contribution as if they always had. That just really grinds my gears. Its even more hurtful to see fellow fans who went through Michaels tribulations with supportive spirit seems to also forget how underrated he was and accepts the posthumous adulation by the very masses that scorned him. As if the last 20 years never happened. I know Michael always taught the lessons of love and forgiveness, but you also have to look at a cynical eye at those who are revering him because it is suddenly the in thing to do, or that it will benefit them in some way. I have argued with many fans over this issue the most.years ago I know this is getting more lengthy than I meant for this to be, but writing is cathartic. 5 years ago, that day was one of the worse days of my life. Perhaps I deserved it, for getting too emotionally attached to a mere celebrity that I never met, didnt know, nor had a real connection to. In hindesite, I think I used Michael to replace things that I was missing in my life. Although I know I was loved by my family. I was well cared for, I think I missed the support and companionship that I yearned. Many other variables come into play with this, but I lacked the feelings of love and support that I think I needed. The love and support that I still need but had to learn to live without. This is one of the many many ways Michael influenced my life. When I needed a hug, he was that hug. Just by Michaeling I felt much better. This is why I feel I owe so much to him. He helped people like this all over the world for decades. People just like me. People whom he had never laid eyes on. If Michael was a superhero, his superpowers would be the gift of love. I really believe that. Thank for reading my insane mutterings, and I appreciate all commentary, good or bad. :)
Posted on: Sat, 28 Jun 2014 19:11:52 +0000
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