If you would know me truly, then you would read the whole thing, start to finish...I am listening to the patterns and rhythms of the rain as I sit on the porch this morning…the 5:00 o’clock train thunders into the tunnel near the end of my street as I sip my coffee and smoke a cigarette…it is that time when night begins to complete its march toward the coming of the day…another crossroads of a sort…my mind drifts here and there…things in the past, the potentialities of the future, and the complications or simplicities of the day to come, and then back to the present…to my pleasantries, to my woes, to my actions…to the things that really matter the most of all…my friends. I think many of you know the depth of our friendship, but for those of you whom I have not visited with in a while, either because of distance or time or both, know that even though that may be, I have not forgotten. Would that I had the ability to transcend time and space, so that we might spend a pleasant morning or afternoon enjoying one another’s company, it would be so in an instant. Alas, it does not work that way, so I must on occasion, dine on the bittersweet fruit of regret and sadness. That is the nature of it as well. Paths cross, strangers meet, and there is a transference of something unique, a sharing that is not bound by the bond of blood, and then the fortunes of this world causes those paths to diverge…that is the way of life…whether we agree with it or not. But, I don’t see it as a diminishing of a true friendship…once you have shared deeply with another, time and distance cannot undo that. And that brings me full circle back to the present…at this moment, in spite of all the daily little obstacles that litter my road, I am happy and many positive changes are about…I am uplifted and genuinely thankful for all the beautiful things that have manifested on my plate…and yet, there is a bit of sorrow and sadness that comes with it all. I have had many friends and I have enjoyed the company of a few lovers…and sometimes, those beings are embodied in one. But, as a rule, there was a rhyme and a reason to it all and it was a natural state of being that just fell into place…the saying that friends can’t be lovers and vice versa is absolutely false, but it may be difficult without a doubt. And then another kind of thing may happen and it comes out of nowhere, a place due west of leftfield, and I am left stumbling, confused, and groping in the dark trying in futility to make sense of it all…not necessarily a bad thing, for we all need to be shaken out of our complacency now and again to keep us honest and in the now, but it can be quite frightening. We all operate under differing moral codes and at times, our concepts of right and wrong may seem a vast chasm away from our friends code of conduct…but it is what makes us unique and who we see as our true selves. So, to bring this all into some sense of perspective that one might grasp, recently, something happened in my life that has never occurred before, an entirely new thing that cut my feet from beneath me and placed me squarely in unknown waters. An event so different for me, that as use to life’s crazy curveballs as I have become, it caught me completely off guard. A friend, a close and very important person in my life took me to a place I had never been, and I was lost and alone in the dark, for I had no sense of direction to proceed. I knew not what to do, for in every point on the compass I saw great peril and misery…I thought that I had successfully navigated my way back to safe waters…but I know that it is not so…for, like the proverbial elephant in the room, I have sensed a diminishing of a beautiful thing and I am saddened by it, but once again, I know not what to do. It has troubled me to the point that I have asked a distant friend, a seeress of a sorts, whom I have never met physically nor conversed with any other way except across the vast ether to peer into my darkness and inform me of what she perceived…I gave her no details whatsoever, not even as to what I was asking, but just to look at the flow around me…all credit must go to her gift, for she saw it all, with a clarity that would be frightening to some…And I am left again with my quandary, for must I sacrifice one thing for another, because I cannot pretend to be the bearer of something that I do not possess as of yet? I am not saying that it could not be…but I am not there at this moment, and it would be a huge dishonesty on my part to say otherwise…but I would wish that my dearest of friends not perceive it as kind of rejection or scorn, but as my sincere desire to feel the one thing without the loss of the other…for the friendship was a thing of beauty and happiness…the bestest and truest I’ve experienced in a long, long time. And to those who would say, “Thomas, why do you not speak it out loud?” My answer is that I cannot, for my lips and tongue turn to mud and glue when I try to express my thoughts and emotions into spoken things…
Posted on: Tue, 07 Oct 2014 11:12:42 +0000
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