Ironically, the most powerful advantage comes not from the bully but from the victim: the pro-social constraint of the victim, the universal yearning for relationship, provides all the advantage the bully ever needs.... ....Once a potential victim exhibits social constraint, or responsibility, the bully knows he or she can safely maneuver the situation to the very brink of disgrace. Counting on the integrity of the victims constraints to keep them both from tumbling over, the bully stands on the crumbling edges of socially acceptable behavior and demands that the victim either jump or submit. ....This assumes that social, professional or familial circumstances force the victim into relationship with the bully. Otherwise, the victim would simply disengage. It also assumes the victims world view and social skill level do not provide alternatives beyond submission or escalation. ....Relational aggression takes form as verbal threats and abuse. Relational bullies exercise their negative intent by directing hurtful statements to their victims and, of greater significance, talking about their victims to others. This type of aggression uses the threat of social isolation to hurt the victim. The bullys advantage resides in the value the victim places on belonging to a family, school, workplace or other group. As we shall see later, bullies have no corresponding fear of social isolation. ****They do not value relationships and therefore perceive themselves as having nothing to lose: interdependent relationships signify weakness. *****Relationships only expose one to the possibility of loss. Consumed by self-reliance and the need for control, relational aggressors project the source of their inadequacies and fears on to others.**** Some have termed this projection as hostile attributional bias or paranoia. Accordingly, relational aggressors see provocation and, thereby, justification ***where it does not exist***. Typically, they take inappropriate revenge for imagined offense and externally impose on others the solutions to problems arising from within. ****Surprisingly, bullies see themselves in a positive light, probably because they have so little awareness of what others think of them. No one wants to suffer a bullys wrath by telling them the truth, and so the bullys confidence survives simply because they lack the feedback to perceive themselves correctly in social situations. In fact, blindness to the feelings of others permeates the behavioral style and outlook of bullies. Lacking social awareness, they certainly dont see the impact of their own behavior on themselves and others. They abuse their spouses and children, creating a miserable family life and still another generation of bullies. In the end, bullies bring at least as much unhappiness upon themselves as upon their victims. ****** You may well ask, if relational aggression causes so much pain, why do bullies persist in it? Its a great strategy for getting what you want, says Illinoiss Gary Ladd. People have a need to control their environment, and perhaps some enter life with differences in that need, as occurs with other traits. The great psychological benefit to bullying, says Ladd, is that bullies feel powerful, in control. Theyve picked a little microcosm in which to exert control. They think their behavior works because they only see the short term outcome. hevanet/kort/AGRESS1.HTM
Posted on: Fri, 18 Oct 2013 19:45:15 +0000
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