Just heard from a friend of a friend, another woman who was, like me, suddenly widowed, though the circumstances differ. This is just such a brutal occurrence... I have talked with many here, and in life generally, who have lived through it (if you can call the agonized sleepwalking unreality that is the aftermath of a sudden, or with-little-notice death of a spouse, living). I am going to repeat some non-advice advice for those who face this, or those who are friends of someone facing it. 1. Whatever you feel or do for awhile, while it seems like craziness because it is such a break from normal reality, isnt craziness... its grief. You just have to walk through it. It cant be hurried. Its not really true that it has stages or a time-table. 2. A bereavement support group does help. It took me three years to do it --- three years after my husband died! --- but I eventually joined one, through hospice, for people who had lost a spouse. It didnt do all the things I wanted it to do (bring back the person... make it stop hurting...)... it didnt even particularly give me insight. But, it gave me a container .... a place where I could go and just pour out my sorrow and bereftness. And its as if, because the grief knows there is a time and place where it will be heard, it backs off a little the rest of the time --- there are fewer intrusive grief ambushes. Therapy is good too, if you get someone that is a good fit. 3. Single most helpful book: amazon/Companion-Through-The-Darkness-Dialogues/dp/0060969741 If you are a friend of someone who is bereaved, please just hang out with them in their sorrow and do practical stuff (like offer rides, or grocery shopping, or stay at their home, or take their cat to the vet, or go with them to the crematory to get the ashes, or offer to help them clear out closets when/if they are ready). Whatever they feel or do is part of their grief. If they want to eat ice cream, eat ice cream with them. If they dont want to eat, be okay with that. Check in with them on birthdays, anniversaries (including the anniversary of his/her death). Refrain from any statements of your spiritual beliefs --- thats for you, not them: the grieving need to find their own way and other peoples theology is often extraordinarily offensive and trivializing at this time. Refrain from saying, Well, at least you were lucky to have him/her. (If a person loved their partner, of course they were lucky --- but that is fotr them to say, in their own time --- it does not in any way mitigate their present agony; in fact, if they loved him/her a great deal, that makes the grief worse). And for gods sake, do not say, Well, I was divorced, and thats like a little death. The third time someone said this to me, I said, Yeah, well the day a widow says to me, My husband just died, and thats like a little divorce, I might listen. Dont say, Call me anytime. Say (as two different friends did to and for me, and may angels bless them forever) something like, I go to sleep easily, and I wake up easily, and I go back to sleep easily, so you can call me at two in the morning and itll be fine. Or Im going to bed with my cell phone charged and right next to me --- please call me when you wake up. Dont say, Let me know if theres anything I can do. The griever has no idea what to do. Just see what needs doing and do it. Like, wash the dishes, make a medications list, start a phone tree of people to check in, start a memorial page on FB, say, Susie... do you think a massage would feel good? . Fill the birdfeeder. I wish all these things werent needed so often. I wish death didnt snatch away people we love.
Posted on: Sat, 24 Jan 2015 23:16:36 +0000
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