Ochuko: Wetin u dey do for Abuja? Akpos: O boi. Meeehn, d tin wey carey me kom Abudja ehn, no b small tin o. Ochuko: U serious? Akpos: I wanna serious die. Guy, na orspitu I dey o. Ochuko: How e take happen? Akpos: Hmm, Ochuko, na house I dey my own jeje one Satuday evening o na im I say make I stroll small as I don dey house since morning. As I comot, na him Najite begin ping me. Na so I kon concentrate on our chat, and u knw say one big step for me na a giant leap for mankind … Ochuko: Wait, wait na wetin that wan mean? Akpos: I sabi waka; I get booster for leg. Ochuko: No be lie. Akpos: So naa, we don ping gooo for almost 2 hrs wen I tell am say make she wait say I wan piss. My broda, as I carey head up say make I find one koror wey I go piss, wetin I see na one of those big road signs wey dem write Welcome to Abudja. I first think say na play. For my mind I kon dey say awon were, won fe so Eko di Arbujah. E nor tey I begin hear Araba bus conductors dey shout Gwagwalada, Gwagwalada, Kubwa, Nyanya, Berger Roundabout. Only me jus dey laff myself for my mind say temi bami loni. If tor say I enter one of those buses dey go wia I won go e for beta but d devo wey push me reach Abudja nor gree. Na so one cab dey pass ask me: ‘‘where?’’ I say Festac. The guy nor get na him him vamoose. Anoda wan kom, ask; I say Festac again. The guy ask me ‘‘for where?’’; I say ‘‘Festac na’’, abi una nor knw where Festac dey again. All this while I still dey hope say everything na joke … dey tell myself for my mind say candid camera dey one corner dey film me. The next cab wey kom na him clear my eye. As I tell d guy Festac d guy say ehn? I say Festac again na him him match brake, look me one kain. Me sef I kon dey think say wether I don dey mad and I nor knw. The guy ask me ‘‘which Festac?’’ I say d one wey dey near Mile 2, Agboju, Alakija. Na him d guy look me like dat again say dat na for Lagos naa! This na Abuja u dey so. Him kon ask me where I think say I dey. Me nau, as a Warri guy, n u knw say Warri nor dey carey last. I kon form gi an. I say bros, na wa o, persin nor dey forlo una play again, I knw say dat Festac na Lagos e dey naa, and na Abudja I dey so. I wan see whish of una knw dat Festac. As I sight some yuppie guys with dem fine babes wey don dey gather na him I change am for am. I tell d cab man say na Festac Restaurant for Asokoro na him I dey go jump enter d cab make I for nor fall ma hand for d AIT wey don gather. Meanwhile me wey take cab nor get beta money for pocket. The only money wey dey my pocket na d 20 naira change wey I collect for mama Najite hand after I use 150 buy Ekpa 30 naira, Ijebu garri 50 naira, Cowbell 10 naira and sugar 10 naira against Saturday morning. Eehn, I knw, d 30 naira wey remain na my usual deposit every day against rice wey I go buy for Sunday b dat. Ochuko: Shoo, Akpos, na so e be u? Akpos: Listen to me, that’s why u pipo r not sorcesful. As u see me so ehn, I’m a visionary, yes, I plan ahead. He who fails to plan, plans to fail. Yes! Ochuko: So how dat wan take land u for hospitul? Akpos: Wait na, nor dey bé, abi u be antelope? Tori sti meni. So na, as we don dey go, e nor tey na him d guy bransh enter wan NNPC Mega Station to fill him tank. Na him im ask me to pay am at that point make him for take am buy petro as him jus dey start work. Me naa, I give myself brain sharp sharp, na him I change am for am again begin form Janded guy. Come see fonee. U go fear ur head nau. I was like hey mister, I kent pay you because you have not fully rendered your service to me. Your job is not done so no payment. What you are trying tou dou is soliciting for payment without completing the service which is toutelly unacceptable. It is fraudulent. No wondr I hear stories bordering on fraud while I was ouvrseas. O boy, d guy begin panic. As I see that one na him I halla again, in fact I’m not travelling wiv you anymore. I shall take another cab, hopefully d driver will be honest and show me some courtesy. As I dey halla na so I dey march go express before pple go gather kon tell me to pay for d ride wey I don take. I never reach express, I don dey wave like mad man, na God save me say one cab stop. Sharply I jump inside halla d driver: ‘‘Asokoro fast, I’m running late’’. As I dey thank Oluwa God say I don escape d first driver I dey pray for inspiration for how I go take escape this second one. E nor tey inspiration come. Still with the Janded levels, I tell d guy make e take me go Cedi Plaza say I wan meet one of my colleagues. When we reach there, I go meet one of the shoppers with all boldness as d driver dey look me. I ask the man wey just buy one Sony plasma tv about the price, ask for him advice whether make I buy d one wey him buy or make I buy Sharp or Samsung. As we dey talk, na only me dey nod, dey gesticulate, dey smile, na only me dey do every make d driver for think say d guy na my friend. My belle dey sweet say I don put the second driver for work, I no knw say dat first driver nor give up. Him trace me reach there kon carey my tori give am. Both of them kon decide say dem go treat my ef up in a big way. Me balance for back dey plot my final escape and d baba driver dey swear give me for him mind. As I tell am say my other frnd inform me say my colleague wey I wan meet just comot go wan Hotel for a meeting d man jus smile well well, come dey even explain as dem take build the place gi me sef. Me sef dey happy say I don catch mugu. Ochuko: OK Akpos: When we reach there, some pipo dey come out of the Hotel, I say, ah, good, they have already finished. Pls wait, you will take both of us back. I use scope go meet one young man wey dress like person wey dey go board meeting begin ask am which event dem just finish there, dem company, wetin dem dey into, if him Manager dey there. I talk to the guy for like 15 mins I kon do as if I wan talk to one oga wey dey waka go d back of the Hotel. From there, I miss. Na for where I dey try climb fence for back na him God catch me. I don almost scale d fence finish when one security catch my attention as him point one beta shakabula face me. As I dey try explain wetin dem nor sen me, na so pipo begin dey appear from nowhere. Some dey come in twos, in threes, in fours, others alone. All of them dey come d side of the fence wey I dey. As dem dey come dem nor look me o, everybody dey talk, some dey laugh dey come or some dey listen to d person wey dem forlo dey come, some dey talk for phone sef and all jus dey waka face where dem dey go as if dem nor see me or the security. God catch me when one Hausa man wey dey make call, call finish kon say kai minini, aboki, why I dey hang fo fence? I no see am for gate to go out? Abi na fence I pass enter fo zis compound? E jus be like say dem use remote control control everybody to face me. The whole AIT. The one wey pain me pass na when the two cab drivers come dey gist and laff dey come until dem reach where we dey. When I don come down, dey ask me wetin I dey find for d fence and why I no pay the two cab drivers. Me kon dey try make dem understand say na call I bin wan kon answer for there because of the noise inside the hotel but as I reach outside I kon see one snake for the fence na him I take my wallet stone am as the thing wan bite me, and my wallet nau, kon fly over the fence. Na him I wan go retrieve. Na so one Ibo man wey dey there provoke say: ‘‘Luk hia young man, young man we ar not fools. You hia, we ar not fools, what ar you torken. How kan you give urs that cock and bull story and expect urs to believe it? Do you know who we be? We ar intallectuals. Who do you be? Who do you think you be to ko ko kome hia and insult awa intelligence?’’ As I wan explain, I just notice say I no dey hear the pipo wey dey my left again, and my left cheek kon dey hot well well. As I turn make I see why, that time some tears don dey drop frm my left eye, I see one Mopol wey stand next to me. The last thing wey I remember be say as the guy raise him hand again, nepa take light, ar nor jus see anything again. Four days pass before I fit opun my eyes for orspitu with 48 stitches, 12 for my head and 1 inside my throat. Dem use blow redesign my face nor b small. Ochuko: O boy nor be small tin o.
Posted on: Sat, 20 Jul 2013 19:00:34 +0000
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