One of the problems with Nigerians is that we revel in lies, even when it is obviously killing us. Ooh, my relationship/marriage is so great, that weve never had any disagreement in the 29 years weve been together. True picture is - The reason you dont argue is because one person is the re-incarnation of Hitler and the other is a doormat. My husband is the best man in the world. He sends me to Dubai every month. True picture - your husband sends you out of the country to hide the scars and black eyes he gives you, from the constant beatings. Oh, and it gives him the opportunity to screw floozies in your own matrimonial bed. Its not like youre there to complain, right? My wife is the most supportive wife on the planet. She cooks fresh soup everyday and she gave me three wonderful children. Sure, dude! Her level of support is the same reason you cannot tell her that your last business deal has bankrupted you. Your neighbours hear that support at least twice a week, when shes yelling about how useless you are in the bedroom department. And oh, youre not even sure that one of those three children is really yours. Did I forget to mention that you havent been frequenting that buka for the last three weeks, for fun - but because your perfect cook wife has been starving you. We are doing all we can to re-unite the girls with their families. True picture - some focus on the fact that na only the principal waka come and well ... who gives a monkeys? Its not like the parents of the girls qualify as somebody. You see, we lie because many of us actually love to suffer. When anyone mentions this, we attack the person. Not because the person has said something wrong - but because theyve had the balls you dont have. The balls to speak up and upset your pseudo-perfect life that has constructed on lies. Thats why when money gets missing, we fire the person who asked where the missing money is ... and hold massive parties to celebrate the thieves. Our warped sense of decorum is more important than finding real solutions. But then, real solutions would actually involve having balls - something that a lot of us were born without. Along with a conscience. Have I mentioned how we like to pray - or rather, mutter senseless, ridiculous words and claim we are praying? Someone told me a couple of days ago, Nigeria is a very God-fearing country. You have lots of churches. I told the person, No and yes. Yes, we have lots of churches. No, we dont fear God. We just like to pretend that we do. When someone says, I will not take that from you or anyone else; and on my own turf, we like to think theyre joking. Thats when we remember things like faux respect ... and our sense of decorum. When someone says, Do not turn my fathers funeral into a political rally, or I will lose it - please, feel free to assume they are not joking. Especially when by virtue of your even breathing oxygen, you fought the dead person when they were alive. You didnt respect their ideals. You didnt even know what they stood for! Yet, you show up at their funeral because its your latest photo-op! Dear love of my life sugar, spice and all-things-nice co-creator of our own hiding place best father in the universe perfect anti-dote to my crase achingly gorgeous soulmate supplier of Swarovski on tap if I happen to kick the bucket/get called home/pass on before you do, could you please bar hypocrites and idiots from the funeral? Theyre not there to pay their last respects, theyll be there as vessels of mockery. If you let them in, because youve bought into the oooh this is the right way to behave at a funeral, an evil spirit (obviously not me/mine - because I am not evil) will haunt you. Right after its done with them.
Posted on: Mon, 30 Jun 2014 07:21:17 +0000
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