Saturday morning the last day of may...oh me ... i have indulged in a second cafe-mocha this morning as i sit in the corner coffee shop... i suppose i am trying to resist this haze... to give lift to this droopy heavy curtain that has been hanging about my shoulders the past week or two... i wouldnt go so far as to call it depression... but perhaps a spiritual recession... or maybe just an empathetic connection to where daddy-o is hovering... whatever it is the coffee really isnt making a difference... tastes good though... an indulgence for indulgence sake perhaps... Daddy-o has never really been drawn to such indulgences... he has always been a man of gentle discipline and relaxed yet committed schedule... and still is today.... after rising from my bed i went in to sit next to his... he asked me how the day looked…? I said well I see some sparkly golden light that looks as if it has possibility of expanding into a bright sunny day… he said ahhh how nice… sparkles expanding… and what is your outlook for this day…? he asked me… I responded and asked him if he had a nice outlook for this day as well…. he said well I need to work on that…. then he hollered for Gatra… his guide for said outlook… she was busy but would be in in a minute… he said to me that what ever his outlook was it involved her so he had to consult with her… After mom came in the consult determined that it would be a good to go ahead and get him cleaned up and turned so that he could rest on his side…. the hospice team taught us that to protect his backside from getting sores we need to have him resting on one side then the other for at least 2 hours per side each day… Once adjusted and on his side (he is always preciously cooperative when we have to “mess with him” in such ways) he asked about the schedule… now how long am I supposed to be like this…? I said well our goal daddy-o is two hours… if you get uncomfortable though we can turn back sooner…. I went and did things and returned about 30 mins later and he said … well I think it is time for me to move along with my day… I think I am done here… I told him that actually if he could stay there for a while longer it would be good… he needed this confirmed with Gatra of course… and so she went into the room and said yes if he could stay on his side a while longer it would be good… then 5 mins later he was calling for me… he wanted to let me know that he thought he was done now.. In this moment I realized what he needed was a precise time that was the end goal…. so i said well Daddy-o we shifted you to your side a little after 9am so if you could be here until 11am – which is another 1 hour and 10 mins… that would be the ultimate goal... and as soon as he had the 11am time goal in his mind things got better…. a peaceful resolve entered the scenario... he has not taken his watch off and checks it often… even when he is quite out of it he will lift his arm out of habit to look at it… just giving himself the accustomed action of lift and turn orienting watch face to his head tilt… face to face he receives the gesture of schedule… the motion of routine… the glance that tells him how he is coming along with that day’s outlook… The watch and Gatra… they are his two anchors right now… or the two staffs holding him up… or the handrails on either side of his stairway as he climbs towards his next existence… or his two advisers with whom he sits in counsel determining the next appropriate move… so many ways of viewing it... certainly they are the two things he has used the longest to hold his life and reality together... his schedule and his beloved wife... and so in keeping they seem to be the two things that will be the hardest for him to let go of... of course... and so the struggle and the joy... the confusion and the clarity... the wonder and the murk... are all still informing each day... each moment... as we carry on... feeling each of you with us... circling round and round within this dreamy sacred wheel... with gratitude always! lovelovelove
Posted on: Sat, 31 May 2014 17:35:27 +0000
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