Scott & I have decided to stop all life-preserving medical care and I am now signed up with hospice. While I want my reality to be that the cancer hasnt started knocking me too far down yet; I know better. Daily naps that used to be nice are now required. While in the nap-the couple hours down and Im good has changed to at least a few hours with more gladly taken if I dont guilt myself up. I just wanted to write that days were pretty good and then realized all the disclaimers I would have to add in: Moving and grooving in the morning takes 2 hours because of my sloth-like movement, and Scotts daily care he provides me. Those 2 hours and many that follow are cruddy--queasy until I eat a piece of toast to literally throw up 80% of the time. Afternoons may feel good somedays--if the dilaudid has worn off and if I am not crashing for a nap. Home-cooked meals are extinct and meals where all 5 (6) of us are around the table have disappeard. Going out in the morning or the afeternoon or the evening need to be prepped throughought the remaining portions of the day. And dear friends---that truly is the best part of my day. My nights are full of right flank pain that is out of this world-at best a tv bolster can provide at least a 2 hour sleep period. The 3 fentanyl patches are supposed to be my round-the-clock only pain reliever needed. But they are joined every night with at least 2 doses of dilaudid (hydromorphone) every 4 hours. In between for the the guaranteed pain reliever Im already taking morphine one or 2 times a night. My sleep is filled with hallucinations, odd and misformed invisible conversations, and treating poor Scott like a yo-yo for ice water, ice packs for my neck, this rice bag at 43 seconds and this one at 26. Now stuff the 26 a little down my back, too far scootch it up, no more like a hot dog with a little ball at the end. Hell who even gives a shit anymore. Leave it there trips up and down really break into his sleep so painfully so for me to realize. Then comes the crack of dawn and that touch of nausea waiting to greet me. Excuse spelling errors--not that big of a deal right now.
Posted on: Tue, 28 Oct 2014 16:48:57 +0000
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