Tonight as I sit on my porch I must admit my mind & heart are all f*cked up. So much so I honestly dont know where to start. I dont know if I want to curl up in the fetal position & cry or scream & just beat the sh*t out of something. The things I hear & see these days are so painful I often cant find the words to describe it. Sure, I can tell you about it but its so often situations you wouldnt understand unless you saw them yourself. A few weeks ago I noticed Shannon had started setting the alarm clock. I didnt give it any thought. Just assumed it was to keep us on a regular schedule or so he could have a little time to himself. Today I listened as 1 of our commissioners told me the lies the director had told him. You would think Id be used to it by now. The complete disregard for human life, the I did no wrong explanations, & her complete lack of regret for taking someones life. Maybe Im too close to what has happened or maybe I find it difficult to believe that someone could be so heartless. Whatever the reason, I still find myself stunned by the verbal vomit that thing spews forth. As though we are all fools. Maybe we are. Ive shared with you the nightmare as it unfolded, youve had a front row seat of every image as Ive seen it. Yet, that monster, that murderer has some of our communitys most vulnerable members in the palm of her hand. I know what youre thinking right now. Youre thinking either when will she shut up about this or that my words are those of someone heartbroken & angry-like so many cancer victims loved ones-trying to place blame which is so often the case. I would love to blame carcinogens in the environment, the doctors, fate, or even God. It would be so much easier if those reasons were to blame. Unfortunately, I have been cursed (or blessed?) with logic. Im the type that if something does not meet my logic, Ill review it repeatedly. No matter how simple the logic or how I explain it or for some that have been here from the beginning, I often feel you dont get it. You dont understand how I can use words like killed, killing, or murdered when I speak of the injustices. While her actions make no sense to me, they still result in murder. Shannon got cancer, we applied for a service (Medicaid) that he qualified for, ACDSS did NOT follow the guidelines or policies as NC DHHS provides, he relapsed while they made excuses, & by the time they bothered to LET him use the services (Medicaid) that he had been APPROVED for MONTHS before, it was too late. Many of you may wonder why I hold her personally responsible. Easy. She KNEW he had cancer since September 16, 2013, she KNEW how dire the need for Medicaid was as Wesley Longs staff/INCORRECT Archdale physicians/INCORRECT Hickory physicians called her & her employees repeatedly, & BC SHE AS DIRECTOR IS ULTIMATELY RESPONSIBLE FOR AC DSS EMPLOYEES. True, others-in an UNRELATED INCIDENT-received INCORRECT cards but they didnt have to wait over 2 MONTHS & go to a senator to get their cards fixed. She CHOSE to not follow up to see if he got a CORRECT card, she CHOSE to pass his case off to different workers each time, she CHOSE as DIRECTOR to NOT leave PCP area blank. Its cancer. Its not like we dont know how the story ends if cancer patients DO NOT receive the RIGHT medical care WHEN they need it. She had months to approve & correct his Medicaid but she CHOSE not to. Her choices will result in his death. Maybe its just me but my logic calls that murder, premeditated. The death sentence handed down 26 days ago now. We try not to believe it. That a miracle will happen. But we feel the truth, the tension lurking everywhere. I thought my sweet Belly Bean had picked up on it. Her bedtimes & naptimes have been off lately. Something was off as she usually doesnt wake up til 9 or 10 in the morning. As many of you may or may not know, I am HORRIBLE at mornings. I like to blame that on my grandmother who as a beautician NEVER went to work before 11am & God help whoever called before 10am. God knew what he was doing when he matched me with a morning person. Back to my Belly Bean. It wasnt until tonight that he told me what he did when he got up a few hours before the rest of us. I thought maybe he needed those hours to talk/rant/beg/thank God, play video games, watch the DVR, or to just think. Its 1 thing to know your loved one is dying & feel the pain of knowing whats to come. I cant imagine how he feels having been told hes going to die & sooner than we ever thought. It makes my soul scream in sheer agony at the thought. So I havent questioned it. I know now. What I would give to un-know it. Ive spent the last few hours BEGGING GOD to change all of this. For the words I heard & the sight I saw tonight inflicted a pain like no other I have ever experienced in my life. By far the only pain I have felt up to this point in my life that can only be surpassed when he goes. Shannon brought Belly outside to let me know it was Mer-Belly time. (Bath time as that child loves water & still occasionally goes to the windows or doors or runs from 1 end of the porch looking thru the railing, pointing, & shaking her head when she doesnt see the waves that she could stare at as long as I could.) I marveled at the greenness of the fresh cut grass, how alive he looked, & angel that giggled as she felt the grass beneath her feet as she ran on those little stout legs. No camera ever quite captures the beauty in those moments. He went in to bathe her & I went back to mowing. Then it happened. I went in to check on them & I felt mmy heart skip a beat at what I saw. Belly smiling as she watched the different way water streamed from the toy she held in each hand. Shannon & the floor soaked, him encouraging her, & tears sliding down his face. The words he said next paralyzed me down to my soul & I couldnt breath. What if she forgets me? I get up everyday & I wake her up & we play or read or watch tv or talk before everybody gets up but I wont get the time with her like I did with the others. Ive missed so much time with you & the kids in the damn hospital. Jesus, I dont want to go. I just need a few more years. I need more time. I just need a chance for her to remember me & remember how much I love her. I reassured him he wasnt going anywhere. She wasnt going to forget him. It wasnt an option. The mood lightened. He got Belly out of the tub & was drying her off as I went back outside. & as I started the mower I felt the tears falling & i let the shattered pieces of my heart & mind fall right along with them.
Posted on: Sat, 28 Jun 2014 06:55:41 +0000
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