Very long post but this is exactly what it feels like One year ago today, I was sent down a path I did not want to travel. I started the trek already exhausted from the fear and worry that the weeks prior had heaped on my mind. I was shoved onto the path landing on my hands and knees, winded and afraid. But I had to move forward, crawling at first, knowing that I could not turn back. I slowly got to my feet, disoriented, angered, fearful and confused. I started to walk through the dark, slowly at first, with thorns ripping at me and branches unseen slapping me in the face. This was no place I had ever been before. Nothing was familiar, there seemed no light ahead, only darkness. The pieces of my heart lay broken and jangling in my chest causing my breath to catch in pain and anguish. But I walked and I started to learn. I listened, straining to hear with my whole body. I watched with my eyes and I felt with my broken heart - the only things I had to help me at first. I learned that other things were going to reach out and grab me. That I would startle and cringe. That I would cry and cry and cry some more. I had no choice. No one asked me if I wanted to go this way. No one offered a way off the path. And when the day started to break and I could start to see ahead just enough to move a bit faster, I felt like I wasnt alone. I would turn and look and I would catch a glimpse of people I knew and some I didnt. They were following me, at a distance. They were cheering me on, telling me I could do it. They too didnt know how to get off the path. They didnt understand what it was like to walk it every day. But they stayed and they offered support. Some just stood and watched me, quietly from a distance. Some tried to catch up, even wished they could take the lead for me, to ease my pain and let my wounds heal a bit before going on, but they couldnt take the lead, nor would I relinquish it. But I loved their willingness to try. They stayed on my heels and kept me going, showing me I wasnt alone. And other people showed up along the side, giving me direction, giving me hope, giving me confidence. They told me what I already knew, that I couldnt turn back. They told me they would help me, and they did. They had seen so many others walk this path before, all the same at some basic level. Only some of those people never got to the end. And they gave me no guarantees I would either, but they would do everything they possibly could and then some, to try to get me there. I did what they said. I trusted them. I feared not reaching the end more than any other single thing. I prayed and begged and I agreed I would walk this road and I would not complain. I never asked why me? Why not me, was the answer I gave to others who asked that question for me. No one should take this path. No one. Ever. And especially no one should walk it carrying their child in their arms. Their sick child. Their scared child. Protecting their child the best they can. Telling their child it will be okay, and that theyll find a way out of the forest, when they really had no idea if that was true. While branches slash, and roots tripped, and tears slid down my tired and dirty face. And when the sun rose finally over the horizon, I could see a fair distance in front of me, I got my second wind. I couldnt see the end. I didnt know what other bends and hills and obstacles might be before me. But I could see and I could see the eyes of my child looking to me, weary and exhausted. And I smiled at his beautiful face. My strength was renewed and I knew I could carry him the rest of the way. Bends in the road did come my way and I took them, slowing down for a time. I did get too confident some days and I would stumble and even fall, while holding my child tight and keeping him safe. I would get up, shake off the pain and keep moving, one foot in front of the other. Hills came and the walk would slow. Sometimes I had to call out and ask for support, because I was needy and needed even more than I was getting. And all those people who had stuck by me and had continued to follow me gave me even more. They helped the sun move up into the sky, they made my arms stronger to keep carrying my boy. They braced my back and gave strength to my legs. And in the times it got quiet, I could hear less of the broken pieces of my heart jingling in my chest. Some of the pieces had grown back together. Fragile and scarred, but healing ever so slowly. And now a whole year later, I am still walking. I no longer carry my child, but walk with him as we used to when he was younger, holding hands again, knowing as only us two know, how scary the dark was, how bumpy the path felt, how evil the instigator really is. We heard others along the way, on their own path, over in the dark, struggling to find a way. We would yell out to them, try to encourage them, never too tired to answer their call. And they would answer ours. Sometimes they didnt make it. And we cried. Sometimes now we catch a glimpse of some through the trees walking fast towards the end, towards freedom, just like us. We watch warily, afraid to take our eyes off the ground - afraid they too will get distracted and fall down again. But we have learned so many, many things while walking. I have learned you never know what path you will have to walk, but you will have no choice but to walk it. And while you do, remember everyone else is on their path and they dont know what mine feels like, just like I dont know theirs. I have learned that we are loved and listened to by people we know and even some people we dont. I have learned the world and life are good, even when it is terribly difficult. I have learned that people will surprise us, in good ways and sometimes in bad. But even that is okay, because it brings clarity. I have learned what is really important. I mean really learned it. I think we all say it, but there is a big difference between thinking you know what is truly important and instead really having knowledge of it. This time has brought life into sharp focus. It has brought me acceptance of time and faith in the unknown. It has taken awhile but it has brought me peace in knowing I have no control, I have no answers, but I have today and just today to love. It has brought me deep appreciation for those who have loved me and I have learned to be a better person, a better friend because of them. It has brought me the ability to be here now, and deal with the next obstacle when I get to it, if I get to it I am still walking. I dont know where the end is anymore. I thought there was one. I thought I knew what it would look like, feel like, sound like. But I now know that I dont know. Im not sure there even is an end, or that I want to find it. Because the horrible, rocky, dark path has turned into a hike that has strengthened my heart, deepened my love, cleared my mind and opened my soul. And Im walking it, everyday - whether I am tired, or achy, fearful or happy. It is my trek, my trip, my path. And I dont walk it alone, ever. Even if I go first - taking the scrapes, and the scratches, worrying about the rocks and the roots, I share it with the true hero. I share it with the one who never looked around, the one who looked into my eyes for strength, unknowing that he was the one who gave it to me. You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have is my new understanding. He was strong enough for the both of us. He is my greatest teacher and he has made me a seeker. He has always brought me joy, even in the darkest of hours. I cherish every moment we spend walking this walk and I will keep going, full of pride when I watch him move ahead of me, strong and happy blazing his own path, whichever way it goes.
Posted on: Sat, 02 Aug 2014 12:55:30 +0000
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