8 yrs ago this morning the Doctor had come out & held my hands while telling me that I was right, you were a fighter, & it was a better day. Your intercranial pressure was the lowest it had been since before the crash & you were stable enough for them to do a couple of procedures they had been needing & waiting to do. He said the nurse would be out with the consent forms to explain them & ask me to sign. It all sounded so hopeful & I listened & with you in mind, signed them thinking I was doing what was best for you. Ive questioned that decision & our outcome many many times over the years. We lost that entire day with you as it was 8 p.m. before we got to start filtering thru 2 at a time again. I know it was near the end of that 2 hr visiting period that your Aunt Karen came to get me. Your intercranial pressure was climbing & when I entered your room & looked at the monitors, it was in the seventies & getting higher. I remember praying for God to guide me & asking him for a sign. Each time we prayed or sang hymns, your intercranial pressure would come down & each time we stopped, it rose again. I remember feeling the need to talk to you & ask you if your plans of organ donation had changed, apologizing for playing tug owar with God for you & you using your heart & our bond to speak to me. I gave you permission to go & assured you in your questions of if Id be mad at you & if I was or had ever been disappointed in you. I have often wondered & hoped you know I was not giving up on you. You could have continued to fight & Id be by your side today had you done so. You gave me so many signs over those 4 days that you were there & God allowed me to be at your side as you took your last breath that night. I know people thought I gave the order to take you off life support, to pull the plug, but you had been alternating breaths with the respirator & suddenly you werent taking your turn in breathing. I alerted the nurses, they contacted the doctor & a brain scan was scheduled for the next day. I didnt need their scan, I knew you were gone. My heart was broken & I felt I had failed you on so many levels. 8 yrs later & I still struggle with what I believe & know & what my Mothers Heart feels. I am so proud to be Janakae Toinette Sargents Madre. I am who I am because God chose me to bless with you. Even though I dont feel your brother, sisters, friends, or I were finished making memories with you, Im forever thankful for Him loaning you to us for as long as He did. I love you & miss you with each breath & every beat of my heart, Baby Girl.
Posted on: Sat, 15 Nov 2014 19:32:03 +0000
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