A Mothers Story - Mye Story I met my husband at the age of 31 and agreed to marry him after 2 and a half years. As a bride of mid 30s, I knew that I wanted children. My husband and I were to lucky to be called parents for the first time. At 34, I was on my way to becoming a mommy. I was about 1.5 month-preggy, that I walked into the doctors office. That day I would hear the doctors advise if the Pregnancy Test is positive. Indeed, its positive according to TVS. After 3months, weve heard my babys heartbeat for the first time! As I lay on the table and the Doppler was ran across my belly, the sound is quiet at first then a louder beat can be heard in the entire room. My husband and I were too happy on that. The year, 2009. Was the most exciting and happy year for us. My first child was born. At the delivery room, the last thing i remembered was, The Resident OB said, March 11, 9:40pm and its a Girl, Mommy Cabrera, then i dont know what happened next. Around 1am the following day in the recovery room, the nurse said- Mommy, nanganak ka na, babae po at nasa nursery, bukas po ng 7am pwede nyo na makita. That was the happiest moment of my life as a mother. All the labor pain was gone. I named her, Johanna Mae (johanna means the Lord is gracious and The name Mae is a French baby name. In French the meaning of the name Mae is: May. In Roman mythology Maia: (source of the month May) was goddess of spring growth. But for us, the name Johanna Mae, is just the combination of our names, John and Mye. Intently, after 2.5years, weve planned to have another baby. It was Oct. 10, 2011, weve seeked doctors advise, and thank god its positive. Another Gods gift is about to come. I had a very smooth first trimester, then, before christmas of 2011. Ill had my 2nd ultrasound. The results is ok but i was asked to closely monitor my Blood pressure, i have pre-hyper tension. The 3rd ultrasound is quite alarming, the size of the baby is delayed by 3weeks. I was given 2x the dosage of pre-natal vitamins, with close monitoring of my BP and food intake. After 2 weeks, another ultrasound was held, the results is still the same. The size of the baby is too small for 6months, i was advised to have complete bedrest. It was March 14, 2012, during my monthly check-up. I went first to my doctors office for regular check up. She asked me to lay down and the Doppler ran on my tummy, were listening intently. After a little while and no results, I tried to read the look on the face of my OB. Something must be wrong. She tried a little more, then stopped. She couldnt find the heartbeat. My world had stopped spinning for a moment then I grabbed onto hope again as she suggested an ultrasound. As I lay on the cold table and watched the screen, there was no sign of the tiny flutter. I was in a state of shock and denial. I couldnt accept the fact that my baby had gone to heaven so I kept clinging to any ounce of hope. The baby has no heartbeat. A baby boy, 6 and half month old died in my tummy. She said i need to go thru normal delivery thru induced procedures. This is the most painful labor pain although i had spinal anthesia, i can still feel the pain. I delivered my baby boy on midnight of March 15, 2012. My Baby Boy weighted 454grams only and this considered miscarriage according to my OB because of his very small size. My husband and my brother, went to the church to bless him and buried him on the same date. We named him Baby Yuan, this name was given by her Ate, our daughter Yonah. All that i was utter was, I have now my baby in heaven, my Yuan! The next day, i was discharged in the hospital, but i have to stay in Tondo with my mother since nobody will look after me in our home in Angono. My husbands family is very busy with my brother in laws wedding. That night, my husband left Tondo to prepare for the wedding the following day and of course to take care of our daughter whos staying in Angono. It was indeed, a lonely night for me, feeling of emptiness and unloved. I want to be hugged by my husband & daughter to ease this feeling of loneliness but no to avail. Instead, i was in the arms of my loving mother which turned out to be my strenght. She helped me to pray and get rid of this depressing emotions. Im praying for signs that God is with me. After 2days stay in Tondo, were heading to Angono, on the way home, we passed our church sign. It read, Gods delays are not Gods denials. I clung to this, and I hoped that God would put a new baby in my arms someday. I live everyday hoping that new blessings will come. And indeed, God is pouring multiple blessings on us, in other ways! I love children so much - especially my own. I really wanted another baby so badly even after the miscarriage but i took the doctors advise to heal myself first. Despite the need to wait a few months before trying again to let myself heal both physically and emotionally, I was eager to fill the hole in my heart just as quickly as possible. Somehow a sense of guilt would come over me. Why cant I just be happy? The Lord has blessed you a beautiful daughter. This is my wake-up call, as i looked Yonahs eyes I saw a very happy baby and she said Mommy - love mo ako? I replied, yes naman, i love you so much! Then, she said - Eh bakit ka sad? Ako love kita eh and embraced me. This made me realized that i need to be strong for her and stopped searching for this emptiness. From that day onwards, i made everyday and every moment with Yonah, a special one. I want her to feel that she is loved. As much as i can, i post updates of her in our FB account. Days past, My husband was assigned to Dubai the following year, 2013, a one-year contract and he said take care of our daughter and youself, next year pagdating ko susundan na natin si Yonah. Indeed, ive prepared myself for the next baby. Ive lost weight from 148lbs to 134lbs, my BP went normal to 110-120/80. My mind and heart is claiming that i will get pregnant during hubbys vacation for a month. And im very vocal about this desire that the entire clan / collegues knew this. So, I got pregnant again immediately. I had my first OB check up dated July 14, 2014, signs of pregnancy is there. I was thrilled to find out that I was pregnant again, but my joy was guarded. I need to be very careful about it. Everything was going well until my 5th week. I went to work and had blood spotting, i was immediately rushed to the hosp by the clinic nurse. The doctor said that my hormone level was good, but there was hemorrage on the uterus so I was put on 2weeks bed rest. At home, The bleeding just got heavier and heavier but this is still brown spots so i was not worried, this is expected because of the hemorrage inside but until one day I saw red blood coming out. I immediate called for help and i was rushed again to the hospital. I refused to believe that it was anything besides a blood clot and bleeding. The following day, i had my 2nd TVS (transvaginal ultrasound). My OB is worried about what she saw. She explained to me that the sac/embryo has no changes from the first TVS to the latest TVS. Again I studied the screen and the face of my OB, No sign of positivity. She is saying medical terms that i do not understand - she said it might be a blighted ovum. She, unwilling to tell me the hard facts, suggested that I have another ultrasound done at the hospital to confirm what she believed. Weve waited for another 2days and she performed the 3rd ultrasound, she tried to tell me gently that there was no cardiac activity showing up, theres no changes in the sac size. She said that theres a big possibilities that i will have miscarrige. Ive asked - what is my chance of saving the baby. But, instead of bluntly telling me the truth, she gave me one more false hope. This turned out to be torture. She said that I could go ahead, ill be discharged of the hospital. Wait and have a hormone count done in a couple of days to see if the count was going up or down before I made the decision to have a D & C. The quantity of hormones would be solid confirmation one way or the other. The torment I felt over those next two days was almost unbearable. I felt so much back pain and lower abdominal pain. Then, a heavier bleeding occured. I was pee-ing when a big blood clot came out. I was shocked for a moment but i want to be sure, with bare hands i soaked it and get that big blood clot, indeed, its hard blood that looks like a jackstone ball. I knew, that this is it, I was almost too numb to even cry. I called for help, and asked my Mother in law to call my doctor. I texted my husband and he called back, he was calm and telling me to be strong for them. I was rushed to hospital and declared that im having miscarriage again. The hospitals resident OB confirmed that my cervix is already opened and lost huge amount of blood. She advised my OB will perform ultrasound to check if theres traces of blood clots left in the uterus. My OB performed an ultrasound, and the screen shown no traces of sac/embryo where my baby once had been. Again I was thrust into the emotional torment all over again. People were sympathetic at first, but then couldnt understand why I couldnt get over the pain. Because they hadnt seen my babies, the loss just wasnt as real for them. When I needed love and support the most, people just didnt understand. Youre still young, you can try again, or Sometimes thats just natures way of dealing with things because something may have been wrong with the baby. I know that their remarks were well-intended, but as for me, I had already loved these babies, and had since I first seen the positive pregnancy tests. I was careful to protect my babies, I watched how and what I ate, I made sure I didnt overdo it and I just couldnt understand what went wrong. My babies were so real to me and I had endured a great loss and people just werent getting it. Then, she said i have to undergo D & C again, we just have to wait for the Anesthesiologosist. My BP went high as high as 160/100. And i can hear my heartbeat running so fast. They said, dont worry, you have to relax, we cant proceed with it if your BP is high. We will give you meds so that you will be calm. Around 1130pm, i was all awake when they gave me spinal anesthesia, then, a cold feeling was there. Slow at first, im chilling then a non-stop shaking all over my body. Im begging, im cold and im shaking, help me doc. Help me God. Then, the doctor said, its the effect of anesthesia. I heard the doctor said, give her this - 2cc and 1cc of this these were injectibles running thru my IV. Then, i saw them holding my shoulder while my OB is doing the D and C procedures. I saw in the screen that my bp is 170/100. Then, i closed my eyes. Prayed. Lord, im not ready yet to die. I want to live for my daughter. You have taken my 2 babies, but i still have my daughter that needs me. So please god have mercy on me. Then, slowly, i stopped shaking. I opened my eyes and saw many people watching me, additional doctors and nurses i think. A cardilogist was there as well checking on me. Then i saw spot lights were on me. The heat from these lights gave me warm feelings. I dont know how long im shaking and i heard them, its over na and clean her up. Then, the next thing i know, im in the recovery room. The nurse said, mommy - kindly move you feet, i cant move it but she said ok mommy nagagalaw mo na. Ive asked, what time is it? - its 2am na po. Then, in my room around 4am, i asked for water but they told me, i cant tilt my head until 6am. I need to eat and drink a little so that i could drink my antibiotics. Then, cold air was there again, im chilling... And shaking over and over again. My Aunt whos with me got nervous and called the nurse, they gave me 2 blankets and spotlight again. We prayed again, then the resident OB said, thats the effect of the anesthesia, i will be ok when the numbness of my lower body fades. True enough, around 7am, im getting better and better. We thanked God for the speed recovery. I ate and drink meds and sleep again. The my lovely daughter, my mother and sister in law visited me. I cried and embraced my Yonah. I got too emotional that i told her, do not leave me ha. Wag mong iiwan si Mommy. She replied smiling - opo, i will take care of you. Di ba ako yung little helper mo. We laughed with her gestures. In the afternoon, my Nanay, brothers and nephews were there and i know from there, im loved by many people. My husband whos abroad keeps on callling me and assuring me of his love. A lot of text messages and FB posts pouring my cellphone wishing me well. Although, i plunged into despair during that moment. I didnt even feel like I could pray since i know i have little faith. Well, God, the loving Father that He is, didnt judge me in my weak moment, but looked upon me in compassion. I finally did pray, and when I did, my prayers poured out of me and asked for his mercy and true enough, he gave me new life and new beginnings. We never could understand his plans since I had only lost two babies, but i know in time i will know the answers. To my Angels - These two cherub will always be a part of me. You will always be in my heart. Im a mother of an angel, i knew that you are special and God gave you a halo as a signed of his love for you. And althoug, i will miss you so but i lnow you are safe with Him forever and im looking forward to the day when well spread our wings together. I love you my Angels! My Daughter Yonah - You were the first to cause me to feel a mothers love. You are the reason why i want to live longer. My Baby Yuan - I may not hold you in my arms, but I will always hold you in my heart. My Baby 3: Reserve me some wings, Ill be there someday. We will fly together. What i know right now, im a blessed mommy - that God gave me a high honor to be a mother of 2 angels in heaven that lives with God above and a beautiful daughter whos in my arms.
Posted on: Mon, 11 Aug 2014 08:23:47 +0000
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