Being released from the dark shadow of upcoming chemo rounds is oddly freeing. It is not that we don’t comprehend what is coming around the corner in our future. We get it. Or we get it to the best of our ability…..how does one really “get” it without walking through it for themselves? It’s just that for yesterday and today, we choose to LIVE in the now. We are taking one day at a time. Just knowing that we don’t have to squeeze every possible good moment out of the next 5 days of Tim feeling good is liberating. It is almost as if we are free to focus on just living and not the cancer. We aren’t trying to play a game of denial or be naïve. Our immediate future is going to be dismal. We are going to be leaning ever harder into Jesus and onto our dear friends and family that have been amazing rocks and support for us over these past months. However, yesterday was good. It was a good day! Tim worked in his home office all morning and then not only accompanied our son and me to our daughters out of town softball game, but even drove! (A clear benefit to him miraculously having no pain with this cancer is that he doesn’t require pain medications and isn’t limited on driving when he feels strong enough to.) It felt oddly normal….radio blaring, laughter erupting, road tripping, Streller-style. There was joy. She played great. She hates to be walked when at bat; she’d rather get a chance for a solid hit. The pitcher threw one straight at her and our girl stepped back out of the box for the umpire to call “Ball” and to avoid being pinged. As parents, we aren’t allowed to “coach” from the stands. She has a coach. Two coaches actually. We are only to encourage. But Dad was sitting so close to the batter’s box and it was too tempting to tease his girl with a “Don’t back out of that box. Suck it up and take it.” Meaning let the pitcher ping you and take your base, girl. He was, of course teasing his favorite #15. And she heard him and started laughing. My mind’s eye took a snapshot. The smile on her face lit my soul with joy. It was familiar; the loving banter between father and daughter. (And she smacked the next pitch with the smile still on her face and giggle on her breath.) I wanted to cry. Joyful tears. Grateful tears. For an afternoon, we were normal again, just sitting in the stands with other parents cheering on our girl….and it felt so wonderful. Directly from her game we headed to the junior high football game back in Edmond so our boy could cheer on his friends. We were playing our “old” school and it was fun to see our friends on both sides of the field. Tim was able to stand and socialize. Again, normalcy, another chance to defy the cancer that wants to steal these moments from us. We were just living. Going about our day without having to fit in doctor appointments, or lab draws, or juggle schedules because we were in the hospital and others were watching over our children. We understand what Tim’s decision to stop chemotherapy treatment ultimately means. We are clear that we now qualify for hospice care. We get all that this encompasses. We also are keenly aware that his brave decision is allowing us a few days, or maybe weeks, even hopefully a couple of months of just being us again. Living and loving without the dark cloud of sickness and stress of upcoming torturous treatments looming over our every move. For now, we relish the good moments in each day and just LIVE! Today finds Tim pretty tired from our full day yesterday. That’s okay; we will find our new normal and our new limits. We’ve already shared good laughter this morning, and more of the familiar banter between father and son (this time). Life is good. We are thankful to God. Lord willing, we will have many more fun days ahead. And when the bad days come, He will still be with us. The same God that enables our fun memory making will sustain us through the misery. He has more than proven Himself to us. He is faithful. He is good. James 4:14-15 “consider that you do not know what will be tomorrow. For what is your life? It is a mist that appears for a brief time, and afterwards will vanish away.”
Posted on: Wed, 04 Sep 2013 16:32:47 +0000
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